(Note: this does not fit anywhere in the sequence of episodes. The next one, #11, will be posted before long. Also, since my page is called Raina's Hold, 'Raina' in the story is me.)
Episode 1: To Meet The Creator
Episode 2: Have Another Taint
Episode 3: Insanity Two Thousand
(Hi. To get more people to enter my plot contest, I promised anyone who entered within a particular one-week space a cameo role in an episode of Long Live Insanity. Four people did (actually, three did. Kiriath got his in the day after it closed, but I like him so I wrote him in anyway. You owe me one, Kir.) and I was stuck with writing it. So here it is, the first, and probably only, Special Edition of Long Live Insanity. Dedicated to Jehan, Selinthia, Preia and Kiriath...)
To Meet The Creator
"We're lost, aren't we?"
Shadar and Shani look around indignantly at this remark from Sycho. "We never get lost!" Shani retorts haughtily. "We know exactly where we are."
Shadar nods. "We're just not sure where everywhere else is."
All around them is darkness. It is not, however, Shayol Ghul. In fact, if everything has gone as it should, (which is always doubtful when dealing with this lot) where they are standing is as far as you can get from Shayol Ghul...
"This is all your fault," Sycho grumbles, glaring at Someone. "If you hadn't decided that you wanted to meet the Creator first-hand, just so you could get 'the full story' to put into your book -"
Someone draws himself up, although considering his ten-foot height, that's hardly necessary. "In the interests of literary integrity -"
"Quit arguing, you two. If Someone hadn't thought of it then Shadar or Shani would have come up with an even madder idea." Shaiel sighs. "And you know they'd have done it..."
Nods and long-suffering sighs are exchanged.
"All right, we've got it!" Shadar announces. "Come over here a moment, Snarg, we're going to play Spin the Trolloc..."
They blindfold the confused Snarg, take an arm each, and spin him around (with a little help from the Power). He eventually stops, pointing in a direction seemingly no different from any other.
"Right. Let's go." Shani and Shadar set off, with the still dizzy Snarg held up between them. The other three look at them, then at each other, shrug and follow.
After a while of walking, the darkness begins to lift. Before long they come across a door. No house or even a wall, just a door standing in the middle of nowhere. They open the door, and find a room full of people, some talking, most standing around, apparently waiting for something.
A man near the door looks around at their entrance and groans. "I thought you were just a bad dream..."
It is Mazrim Taim.
"Sorry. We're real," Shani says gleefully. "Now we've got you where you can't get away, how about settling a debate for us and telling us whether you really are Demandred or not?"
Taim sighs. "Believe me, Aes Sedai, I would tell you if I had the faintest idea myself."
"But you must know whether you're a Forsaken -"
"Nope." The M'Hael shakes his head. "Not until the Creator makes up his mind and writes it into the Pattern. He's been putting the decision off ever since I turned up in the sixth book."
Shadar sympathises. "Talk about procrastination! We're looking for the Creator ourselves. I don't suppose you have any idea where we'd find him?"
"Try through the other door." Taim waves his hand toward the other end of the room. "If you do find him, do me a favour and ask him who I am?"
"Will do," Shadar promises as they set off through the room. They pass a number of people who look familiar. "What is this place?" Sycho asks a young woman in coat and breeches.
"It's the character waiting room," she says absent-mindedly. "We get to wait here until the Creator writes the next book." Suddenly she blinks, focusing on them. "You know, you lot have the strangest auras I ever saw..."
"Quite understandable," Shani tosses over her shoulder, "we're probably the strangest people you ever saw too."
No one in the room seems to disagree.
On the other side of the door, they emerge into another large room. This one, however, is nearly empty. The only occupant is a shadowy figure, seated at a desk, staring at a strange-looking ter'angreal with a glowing screen.
Shadar coughs. "Ahem..."
The figure spins around. "You? No! I mean, I don't believe this." To their surprise, the voice is feminine. "You lot are supposed to be causing chaos down in Randland! What are you doing here?"
"We thought we'd pay a visit to the Creator," Shadar says, "although I must say, I always thought the Creator was male..."
"Well, so he is." The woman rolls her eyes. "You didn't think the Creator would have been mad enough to create you, did you? I'm just one of numerous Wheel of Time sub-creators. Call me Raina."
(You didn't think I was going to leave myself out, did you?)
"Very pleased to meet you, Sub-creator Raina." Someone butts in, pulling out his notebook. "Now, please tell me, what is it like being a sub-creator? How many of you are there? Is it a full-time job?"
"Yes," Shaiel chimes in, "and wherever did you get the idea for these two?" She points at Shadar and Shani.
"I don't know," Raina shrugs. "I think divine inspiration must have had something to do with it or more likely demonic."
The Terrible Twosome look smug. "I knew we were special!"
From behind them, Snarg is grumbling his opinion of any deity or demon who would inspire the creation of Shani or Shadar. The word "stupid" figures prominently.
"So where is the main Creator?" Sycho wants to know.
Raina points. "Next door. Now go away, I have a plot contest to judge."
"One more thing." Shani pauses. "Is Taim Demandred?"
"Well, of course!"
They go through the door into another room with a glowing screen ter'angreal in the corner. Sitting at it is another shadowy figure.
"The Creator!" Shani exclaims. "It must be this time..."
Shadar steps forward. "Robert Jordan, I presume -"
At the sound of his name, the Creator turns around. His eyes are blank and staring. From somewhere above comes a blood-curdling shriek.
"What in the Light was that?" Shaiel gasps.
The shriek comes again, and a hideous, winged black form swoops from the ceiling to land on the back of the Creator's chair.
"Nothing in the Light, I think," Sycho says nervously. "Hey, you what the hell are you?"
The hideous mouth opens, emitting a sound like nails scraping down a blackboard.
Sycho staggers, wincing with pain, as the creature laughs maniacally.
A gasp comes from the doorway. "Oh, no..."
All eyes turn to Raina, standing staring at the scene. "It's what we all feared he said it once too often..."
"Said what?" Someone demands. "What is it?"
Raina's voice drops to a (distinctly melodramatic) whisper. "Robert Jordan has been taken over by the dread demon RAFO."
The dread demon shrieks in glee, and everyone else stares in horror except for Shadar and Shani, who as always remain distressingly calm.
"So you're the demon RAFO, are you? Well, I know how to defeat you." Shadar grabs an envelope from the desk and opens it. "Dear Mr Jordan, Please tell me, who is the Daughter of the Nine Moons?"
The demon opens its mouth...
"Oh, that's easy," Raina says. "Tuon is, of course."
The demon shrieks again this time in pain.
Shani grins and opens another letter. "Dear Creator, Is Taim really Demandred Well, we know the answer to that, don't we?"
"Oh, sure he is."
RAFO shrieks in absolute agony.
Shadar picks up another one. "Hey, this one'll do it Mr Jordan, who killed Asmodean?"
Raina starts to open her mouth, but doesn't need to. The demon has already started to smoke. As they watch, it dissolves into stinking black smoke.
Sycho makes a face. "Those demons sure do smell foul..."
"But now," Shaiel says, "we have a comatose Creator and a roomful of characters waiting to know what to do next. Not to mention all the readers waiting for the next book."
"No problem," Snarg grunts. "Got Creator!"
"Hey, so we do!" Shadar pulls Raina further into the room. "Looks like you've got a new title, Former Sub-creator Raina..."
"Me? You want the creator of Long Live Insanity writing the Wheel of Time?"
Shani shrugs. "It worked for us! Unless you want Shadar and I to do it instead..."
"I'll do it," Raina replies quickly. "In fact..." she pulls out a sheaf of papers, "these are the entries for my plot contest. They might just come in handy."
"I'll help. I like writing." Someone takes one of the papers. "Hmm - here we have an entry from someone named Jehan..."
The ninth book will be called The Fisher King. No it won't, it'll be The Song Of Ages. Or it might be something else. But at any rate, it's going to feature Egwene getting the Tower back from Elaida, unless it doesn't. And we will definitely find out what the Borderland rulers are up to, and who Cyndane is, and where Rand disappeared to at the end of Path of Daggers. Except if we don't, of course. And Bayle Domon and Egeanin will be back, unless, that is, RJ lets the suspense build for another book while he gets on with the minor subplots. And Nynaeve will tug her braid and Elayne will sniff and Faile will be annoying. This I Foretell. Or something like that. I'm a lousy writer, I just wanted to get into your story.
"Ha!" Shadar says gleefully. "This Jehan has taste! He likes us!"
"Or she," Shani adds. "Could be either."
"Still, this one doesn't seem much use." Raina considers. "But I think I will bring Domon and Egeanin back. I'm getting pretty sick of all the subplots myself. What's the next one, Someone?"
"We have here," Someone consults the next page, "the creation of one Kiriath..."
DANGER DANGER: Spoiler Alert: DANGER DANGER
My Eccentric power has sent me to the future.
Robber Boredan has shown me his notes for Book 9.
Book 9, contrary to most belief, will be the final book of the WoT.
Robber Boredan will off all characters that annoy him.
This means that only two characters will remain: Thom and Tuon.
The book's title, curiously, will be: the Terrible Two.
Robber Boredan finally had a kid, as you can see.
In a sudden burst of Eccentric power, Thom will be sent to Ebou Dhabi.
Tuon will saunter up to him, like her first meeting with Mat.
The difference is that Thom will knuckle his mustaches.
Tuon, on the other hand, will adore Thom and taunt him mercilessly.
The ending of the series will be this:
Thom and Tuon taunted themselves terribly, trying to tie the tight twists together.
Apparently, Robber Boredan has become alliterated.
This scares me, and makes me wonder.
"Are you Robert Jordan, Robber Boredan?"
"Of course not, you zilly English keeenigit!"
The Boredan makes strange sounds.
The Intrigleeman chases the strange sounder.
Perhaps the series will never end and we will always chase each other.
Perhaps we will create sickening puns about it for all time.
Perhaps we like the latter immensely better.
There is a very long pause.
"What's a keeenigit?" Sycho asks finally.
"I have no idea." Raina shakes her head. "I think this Kiriath is even madder than you are."
"No way!" Shani and Shadar exclaim simultaneously and indignantly.
"Well as mad, anyway. Let's leave this one out. Puns aren't my specialty. Next?"
"The entry of the Lady Selinthia Avenchesca." Someone reads the next one out.
(Sorry. Selinthia's entry was too long to put in. You can read it, along with all the other entries so far, here.)
"Now that's better," Raina approves. "I can do something with that one."
"But it's a serious one!" Shani protests.
"That was the idea. That scene can fit right in near the end." Raina scribbles a few notes. "All right, Someone, there should be one more. Let's hear it."
"From one Preia Starle..."
Sevanna and her gang of not-so-tame Wise Ones will run into Egwene and her mob outside Tar Valon. In the resulting skirmish Galina gets re-captured by Egwene who gets suspicious and eventually figures out she's Black. At that point Egwene starts blackmailing Galina into supporting her and getting other Red sisters to do so. Several of the Tower AS get sick of Elaida and Alviarin and also defect to Egwene's side, making Elaida very, very upset.
Berelain gets back to tell Perrin about Faile being kidnapped, hoping that now the field's clear... But Perrin immediately gets very, very upset and rushes off to rescue Faile, making Berelain very, very upset. Eventually Perrin and company attack Sevanna and company, who are currently at odds with Egwene and company, Faile gets rescued and Egwene and Perrin team up, only then (are you following all this?) Galad turns up with a group of Whitecloaks and Berelain falls for him instead, but Galad only has eyes for Egwene, which makes for a somewhat awkward situation since she is now the Amyrlin, and makes both Galad and Berelain very, very upset.
The Seanchan, heading inland, and led by the Empress's favourite daughter and her newly acquired husband, run into these assorted forces and some more skirmishing occurs, making everyone concerned very, very upset.
For some obscure reason Rand and Min, along with Elayne, Aviendha, Nynaeve, Lan and Birgitte have also turned up in this general area. So now we have all the major characters together and practically forced to have that long talk that they all should have had ages ago.
And if they DON'T have it, then I for one will be very, very upset with Mr Jordan...
Shadar shrugs. "Well, it's not as if he's going to notice someone getting upset with him even very, very upset..."
"But she might get very, very upset with me." Raina scribbles "Long talk" in her notebook. Someone's, actually, since she doesn't have one. But he doesn't mind. It's a great honour having the Creator writing in your book. Or something like that.
"All right now we need a title."
"The Great Taimandred Debate!" Shadar suggests instantly.
"I don't think -"
"How about Long Live The Insane Wheel Of Time?" Shani.
"I really don't -"
"The Keenigit?" Sycho.
"Very, Very Upset?" Shaiel.
"Written In My Notebook?" Someone.
"Stupid Book!" No points for guessing who suggested this one.
Raina buries her head in her hands. "Light, why did I ever create this lot?"
(So, you tell me?)
Have Another Taint
(This Special Edition is based on, and dedicated to, all the crazy people and in-jokes on the GT Book Forum.)
"Where are we now?"
"Temporarily between places we recognise."
"In other words, lost?"
"We never get lost."
"That was what you said last time..."
The darkness is slowly lifting. It reveals six travellers, six wanderers of the world, six people who have so far survived all that that world has managed to throw at them, even each other. Six people who are, by the way, totally insane.
"Yes," Shadar agrees, "but it was fun last time, wasn't it?"
The darkness continues to lift, thus revealing more of the place in which our travellers have found themselves. As their eyes grow accustomed to the light, they look around to see...
"A tavern!" Sycho exclaims. "Great!"
"Hi there! Welcome to the Golden Aiel tavern!" A man dressed in cadin'sor but with glowing golden eyes waves at them from behind the bar. "The beer is in the fridge and the nuts are all over the board, but personally I'd recommend the Taint. Who are you guys, anyway?"
"So are the rest of us, but what's your name?"
"No, that is his name," Shani clarifies. "He's Sycho, these are Shadar, Shaiel, Someone, Snarg, and I'm Shani. Why are you recommending the taint? We're all mad already."
"Not the taint, the Taint. It's a drink. It's what was in it again, Havoc?"
"One ounce essence of the Dark One, one ounce essence of Fire, thirty-eight ounces of Kandori vodka," another man supplies. "And a cherry."
"Right. You might not actually want to think about the ingredients, though. Anyway, why don't you find a table and sit down, and I'll bring you all one? I'm Rith, by the way."
"Nice meeting you." Shadar and Shani, followed by the other four, make their way across the crowded room to a table with six empty seats.
"Hi there," a dark man at the table greets them. "I'm the 14th Forsaken. You can call me T14F, but formally my title is Nae'blis."
"Excuse me," Someone breaks in, "but I don't think that's right. My sources of information suggest that the Nae'blis is one Moridin, otherwise known as Ishamael or Elan Morin Tedronai -"
"No, I'm afraid you're wrong there," T14F says calmly. "Would you like me to explain?"
The self-proclaimed Nae'blis smiles and stands up, as the rest of the table falls silent.
"When the title of Nae'blis was taken
Elan Morin Tedronai was mistaken.
He thought on a whim
That the Nae'blis was him
He was wrong, it's the 14th Forsaken!"
His tablemates applaud, as he sits down with the air of having given a perfectly good explanation.
"You use limericks to prove points a lot?" Shadar says.
"Oh, certainly," another man says, another Aiel with a vague resemblance to Couladin. "For example, there was this point -"
"There once was a girl named Faile
Who thought female Dragons were real.
She took Jordan to court
When he said there were nought
But she finally lost on appeal."
"Hey," a Saldaean woman interrupts him, "how about this one?"
"There once was a guy called Car'a'carn
Who loved to spin a good yarn;
Didn't know he was beat
Staring up at defeat
So we left him with theories to darn."
"How can there be female Dragons?" Sycho wants to know.
"That's a long, long story - "
Another voice chimes in.
"There once was a girl called Leanna
Who flew high the FemDragon banner -"
"Raina!" Shani, Shadar, Sycho, Shaiel, Someone and Snarg exclaim simultaneously. "What are you doing here?"
"Drinking a Taint, reciting limericks and writing. How could I write this episode properly if I wasn't here to see it?"
"There's something very odd about that logic," Shani remarks.
"This is a very odd place," the narrator replies. "Anyway, around here I go by Leanna. And before you lot interrupted, I was explaining the Female Dragon argument."
Raina, aka Leanna, continues serenely.
"She was finally proved right
When even Dark Blight
Conceded though in reluctant manner.
"And that, in a nutshell, is the story of the Female Dragon. We argued over whether it was possible, and although the naysayers still haven't all admitted it, the yaysayers finally won."
"You did not!"
"See what I mean? Anyway, the argument is academic. According to the rules of this place there is a female Dragon, namely me." Leanna grins. "And the male Dragon is someone you might find familiar he's sitting over there - "
"Hey!" Shadar exclaims.
"Hi," Shadar replies.
"Two of them?" Shani demands. "Isn't one enough?"
"More than enough?" Shaiel adds.
"Definitely," the 14th Forsaken agrees. Oddly, though, his voice is coming from a different place. "One of any of us is enough."
They look at him, confused.
"Sorry. I'm T14F's other self."
Shaiel rolls her eyes.
Shani returns to the subject. "Well, I don't see any reason there can't be a female Dragon. I can cause chaos as well if not better than any man. But what's Shadar doing in two places at once?"
"There's a distinction," the second Shadar explains. "I'm Shadar the Mad."
"So am I!" the first Shadar retorts.
"No, you're Shadar the mad. I'm Shadar the Mad!"
"Is there a difference?"
"Only in semantics."
"So you are just as much of an insane, illogical, maniacal genius as I am, and you enjoy causing chaos just as much as I do?"
Both Shadars grin. Those sitting nearest them edge away.
"Hey." T14F the first one leans over to Shaiel. "Would you like to dance?"
Shaiel immediately reaches for her spears.
"No, not that kind of dance! Let's twirl. What do you mean, you've never twirled before?" The Nae'blis stands up again, pulling a pretty girl beside him to her feet. "C'mon, Webbie, let's demonstrate. Music, please!"
From somewhere or other, a band starts playing.
A long long time ago
There were no beginnings but
That intro used to make me smile...
The 14th Forsaken and Weflicker twirl to the music.
And I knew if she had her chance
Moiraine could make those puppets dance
And maybe they'd be passive for a while...
"Right." The original couple stop dancing, and T14F bows to Shaiel. "So now that you know about twirling, would you care to dance with me?"
Weflicker grins mischievously, and grabs hold of Sycho. "Hey, nice helmet!" Both couples spin out onto the dance floor. (Although, even without spears, Shaiel's dance retains a certain warlike quality, and Sycho's a certain well clumsiness.)
Shadar (the mad-without-a-capital-M Shadar) looks at them, shrugs, and turns to Leanna. "May I have this dance, Creator?"
Shani leans over to tap Shadar (the one with the capital M) on the shoulder. "May I have this dance, crazy guy?"
They twirl away.
As the music booms out (Bye, bye, Mistress Moiraine Sedai) Someone and Snarg are left at the table. Someone is writing furiously, of course, but Snarg looks glum.
"No one twirl with Snarg," the Trolloc mourns.
"Never mind." Rith has just come over with a tray of drinks. "Here's your Taint."
Snarg reaches out for the glass, and gulps it down. His eyes bulge. His face turns red. Smoke comes from his ears. He is finally able, if hoarsely, to speak.
"That good drink!"
Someone looks at the effects of the Taint on Snarg, and decides to give his a miss.
Weflicker and Sycho come off the dance floor and collapse into chairs. Well, Sycho collapses, anyway. Weflicker looks disappointed. "He can't dance! Hey, Trolloc, can you twirl?"
Snarg immediately brightens. "Snarg twirl great!"
They twirl off. Snarg, as it happens, is a surprisingly graceful dancer.
Sycho is the one looking glum now. He reaches for the Taint in front of him.
"I wouldn't," Someone warns him.
"Why not?" Sycho tips back the glass and swallows. "Wow that's a strong one - " He takes another gulp, already somewhat unsteady. "Wow. Hey, what's with the monkey at that table?"
"He isn't a monkey!" the small dog nearby translates.
"Well, he looks like a monkey."
"He's the Librarian!"
"Huh. Still...looks like a monkey...to...me..." The effects of the Taint finally catch up on Sycho, and he falls backward onto the floor.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK!" The Librarian reaches two very large hands toward Sycho.
An even bigger hand comes down on the orangutan's shoulder. "Hey," Snarg rumbles. "Sycho stupid. But Snarg be butt of jokes if Sycho gone. So leave Sycho alone!"
The Librarian sits back down. Snarg twirls away again.
Someone pauses in writing. "What's a dog doing here?" he inquires.
"Not any dog," the small creature corrects him. "I am Pablo the Wonder Chihuahua!" He indicates another, slightly smaller, chihuahua nearby. "And this is my fiancee, Lolita."
"I stand corrected. Do you come here often?"
"Of course. I write the music for the band!"
Helter-skelter in a summer swelter,
The Aiel Waste acts like an ol' zinc smelter...
"Really. Listen, here's one of my best." Pablo snaps his fingers well, his paws. The music switches immediately.
Bonded to my Warder (uh huh, uh huh)
Bonded to my Warder (uh huh, uh huh)
Bonded to my Warder (uh huh, uh huh)
And all the Gaidin say I'm pretty fly for an Aes Sedai...
The singer (whose name, by the way, is of course Karja) gets a round of applause as the song goes on. The dancers twirl faster.
"Very nice." Someone keeps taking notes, listening to various conversations. Phrases pop out at him.
"Vote for Tuon!"
"Fresh Aes Sedai juice! Get your Aes Sedai juice here!" A number of fireballs hit the spot where the speaker was a moment before.
"Once upon a time, I saw a shark bite a whale."
"Hey! Why haven't I had any lines yet?"
"Pretty Fly For An Aes Sedai" continues to play. The 14th Forsaken is twirling with Faile, Leanna and Shani have switched Shadars, and even Pablo and Lolita are out there twirling. But the undoubted stars of the dance are Weflicker and Snarg.
Shaiel comes back to the table. "Well," she comments, "it's not as much fun as the dance of the spears. But it's not bad all the same." She glances down at the prone Sycho. "Are all Whitecloaks that clumsy?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Well, I danced with three of them. One was called Takrane, and he'd have been a good dancer if he didn't keep forgetting halfway through a step what he was doing." She shrugs. "Then there was Maaaad Marty, and all I can say about him is that his name fits him perfectly. And the other one was Der'morat. He wasn't bad, but in the middle of the dance some strange people started yelling "Traitor!" and he ran away. Very strange."
Leanna, gliding back off the dance floor, overhears and grins. "So they're still after him, are they? Loyalty is a wonderful thing."
Shaiel looks at her suspiciously. "Should I understand what you're talking about?"
"Are you going to tell me?"
Shaiel shrugs, and drinks her Taint. Astonishingly, there are no ill effects. The rest of the tavern look at her with awe. Someone tentatively takes a sip of his, shudders and puts it firmly back down.
"How can you drink that?"
"It's a Talent?"
"It's an acquired taste. Would you prefer something else?" Leanna points to a drinks list beside the bar.
"Hmm. White Cairhienin Dragon on the rocks Shienaran Top Knot Shai'tan's Venom " Someone squints at the list. "I can't read that last one. What is it?"
"A creation of Pablo's."
"Oh? I'll try one, then."
A tall glass is brought over immediately.
"Hmm... doesn't smell too bad..." Someone takes a sip, and immediately starts coughing and choking. "Aaargh!"
"And you just named it. Well done."
The music suddenly stops, then strikes up again as the 'Wedding March'. The crowds part to reveal a splendidly dressed couple, who have just paused in their dance. A voice booms over the loudspeaker.
"And it's a fine day for a WoT wedding! We are gathered here to celebrate the marriage of Omegus and Mesaana. Here's Legend, originator of the WoT weddings thread, back by narrative demand to conduct the ceremony!"
A man steps out of the shadows.
"Do you, Omegus, take Mesaana to be your lawful wedded wife, for better or for worse, through low postcounts and high, for as long as you both shall be obsessed with the Wheel of Time? Do you, Mesaana, take Omegus to be your lawful wedded husband, under similar circumstances? Good! I now pronounce you a WoT cyber-couple."
"Let me be the first to congratulate you! Oh, and if anyone asks, you didn't see me here." Legend vanishes into the shadows again, as suddenly, reality (such as it is) seems to shift...
"Hey," Rith shouts, "the Golden Aiel is closing!"
"Don't worry," a woman in a green shawl calls back, "the Dancing Dragon is opening!"
Everyone is suddenly in a different tavern. Most of them seem to take it in their stride. Stranger things happen all the time, after all around here anyway.
"Welcome to the Dancing Dragon. I'm your host, Zedora Sedai, and your drinks are on the house. Our specialty is the Dragon's Breath, but don't get too drunk or my Warders will throw you out. And don't get it confused with the chili sauce!"
The dancing resumes. Someone is finally persuaded onto the floor by a young woman in the stole of the Amyrlin Seat. "It's nice to meet you at last, friend Ogier. I'm a long-time fan of your stories, you know."
"You are?" Someone's chest puffs out with pride. "Perhaps you'd like to hear the full version of one or two? Raina, I mean Leanna, edits a lot of my observations out."
"Why yes, that would be lovely..."
Some minutes later, Lanfir is regretting her words, as Someone is at full speed ahead with no apparent end in sight. (Author's Note: There is of course a very good reason for editing Someone's notes out of the stories; you'd quickly get bored of even Long Live Insanity told Ogier style.)
Just as even Lannie's legendary charm is beginning to run out, a man in a colour-shifting cloak breaks in. "Sorry, Ogier, but I'm taking her back now. Call it Warder jealousy."
Lanfir smiles sweetly and with just a touch of relief. "You haven't met my Warder, have you, Someone? Dark Blight, protector and dearest friend, even if he doesn't believe in the Female Dragon. He conceded it once, but now he's trying to get out of it."
"I did not!"
"Did not!" and you get the idea as Lannie and DB twirl away.
Meanwhile, Shani wanders over to a table near the back of the tavern, where she has seen two more women in red shawls sitting with a man in a black coat. "Strange company for you to be in," she comments, then glances over her shoulder to see both Shadars behind her. "But I suppose I'm hardly one to talk. I'm Shani."
"I'm Marita," one of them replies. "This is Jessanda, and the crazy man's Asha'man Forge. Want to swap?"
"Why not? That's Shadar, and that's Shadar." Shani pulls Forge into the dance, followed by the others, making three Asha'man/Red Ajah couples and almost certainly a record.
Leanna stops at another table, where yet another Aes Sedai is sitting with her Warder. "Hi, Ryanna. May I dance with your Warder?"
Leanna turns to Thorin Oakenshield. "I told you you'd get a part in this installment. So shall we dance?" They twirl out onto the floor.
(Irrelevant but interesting fact: there are now two dancing Dragons in the Dancing Dragon.)
The 14th Forsaken, despite being still dancing with Faile, cuts in on Weflicker and Snarg (other selves come in very handy). Snarg looks disappointed.
Someone also looks disappointed at being deprived of his partner (and audience) and turns to the nearest non-dancer, a woman with a cat on her lap. "Hello, who are you?"
"I'm the Lady Warden's cat."
Someone pauses. "Um, I was talking to your... companion."
"She's the Lady Warden, of course." The cat meows disdainfully and starts washing its face. Someone appears at a loss.
A giant hand suddenly reaches over Someone's shoulder and grabs hold of the very surprised feline. "Snarg twirl with cat!"
"MEOW!" the cat protests vociferously, but in vain as the huge Trolloc twirls away with it. Someone turns back to the Lady Warden. "I'm Someone the Ogier. May I have this dance?"
"I'd be delighted." Someone and the Lady Warden glide into a stately dance.
Shaiel looks around, notices that everyone else is dancing, and kicks Sycho. "Wake up, Whitecloak!"
"Dance with me."
"I'm too tired to dance. My head hurts." Sycho rubs his head. "Those Taints are strong."
"Let me put it like this," Shaiel says sweetly. "Either you dance with me now their way, or you dance with me later my way. Which would you prefer?"
"Let's dance!" Sycho grabs Shaiel's hands and spins her out onto the floor.
And everyone is dancing.
They continue to dance, in various strange styles and to various strange tunes, until the clock strikes midnight and the music stops.
"Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to Omegus and Mesaana!"
Everyone drinks down their Taints. As confetti showers from the ceiling, the newlyweds, waving to everyone, disappear (quite literally) to begin their honeymoon.
Leanna, passing Thorin back to Ryanna, makes her way through the falling confetti to where the insane six are dancing. "Sorry, guys, the episode's ending. Time for you to go as well."
There are sighs and regretful looks. Someone returns the Lady Warden to her seat, and Snarg returns the Lady Warden's cat (annoyed but none the worse for wear) to the Lady Warden.
"Another toast, before we leave." Shadar lifts his refilled drink. "To the Book Forum, and the whole mad lot of you!"
Shadar responds. "To Long Live Insanity, and to you the same!"
Snarg, Someone, Shaiel, Sycho, Shani and Shadar disappear from the scene. Only are we quite sure that it was the right Shadar who disappeared? Come to think of it, does it really matter?
No, not really. If it bothers you, think about something else. Here, have another Taint!
And now to end this story it's time,
So for fun I'm going to switch to rhyme!
I hope that you enjoyed this bout
Of madness and to those left out,
I really do apologise,
For though I tried through several tries
I just couldn't fit you in!
(You can't always win...)
So, a farewell from our crazy cast,
They said to say they had a blast
And may be back sometime for more.
Now stack the glasses, sweep the floor,
Pay for anything you broke,
And say goodbye to all the folk!
One more Taint, just for the road
And so ends this Special Episode!
Insanity Two Thousand
(They don't get much sillier than this...)
Harken to these tidings glad
Not to mention somewhat mad
Look here and you will espy
A new episode of LLI.
And what for, do I hear you say?
Leanna's reached Club P2K!
Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen, this is my official Second Millenium post. And just to prove I can, I'm going to write the whole thing like this...
Here comes Shadar, somewhat sinister,
Here comes Shani, sultry sister,
Sycho with liquor jug in hand,
Shaiel from the Three-Fold-Land.
Someone guards his books like pearls,
While Snarg really just wants to twirl!
These six today our honoured guests,
Insane just like all the rest,
Cheering, as on this day of fable,
Leanna joins the highest table.
Once occupied by only four,
Now they make room for one more.
The Car'a'carn, rarely mistaken,
The mysterious 14th Forsaken,
Asmodean of "You? No! Hehe"
And Shadar en route to Club Three.
(Shadar the Mad of course I mean
Though there's not much difference, as you've seen.)
And now that we've reached this occasion,
It's time for proper celebration!
So stack the chairs and clear the floor,
Open the windows, close the door,
Drink down your drinks, and take a chance
Grab a partner, and let's dance!
Shadar, madman and great talker,
Dances with the fair Dreamwalker,
While Shani nearby's having fun
Dancing with Belgarion.
(See, though you got left out last time
You're still right in there for this rhyme.)
Someone (of height and speech so long)
Partners green-shawled Ravensong;
In contrast to Weflicker so fleet
Sycho trips on his own feet;
While Javelin-'s sharpness does no good
'Gainst Shaiel's spears of hardened wood.
(No, I don't know where Aiel get wood for their spears either!)
Of course, the rest are dancing too
Leanna with her Warder true,
Though paradoxically otherwise
Known as the Father of Lies.
"I wish you joy this happy day - "
(I promised him a line to say.)
And not just them, but all the others,
From Lady Warden to Wolfbrother,
Forge and Zedora, tavernkeepers,
Pablo-Chi and his Lolita,
Though someone's missing hey! Stop that!
Snarg! Behave! Let go that cat!
(And the next one is somewhat interesting, as this particular High Lord is a noted campaigner against "Look how many posts I have!" posts. But who was the very first person to claim a part when I asked? I guess not even Tyra can resist Long Live Insanity...)
Tyra of the many names,
Legend of Off Topic fame,
Dax (and not the Star Trek one)
Becaila dancing, having fun,
Winter or is it Winter's Heart?
Aan'allein with new name and new start,
Catalina twirls with Butterfly
While dragonreborn stands sulking by.
Omegus and Mesaana soon
Should be back from their honeymoon
There they are, and Valeria just behind
I hope kidnapping's not on her mind...
Faile who started the limerick craze,
Maaaad Marty who has too many 'a's,
Takrane or is it his stunt double?
Der'morat, who's in big trouble,
Ryanna and Thorin Oakenshield,
Dark Blight and Lannie tapping heels,
Guy's just a guy as you will see,
Rangou's new in the LFC,
Elias Machera was my first fan,
Larry Homer is "THE man"
Lucky Calenth's RJ's cousin,
But still there's yet another dozen
Still appearing on the scene,
Like Flouride and min_17,
Lord of the Morning's here,
Zeromus has just appeared,
And pBluescript, and Asq Asha'man;
I didn't know I had so many fans!
And now a new tune starts to sound,
And dancers change partners around;
Shadar asks Silvenna to dance,
Asha'man Varel takes a chance,
And invites Shani for a whirl;
Two mad couples start to twirl.
Kaen, to the music responding,
Asks Amanda for a dance (and bonding)
Illuminator's luck's not in,
Her partner's Sycho, full of gin;
While Aiwass when he next appears
Ends up with Shaiel and her spears.
(No offense meant to you, Illuminator; Aiwass is a different matter. "Not quite as insane" indeed!)
Tomiathon, Horehound and Sprung'Monkey,
Another trio of WoT junkies,
Wipe tears of laughter from their eyes
As Snarg tries to dance with Butterfly.
BTW the newbie listens near;
(Car'a'carn insisted Paah be here.)
Now, is there anyone I missed?
Probably, but none on the list
Of those who piped up eagerly
When I said "Who wants to be
In my next insanity assault?"
The rest of you, it's your own fault!
So let's dance the night away
To celebrate my P2K;
But before that comes the most
Important thing, and that's a toast:
Raise your Taints (the drink's on me)
Long Live Insanity!