Posted on January 04-05, 1999 on the Pages of Prophecy
Category: WoT Humor
Author: Karja

Rand, Cadsuane And The Lumberjack Interlude

Uhh... Well... This is my first attempt at writing fanfic, so it probably sucks... But I've got to start somewhere... Note on the so called humour in it: It's supposed to be kinda dry, of the british type. Don't expect those hilarious situations you find in other's work as I've tried to keep it... Well... A little bit different... Or maybe not... Read it if you don't mind wasting time... :)
I'd really like some feedback on it... If you don't like it just say so... Just so I'll know I won't write something similar again... :)


Part I

Elayne sniffed disdainfully. "And just when did you come to this conclusion?"
"Just now," Rand answered. "I realized I've always had this thing about trees and working in the forest and... Well... You know..."
"No, I most certainly do NOT know! A lumberjack!? That's plain crazy!" Elayne stalked off towards the kitchen. Rand jumped off the golden throne and quickly started following her.
"Hey, wait a minute now! It was YOUR idea I talked to Cadsuane, not mine!" Rand's voice had taken on a slight edge of irritation. Elayne suddenly stopped and turned towards Rand. "My idea!?" She folded her arms under her breasts and sniffed. "If I'm not entirely mistaken it was Min who came over to you and started going 'Ohh, Randy, won't you listen to Cadsuane! She has this marvelous idea...', not me!" She sniffed once more and then walked off a bit faster than before.
"Elayne..." Rand started but was abruptly cut off by an angry "Stuff it!"

Rand turned about and slowly started walking back towards the throne room. "You must kill her... Kill her now!" Lews Therin screamed madly inside his head.
"What!?" Rand exclaimed. "Just why in the name of the Creator should I kill Elayne?" Rand suddenly stopped walking.
"Oh... Sorry... I didn't really listen to your conversation, but with all the sniffing going on I was certain you were talking to Nynaeve." Lews Therin sounded almost ashamed.
"OK, that's all right," Rand said. "Seems just about everyone else wants to kill Nynaeve, so why not you too..."
"Uhh... Rand... You're not... Ehh... How're you feeling?" Perrin, who had come to stand next to Rand during his conversation with LTT, asked.
"Me? I'm mad as a loon!" Rand answered irritably. Perrin stared at Rand's tight, hardened face for a long time, saying nothing.
"You fuck! You almost had me going there!" he suddenly exclaimed sounding very relieved, slapping Rand on the back and laughing. Rand smiled back. "Yeah, well I get kinda tired of hearing that shit all the time..."
"You know, Rand, you HAVE been acting kinda weird lately, so there's no wonder people are asking. You're working too much!" Perrin said in a serious voice.
"I know... It's just so hard to find good people I can delegate the responsibility to... Anyway, Min was saying almost the same thing and she convinced me to go and speak to Cadsuane."
"Cadsuane? What's that old crone supposed to know?" Perrin was frowning a bit and an almost unaudible snarl could be heard coming from his throat. "I don't like her. She smells... Weird!"
"Yeah, well, however she smells I had a chat with her. She gave me this tip, you know; I need a vacation! She told me to take a few weeks and go do something I find completely relaxing. Before we met I got this great idea to Travel to the Two Rivers, disguising myself as a woodsman and spends some time as a lumberjack!"
Rand's eyes had started sparkling in the pale light of the hallway.
"Why a lumberjack? Why not tend sheep?" Perrin asked bewildered.
"You see... I never wanted to be a shepherd..." Rand said and took up a strange pose, facing the reader. A strange sort of music never heard before in Randland could be heard in the background. "I wanted to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of... Hmm... Whatever those rivers are called..." A male choir could be heard from somewhere. [NOTE! If you haven't figured it out already this is supposed to be a slight alteration of Monthy Python's Lumberjack skit. As I'm going to break it off here, thus giving you no more clues, I thought it best I gave the explanation here.]
"Great for you Rand!" Perrin suddenly interrupted. The music and the choir stopped immediately. "But remember, if you ever feel that you no longer dislike the axe, you'd better come right back to what you're doing now."
"What!?" Rand exclaimed. "What's that for sort of advice?"
"Uhh... Never mind..." Perrin said as he glanced at the watch on his wrist. "Oh! Look at the time! I have to pick up Faile outside the mall in five minutes. Haven't got time to chat more, Rand. I'll see ya!"
"Bye..." Rand said vaguely as Perrin started running down the hallway.

[Stay tuned for more silly WoT-stories... Part II (Hmm... maybe III...) will feature several blockbusting scenes such as:
Rand & Lanfear - Will old Lannie get over Rand's sudden insecurity on his present sexual disposition?
Elayne - Will her eating distortions take on a different way of manifesting themselves?
Other - A lot of other stuff! Hopefully... ]


Part II

Still standing in the long, winding hallway halfway between the throne room and the kitchen Rand stood still a long time staring at nothing after Perrin had run off.
"Must kill him... Must kill them all!" Lews Therin suddenly screamed madly in his head.
"What are you going on about now, Lews?" Rand asked snappishly. "Just how fun do you think it is to hear your bloody screaming all day, really!?"
"Just how bloody fun do you think it is beeing inside your head, really!?" Lews snapped back. "It's not like I have a choice, you know! I was minding my own business living quite happy as dead (well, not literally...) when this bloody Creator dude comes along, nagging about how my alter ego needs advice and all that... I told him right away 'Just get outta here, mister! I'm just fine sitting here with my beer and potato chips for the rest of eternity.', but do you think he listens? Oh, no, not the bloody Creator dude himself, no..." Lews Therin took a deep breath and started talking again.
"And as for my advice, I haven't seen a single time you've done as I told you! What about when I keep telling you to kill off Demandred, and you just go on acting friendly with him! I'm telling you, he's no good company, I should know..."
"What was that?" Rand asked very surprised. "Demandred? I thought you were just-"
"Yeah! That's just the point!" Lews Therin interrupted. "You never really listen to a single thing I'm telling you! No respect for the elder, that's what's wrong with this Age... Not counting the Dark One and all of his minions, of course..." Lews Therin's voice had taken on a rebuking tone. "Here I am, over 150 times older than you, and do you listen? All I get is 'Be quiet Lews, you're mad' 'Shut up Lews, you're just a crazy old loon!'"
"Hey, I've never said the last one!" Rand replied sounding not very sure of himself.
"Bahh... Kids today... *grumble*" With that Lews Therin's voice started to fade away.
"Wait! Lews! What was that about Demandred? Come back!" At the same time Loial came striding out from around the corner. He eyed Rand suspiciously. "Rand, are you... I mean... Are you feeling well...?" Rand stared at Loial with cold eyes, saying nothing.

Meanwhile, in the royal kitchen:

"You really shouldn't be here, Aes Sedai Queen Trakand. If there is something you want we can bring it to you." the garde-manger (heh... just looked up that word... I hope you know what it means... I sure as heck didn't before... :) said nervously to Elayne who just had come into the kitchen looking quite distressed.
"Get out! All of you! I want to be here alone!" Elayne said coldly as she thrusted her nose into the air. The aforementioned garde-manger together with a number of different cooks and scullery maids quickly hurried out of the before cramped kitchen.
"But... We must prepare this evening's meal!" the head cook said worriedly.
"Am I not your queen, my good cook!?"
"Yes, of course... I..."
"Am I not Aes Sedai!?"
"Of course you are... I..." The head cook who had begun to sweat a trifle worriedly sought out Elayne's eyes.
"DON'T TRY TO EYEBALL ME, YOU SON (DAUGHTER? I haven't given the poor man/woman a gender...) OF A GOAT! WHEN YOU ADDRESS ME IT SHALL BE WITH THE PROPER RESPECT REQUIRED!"
["I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE ABLE TO DO THAT..." the Dark One asked no one in particular. "No, you silly! That's every queen's normal commanding voice!" No One in Particular answered. "BUGGER... I'D BETTER COME UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE, THEN... 'hOw ABouT ThIS?'" the DO asked. "Sorry... That's standard Ninth Age Elite-script..." "DAMN"]
"Aes Sedai Queen Lord Trakand Sir! When do you expect us to be able to return to the kitchen, sir?" The head cook quickly spurted out the question, now staring at nothing.
"You may all return in three hours." Elayne said after she sniffed disdainfully a few times. The head cook almost ran out of the kitchen. Elayne started preparing a number of sandwiches for herself...

Back to the hallway....

"Do you really think that is a good idea, Rand...? According to the prophecies you still have to lose a hand and lots of other stuff before Tarmon Gaidon, and you may not have too much time on you side." Loial's voice was surprised but all his face showed was grave concern.
"Why's everyone complaining 'bout my lumberjack idea!? I thought it was a great idea! Spend a few weeks in the Two Rivers chopping down trees and relaxing a bit. No one who knows who I am..." Rand wore a wounded look and was pouting a bit.
"Sure, it's great, Rand... It's just that... You know Nynaeve has been captured by Moghedien and needs rescuing. And I thought you were having plans on cleansing saiding in the near future?" Loial asked worriedly.
"I have! But I thought Nynaeve should help me out with that."
"Well, wouldn't rescuing her be a quite important concern then?"
"Of course... That's why I put Min on the job!"
"WHAT!? Alone?" Loial was chocked.
"No, of course not... I sent Gaul with her!"
"Why? A girl and a Aiel alone agains one of the Forsaken!?"
"Because that's what they least expects!" Rand brightened up and looked very pleased with himself.
"They wouldn't suspect a gun-crazed iguana either! Have you gone completely mad!?" Loial almost screamed, and when an Ogier is screaming we're not talking bumblebees.
Rand's behaviour turned quite somber. "No. Not mad. Not mad at all. I just do what I need to do. The Light help me, I just do what I need to do to succede in the Last Battle... Not mad - yet..."

The royal kitchen, once more....

"That bastard Rand! He doesn't think of anyone except himself!" She sniffed disdainfully and started adding large pieces of roast beef to the sandwich she was preparing.
"He never fetches me slippers when it's cold on the floor..." Elayne muttered to herself while wolfing down the sandwich.
"And never does as I say..." She started preparing a large plate with salmon and trout fricassÚ.
"And he never notices when I'm not happy with him... Despite me smiling and sayin 'Oh' in a normal tone! Anyone should be able to get that hint!" She sniffed and would have tugged her braid had she had one.
"And he always leaves the toilet seat up!" She sobbed quietly for a while, then finished the plate of various fish and started preparing a mix of grape jelly, tomatoes, turnips and cinnamon....

[Isn't this exciting!? What will happen to Min and Gaul? The signs are all there: Elayne's having problems... And Rand for that matter! Has he finally gone mad, or is he just doing what he needs to do? All this can be found out in the next part, coming soon to a BB near you. This will also feature the infamous Rand&Lanfear scene! Probably... If I don't digress and start making up lots of other stuff, like in this one... ]

Karja


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