Posted on July 29-August 04, 1998 on WoT Alliance BBS
Category: WoT Humor

Wot Celebrity Deathmatch

(cheering in the stands) (signs with the "RJ is GOD", "I serve the Great Lord" "Whitecloaks Suck", "DO Sucks", "You Suck" and "Rand Al'thor is my Love-slave" permeate the stands)

"Greetings all you TV fanatics out and certainly that means just as much as you people out there with you television screens as those from Tar Valon. That's right folks. Celebrity Deathmatch is very proud to present to you probably the most unparalleled, gore-filled, bloodletting, bone-crushing, no holds bar slaughter fest ever seen in the history of Celebrity Deathmatch. I'm Johnny Gomez."
"And I'm Nick Diamond. Boy I tell you what Johnny, these fighters and the crowd sure are ready for this one. I mean the tension's so thick, could cut it with a knife."
"That's right Nick. Tonight's Main event, the Battle Royale, certainly something to rival Armageddon in its intensity, as Rand Al'thor, the Dragon Reborn, the Man with Fiery hands, takes on his opponent, the Newest and seemingly most dangerous adversary, the thing of Fear, the baddest of the bad Fades, Shadar Haran! But for our under-card bouts, we have what is surely something never seen before as the eight of the meanest, toughest chicks battle it out to prove which team really is the most fearsome females as the members of DOL, Ariella, The Great Mistress of the Dark and known for her love of all things dark and deadly, Mabriam Sedai, know for her grit and smart cutting remarks, Draelin Sedai, considered by all to be the most dangerous of the four new bad girls on the block even to herself, Egwene2, Dark sister to Ariella and whipper of hounds, all face off against the original bad girls themselves, the four remaining female Forsaken, Moghedien, Mesaana, Semirhage and Graendal in Deathmatch electrified, steel cage match. It's a winner take all in that one folks as these ladies will slug it all out to the death."
"I tell you what Johnny if ever the was a chick fight that you didn't want to miss, this would be the one. I mean these ladies are just vicious and ready to tear into each just as much as into men. "
"That's right Nick. I'll tell you one thing, I'm just glad I'm not down there with those ladies. Our other undercard bout will be featuring the Wolf of the Two Rivers, the Man of the fearless Golden eyes, Perrin will face off against the foreteller of Doom, that slobbering mess of fanaticism, Masema, Prophet of the Dragon to determine who will be Rand Al'thor comrade in leading the charge at Tarmon Ga'don."
"Well Johnny you got to admit this is one going to be the bloodbath of the century. I mean Perrin is just ready to animalistic on Masema for some of his remarks. But you do have to give that Masema credit. He was soldier longer and so you got to think even for guy that a taco short a combo, he still can rip out your lungs if not his followers."
"You've got that right Nick. And finally our first match will feature one very unusual opponent pitted against an even more unlikely adversary as the Darkhound of WOTA, UKDarkhound, the man-dog of the Dark gets his paws into it with Valan Luca, master of the sideshow."
"Now this is by far the strangest match I've ever seen. I mean this one tops the meeting of the lips match not far back. But still I think this will be a good fight. Or just something to liven the folks up for the main event."
"Right you are, partner. But lets now introduce the home audience to our special guests who will helping us cover these matches. Joining us for these special events will be our two celebrities from both sides, the Dark one himself and his friend Shadowkiller. So fellas, what do think the chance are of Rand taking on the what is considered by some as the ultimate Fade and killing machine?"
"Well…uhm…that nice, DO…So Shadowkiller…I see you have an action figure of Rand Al'thor. I take that to mean you thing the Lord of Morning will rip that fade a eye hole or too?'
"That's right Johnny, I've been collecting action figures for a long time now. And let me tell you it's always easy. I mean there's the time when I.."
"Uhm, excuse me, Shadowkiller, that doesn't answer our question about tonight's rumble in WoT."
"Oh! Well I suppose not…My thoughts are this will be a good fight and neither guys is going to get my action figure of me!"
"Okay then…Well Johnny, I think that our ref, Mills lane is ready to get the first bout of the night underway."
"Yes you are right there, Nick. Entering first is the Dog that seems to have his day, that ever morphingnomenal, quick witted Hound of the WOTA BB, UKDarkhound!"
(cheers and screaming all around)
"Hey folks! Don't forget, if I lose I promise you all fleas for a month!"
"And his opponent, tamer of many things, a man that seems to hold no fear of anything except losing money, Valan Luca!"
"Uhm...really this isn't necessary. I mean I'm sure this can all be worked out…Did I mention I faint at the sight of blood? Especially mine."
"And now here's Mills Lane to give the instructions to our combatants."
"Okay. I want a good, tough, clear fight. No licking or nibbling below the belt and you, Darkhound, no radical changes in clothing or pirating acts either in my ring or kick your doggie ass outta here. Got it?"
(UKDH smiles) (Luca looking for a way out and then asks)
"Uhm…I don't suppose I could go bury my grandma? She just died yesterday."
"What are you? A pansy! This is Deathmatch! Now, Let get it on!"
(switch back to camera view and commentary from Nick, Johnny, DO and Rhodric)
"And there they go! UKDH starts out by just taunting Luca. The man is now just furious and charges the Hound. Ow!…and there goes a leg as DH used his patented tail slash followed by his little cologne/acidic jar stunt. Oh man, that's going to leave mark. But Luca's not out of it yet. He's pulling out the whips! Ooo and this where DH is most vulnerable."
"Yeah, all those times spend in Shayol Ghul really warped the guy."
(DO sits there and stares ominously at Shadowkiller playing war with his action figures to the annoyance of all)
"DH is just sitting there and taking his punishment! Luca's just whipping away from the far corner…and hey it looks like maybe the cavalry has arrived! Here comes..yes it is! Dazar Gaidin and Blaine Gaidin to help their fallen comrade!"
"Oh you got to love this feeling of brotherhood here, Johnny."
"Dazar takes out his Shienarian longsword and, WHAM! cuts Luca in down to size. Blaine follows through with nice little beheading with his heron marked blade."
(Mills Lane helps DH up and raises his hand.)
"The winner!"
"Aw…and I was just beginning to think he liked me!"
"Well, now Nick, seems like the Gaidin brothers of Draelin Sedai are helping the Hound back to the dressing room which is where we are now going to LIVE with Stacy Spellman, our new correspondent inside the locker room with an exclusive interview with the ladies of the DOL."
"Thanks Nick and Johnny. I'm hear with the spokeswoman of the DOL, Ariella to get the inside scoop on what is the DOL intends to do about their opposition."
"Well Stacy, I for one am going make sure that all those nice boys out there get to see what a REAL woman can do, especially a goddess like myself. My sis and my daughters are just ready to go kick those little trollops back to Shayol Ghul and prove once and for all that DOL is for life and we are the ones that rule for a good time!"
(Draelin trips as she comes in)
"Whoops! Sorry Mamma."
(famous Ariella grin)
"That's okay Draeby. I know you're just getting pschyed up for our little tussle with those tarts."
"Yeah Mamma, me and Mabs were just making sure that Daz didn't get hurt."
"Well, that's nice dear. I'm sure neither of us would want Daz to be incapacitated. (a weg appears on Ariella face) At least not while we are around…."
(door burst open and Semirhage appears)
"You dare to disgrace the name of the Great Lord you slattern! We are the Chosen. The Great Lord told use the True Source in his name, not disgrace it as you have. You insects will pay dearly for defaming both the Shadow and your powers!"
(defiant stare from Ariella)
"Big words from a woman that couldn't keep a man around even with restraints, you obsequious little tart. I will personally have your head on a platter and use it as keg for my next little party!"
"Yeah! You tell'em Mamma! "
(Semirhage turns blue in the face, turns and walks away in disgust.)

"Well folks we have to take a commerical break, but when we come back, more celebrity WoT celebrity deathmath and more blood letting I'm sure."
(fade out)


And now ...
Continuing the relentless tradition of lunacy...
The Rambler as a commentator!
"Oh no," groaned one, "It's Kiriath."
The gleeman marches in, waving his patchcloth cloak, "Greetings." Looking about, he chuckled, "Where's Moghedian?"
Stepping into the seat, the comments began anew...
"Moghedian doesn't seem to be on the field, folks. It's a disappointment, of course; we all want to see her get ripped to shreds. Hey ..wait a minute.. there's a Brown sister stepping into the ranks, it's ..Danelle! This is all or nothing, a desperation tactic," said the commentator, observing a white flame behind her back.

"Duck!" yelled Ariella, but it was too late. The balefire defeated tGmotD herself. The other three charged, heedless of their sanity, flinging long whips of white flame at the Brown, Ariella suddenly appearing.
"It looks like the balefire strategy backfired, the worst possible thing for the Forsaken."
Meanwhile, Moghedian could be observed in the background, knitting giant strings around the cage.

"It looks like the Spider is using her foolproof tactic. But ..."

Draelin Sedai peered cautiously at the edge. "I see shadows..."
Ariella chuckled, "I do too. You have to, in such a Dark Palace as mine."
"No, I see something."
"Here. Let's lighten up the matters, shall we?"
The Great Mistress shot balefire, the commentator staring, repeating her every next phrases, "The value of not being seen."
Balefire. "Boom."
Balefire. "Boom."
Balefire. "Boom," producing an, "Aaah!"

"And then the final one. Semirhage."

[Off camera] "She's already gone."

"She is? No, no, yes, yes, a bit, a bit."

"Ooops. I'm on, aren't I?"


"What's left, then?"
"We now have chaos."

"Yes." The commentator looked down and ran from the building, screaming as the women raced after him, whips flailing after...

Kiriath, Undercover Intrigleeman
Still ramblin', however controlled the quality...

(fade in a camera view of someone's butt tattooed with the words "The Real Machin Shin Baby!")

"Well folks it's good to get you back to the start of our next bout between the Ripper of Trolloc, Perrin Abyara and the converter and apparent spokesman for the Dragon Reborn, the Power propping Prophet, Masema. But before we begin there, I'd like to turn our attention once more to the locker room where our correspondent, Stacy Spellmen is live with another exclusive this time with the man himself, Rand Al'Thor.
"Thanks Johnny. I'm here with the proclaimed Savior of Mankind, Rand Al'Thor to find out what his plans are for beating his opponent."
(Rand is talking again with himself)
"NO! Stop that! I won't shag her and that's final. Stop doing that! I mean it. I won't bond her and that's all on that. Stupid man…Dead one too."
"Uhm...Are you okay?"
"What? Oh me, yeah it's nothing. It's just Lews Therin. Now what were you saying?"
"Oh uhm…nothing really…Say, nice tattoos
(shows off his arms and palms) "Well they aren't REALLY tattoos. But there right nice…So what can I do you for?"
"Well do you mind if I call you Rand."
(Rand nods but again seems preoccupied)
"Anyway Rand, everyone is curious about your fight with Shadar Haran. I mean from what I understand he's supposed to be the worst thing next to the Dark One."
"Well Stacy I look at it like this. This thing or Fade, whatever it is, he wants to harm lots of people. That's why there the Dragon Reborn. To stop the hurting…NO! I won't do it, you crazy fool. Quit trying to break those stupid seals!"
"Rand, what seals? Are you for then the killing of the Seattle harbor seals then?"
"What?!! No, I was talking to him again."
(Stacy backs away with patient smile on her face)
"Well uhm…Sure I understand Rand." Mutters under her breath "Why do I get all the loony ones?"
(Suddenly a small scrawny individual burst in on Rand)
"Time. I always ask that when it seems like there are only a couple people. Hi I'm the Key"
"Key to what?"
"Just Key. Say, want to meet my lap beast?"
"Um no…"
(Shadowkiller then burst in)
"Idiot, I told you to stay out!"
"Aw…. Sk…"
"Don't you SK me, runt. Get out of here before I BF your butt back to the Stone ages"
"Waaa!!!" (Key runs away)
(embarrassed look from Shadowkiller)
"Sorry about that, Rand, Stacy. It's just that Key…well never mind. Don't worry Rand I'm sure you'll kick that wimp fade butt."
(Suddenly Shadar Haran steps out of the shadows)
(in high pitched, almost Gibert Godfred voice)
"You little maggot. I will destroy you and use your bones for toothpicks."
(All are shocked at the sound more than the words)
(Shadar Haran leaves, but trips over a trashcan as he dives back into the shadows)
(SJK then travels back to the stage)

"Well uhm okay then…. Thank you Rand, Shadowkiller and Shadar Haran…Back you Johnny and Nick."
(Mutters to herself, thinking they were off camera.)
"I knew I should have taken that job on Hard Copy."
(Turn back to the pair)
"Well things seem to be getting out of hand already. I just hope none of it reaches us, Johnny"
"Don't worry, Nick, I'm told that anything does get out of hand, there is a portal stone nearby and that should take us to safety. Though honestly I have no idea how to use it."
"Well I'm sure it won't be a problem. After all, I'm sure that the network needs us for more deathmatches. Now I do have one or two questions for the Dark One here. How do you response to the allegations that Ariella is your sister?"
(Big, long, time stopping pause from DO)
"Well okay then…Well it looks like the next match is on, Johnny."
"Yep and here comes the wolf of the hour, Perrin Abyara already with his famous axe already in hand. Boy, Perrin sure looks teed off and ready to kill."
(Shadowkiller turns and whispers to Johnny and Nick)
"Uhm…actually guys…I hear it was cause of Faile that Perrin got in this mess."
(Both ignore Shadowkiller) (DO eyes Shadowkiller with newfound respect)
"Man, he is a big boy?"
"That he is, Nick, and now here come his opponent, the Real Mad Monk, Masema."
(Big cheers from the crowd and Sign reading, "The Prophet predicts a lot of dead Wolves!" Effigies of wolves and Perrin burning pervade the crowd.)
"Thank you, Loyal believers. I speak only for the Dragon and I say, Perrin Abyara is pansy little wolf lover."
(A growl from Perrin and he thumbs his axe head)
(Mills Lane stand far from them but still manages to get his says in)
"Okay Gentleman. I want a good clean fight. No blows to head or touching of the others cheeks. Perrin, no outside interfere or furs either inside my ring or I'm throwing your ass out of here. Okay, any questions?"
(Perrin eyes Masema) (Masema drools and slobbers over himself. Then licks his hair back as well)
"Just one, Master Lane, How is that this mess of madness considers himself more human than me?"
(Masema snarls and Perrin bares his teeth at him)
"Uhm. Skip it then, Perrin. Let's get it on!"
(camera view turns back to Nick and Johnny, Sk mildly interested and the DO just sitting there, his eyes intent on something else)
"And there they go! Perrin swings with a vicious upcut to the torso. But Masema some how avoid the blow and OW…is now chewing on Perrin's ear! My god, this is worse than the Mike Tyson fight. He's actual got the ear and chewing on it!"
"Boy Johnny, you want to talk about a no holds bars contest, this is shaping up right now to be the bloodiest deathmatch we've had in a while."
"It's more than that though, Nick, I mean as a Wot Fanatic, this is something else. Whoa, Perrin just threw Masema to the ropes and BAM, right into the axeface. Oh that's gonna leave a mark. Now Perrin continues by giving Masema the once over with some mule kicks to spine."
"Hey kid, shut up and look nice for the camera. And save your little insignificant information for later."
(The DO eyes blaze slightly and poof both Johnny and Nick are nothing more than ashes)
"Uhm…okay then…DO…I'll just continue with the commentating then... And now Masema's on the prowl as he starts to claw at Perrin. What's this? Oh man! Now Masema is taunting him by drooling over him! Oh man! That just…Oh that's just disrespecting Perrin all over the place. Now he take Perrin and makes him eat canvas."
(Masema climbs the ropes)
"I am the Prophet! I am the mouthpiece of the Dragon Reborn. No trollocspawned whoreson will triumph over the Light of the Dragon. Nor over me! Yeah!"
(crowd goes nuts, throwing trash and even themselves, guys with a sign reading "We are the true followers of the Dragon" start to maim and kick others around them)
But Perrin's not out of it yet. He takes Masema down with a vicious right hook and OOWW there goes Masema hand as he barely rolled away in time for Perrin to deliver what would have been a fatal blow. It's now a distinct advantage for Perrin as he winds up for the killing blow…But wait. What's this? Faile's coming to the ring! Oh man… I can't believe the nerve that…What I meant to say is she's a really gutsy lady to come in this kind of support. Now she's stepping up and, OW! delivers the near fatal blow to the chest with some of her famous knifes from where I just don't know….Well maybe I do…just can't say on live TV…But now Perrin, yes! He swipes that Masema head clean off. Well folks, personally this a great thrill for me to be here bring this to you live…Which is where I understand we are now going to as well. Apparently our Stacy Spellman is in the middle of huge catfight between two of the members of the Forsaken and the DOL. We now take you live and in progress."

(Scene is absolute chaos as Eg2 is facing off against Moghedien)
(Eg2 has her whips ready and poised, a very evil smile crosses her lips)
(Moggy is ready to kill; she is surrounded by saidar.)
"You witch! You'll pay for that little remark! I am more than just some 'itsy bitsy black widow'! I am Moghedien! I was told you by your mom and her mother and so on!"
"Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. Big talk, and all it wind, Moggy. I know for a fact Nynaeve kicked your sorry butt so now it's me, my Sis and nieces turn to do the same to you."
(Moggy screeches and then releases a fury of Wind and Spirit)
(Eg2 yawns and easily deflect their attack) (familiar smile crosses her lips)
"Best you can do, Moggy. Cause I've had hounds peskier than you and made them beg like the dickens! (weg also appears)
(Moggy then tries to claw at her but then security guards manage to restraint her)
"I'll get you! I swear I'll rip out your bloody, wenchfilled heart!"
"Aw you're just jealous Moggy cause I'm prettier. See you in the ring."

(cameras turn to Shadowkiller and the DO)
"Well folks this seems like a good time to take a commercial break. But soon to be joining us will be another special guest, Miss Silver Moon to help us in our continuos coverage of these matches."

(fade out)

Nightfall aka Blaine Gaidin

© 1998-1999 Dragon's Library & Ulrike Großmann