Disclaimer: The Wheel of Time belongs to Robert Jordan. I don't own anything. Please don't sue.
["Jasin Natael" reporting from 666 Forsaken Lane, the Bore, the Pit of Doom]
All over the world, the nations will soon be celebrating at the news that the Light is triumphant. The Last Battle, between the Dragon Reborn and the Dark One has been feared so much over the thousands of years since the Breaking that the outcome seems rather pathetic. Rand al'Thor had an easy victory at 2:30 this morning in Shayol Ghul, the scheduled time and place for the Last Battle. Apparently, Shai'tan himself had a heart attack and died before al'Thor could do much of anything. It is al'Thor's 3,140th birthday today, and he speculates that it must have been that luck that caused the peculiar demise of The Wheel of Time's antagonist. Several Warders blocked off the site of the battle, keeping everyone safely away from the smoldering corpse of the Dark One. They are also restraining Elayne, Aviendha, Min, and their clones from tackling al'Thor. Reports say that the latter is much more difficult. Al'Thor sits on a nearby rock with his companions Matrim Cauthon and Perrin Aybara. "It just happened! Totally unexpected! Shai'tan just keeled over, and I didn't even realize what was happening. We were both rather sleepy," says the Dragon (al'Thor), while flipping through a bulging Daily Planner. "You see, our schedules kept conflicting, so we had to reschedule the possible end of the world more than once." He shows us a few pages of the planner. The most notable statements are:
"Decide who I'm really in love with."
"...But now that the Tarmon Gai'don is over, I just don't know what to do. It was too easy. And now I've got an unfulfilled Prophecy – the part about my blood on the rocks at Shayol Ghul. I was supposed to die!" He shrugs. An arrow suddenly whizzes past and pierces his jugular vein! An Aes Sedai rushes over to Heal him. Al'Thor's comment is, "AAGH!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We also spoke with the ghost of Ishamael, who arrived on the scene with the rest of the dead Forsaken. Asmodean was conspicuous in his absence... heehee. "I always told him to eat his Cherrios® to prevent freak accidents like this. But Cheerios® and all low-cholesterol foods are of the Light, so he always insisted on Funyuns®," Ishamael told us. "No wonder his arteries were clogged. Hey, did you know you look a lot like Asmodean?"
He was conveniently disposed of (again) soon thereafter. Semhirage was also unsympathetic. "So much for three thousand years of planning! He had to go and have a heart attack!" Lanfear was too busy convincing al'Thor to become a necrophiliac to be interviewed.
Cauthon and Aybara were reluctant to comment, while helping al'Thor to his feet. They are discussing new banners for themselves. We caught the conversation on tape. "Perrin, you can be the Wolf Reborn, and I'm the Dragon Reborn. Who's Mat? The Ass Reborn?" We were discovered eavesdropping and chased off by young Lord Mat, brandishing a black-hafted spear and yelling curses in the Old Tongue. A distraught Robert Jordan lingers near the boys. "What do you do when your bad guy goes into cardiac arrest and kills himself?!" he demands. The ghost of Moiraine appears to tell him that the Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. He looks no happier. Morgase (By the Grace of the Light, Queen of Andor, Defender of the Realm, Protector of the People, High Seat of House Trakand) is found committing suicide after she discovers that she's just another Morgause take-off and doesn't really need so many titles, especially since she's not very good at protecting her people anyway.
Other reporters arrived around dawn, and al'Thor was asked what he would do, now that the Dark One was vanquished. "Well," he says, "I guess it's time to Break the World."