Posted 1998 on WoT Alliance BBS
Category: WoT Humor

The Complete Stag Party

[Episode 1] [Episode 2] [Episode 3] [Episode 4] [Episode 5] [Episode 6]
[Episode 7] [Episode 8] [Episode 9] [Episode 10] [Episode 11] [Episode 12]

EPISODE 1

The barman of the "Queen's Colon" tavern looked up as five guys of varying ages, shapes, sizes and countenances entered. "Oh no," thought the barman. "This is trouble."

One wore a cloak that shifted it's colours to blend with the background so that it seemed his head floated in mid-air. He went over to the pool-table with the grey-eyed psycho with the matching tattoos. A young looking rogue with a nasty spear and a fox medallion stood surveying the waitresses, whilst the Gleeman with the ridiculous facial hair talked to the big lug with the golden eyes.

The young looking rogue with the fox medallion looked around with a broad grin, removed his even broader hat, and shouted "Lock up your daughters, Mat Cauthon, Lord of lurve, is back in town!" and immediately sauntered over to Brenda the busty waitress..... Thom Merrelin approached the bar...

Thom: Five Flagons of "Old Bonzo's Leg Shortener" please, barman.
Perrin: Why's it called that, Thom?
Thom: Because, three pints of this, young bull, and you'll find your ass on the floor!

(At the pool table, Rand misses a risky double on the eight ball. After it comes to rest, it mysteriously rolls into the pocket.)

Lan: You cheating swine!
Rand: What? Me?
Lan: Yeah, you channelled it into the pocket !
Rand: Did not!
Lan: Did too!
Thom: (coming over from the bar with Perrin) Lads, lads, give it a rest will you? Rand, that's very unsporting you know.
Rand: Well, I NEVER win (sulks) Whether it's cards with Mat, or Arm-wrestling with Perrin, or Swordplay with Lan, I always come second!
Mat: (from across the bar) THAT'S NOT WHAT MIN TOLD US! ABOUT YOU COMING SECOND I MEAN....

Rand glares at Mat, but he's busy picking olives from Brenda's cleavage with his teeth.

Perrin: Oh yeah, like you can complain, Rand. A nation of savages ready to fight for you, all the lords of the land bow to you, and to top it all, THREE women on the go!
Rand: (sheepish grin) Yeah, well. Get's expensive at christmas though.

[Just then, the lights are dimmed and the tavern goes quiet.]

Barman: Gentlemen, Gentlemen, silence please! Tonight, for your entertainment, the one, the only, the sexy, the scintillating, the sensational, SELENE !!! (crowd go wild)

[A stunning dark-haired woman emerges onto the stage, garbed in silver and white. She begins to sing in a low, sultry tone:]

Selene: "I got chills, they're multiplying....and I'm looooosing contro-o-ol. Coz the power you're supplying...." (jumps on the pool table in front of an open mouthed Rand) "...it's Electrifying !!!!"

[Thom frantically knuckles his moustache. Lan wears what passes for a grin on his face. Mat, who wasted no time in joining his friends, is trying to roll his tongue up from the floor. Perrin is open mouthed. Rand has turned a burgundy colour.]

Meanwhile...

Selene: Y'better shape up (oooh-oooh-oooh) coz I need a man...." (puts a foot on his shoulder) "and my heart is set on you.....Y'better shape up...."

Meanwhile.....

Nynaeve: He's WHAT? (tugs braid)
Elayne: Having a stag party, Nynaeve.
Nynaeve: Why? (tugs braid) (sniffs)
Elayne: He's just having fun, Nynaeve
Nynaeve: He's not aloud to have fun! (tug) (sniff) (tug)
Birgitte (under her breath) No, nor is anyone else whilst your around.
Nynaeve: What did you say? (sniff) (tug) (big sniff) (double-tug)
Birgitte: I said he won't be having much fun without you around.
Elayne: (hiding a grin) He's not married yet, Nyn. His fun will end soon enough. Just give him one night, hey?
Nynaeve: (tug) Well....(sniff) I suppose one night's okay (tug) ....but if he so much as LOOKS at any woman... (ominous tug) (ominous sniff)

Down at the Queens Colon (The tavern, that is)......

[Selene finishes her act, and grabs Rand's tankard of dark brew. She downs it in one.]

Selene: (wiping lips) I do like to get my lips round a nice dark Aiel....
Rand: Surely you mean dark Ale?
Selene: I know what I mean... (heavy lidded look)
Mat: (laying on the pool table) Hey, Lishen to me, efferybody. I've gotta really good idea. Letsh all go 'n get tattooed ! Randsh got 'em and he's got bloody women all over... (hic)...over the shop.
Lan: Where you gonna get tattood this time of night, Mat?
Mat: (pulls down his breaches) Well, I thought I'd get one right about....
Lan: NO! No.. I meant where abouts in the world, not on your body.
Mat: (belch) Oh...S'right then. I.... (tries to walk but forgets his pants are round his ankles, and falls flat on his face)
Perrin: You alright Mat?
Mat: (snore) zzzzzzz
Rand: Hey, I know! Where we can get tattoos, that is. Lets go to Rhui.... Rhooey.... Rio... Rudi.... That place in the waste where I got these! (displays matching dragons)
Selene: Mmmmm, I just looooove a man with tattoos, Randy.
Perrin: Right, that settles it. Rand, can you make us a gateway?
Rand: Shure. S'no problem 'tall. (wobbles slightly) There!

[A gateway appears a few feet away, but horizontally Two men drinking at a bench nearby look down to find their legs sliced off below the knee.]

Man#1: (holds up his tankard) Hey, I see why this is called Leg-Shortener !
Man#2: Yeah, thank the light we didn't order a couple of flagons of Dangerous Frank's Knob-Exploder !
Rand: Lads, Help me with Mat, will ya?

[They all grab a limb each and chuck him into the air above the gateway, letting gravity do the rest.]

(Gravity: Yeah, that'd be right. Just throw him in the air, and let muggins here do the rest. I'll break my back, while you all sit around....)

[One by one, Perrin, Thom, Lan and Rand, with Selene in tow, dive through the gateway, which winks out]

[top]

EPISODE 2

It was midnight, or thereabouts. The moon was full (and Astronauts queued to get in). Deep in the forbidding wastes of the three-fold land, 5 men and a woman made their way along. Well, four of the men anyway. One of them, Mat Cauthon, was being pulled along the ground by Rand and Perrin, who had hold of a leg each. Selene walked to the side of Rand, whilst Lan and Thom led the way. Of all of them, only Selene's graceful steps could be deemed "steady"....

Lan: So, you don't exactly know where it is that we are then, Rand?
Rand: Look, weaving a gateway whilst under the influence of alcohol is not an exact science, you know.
Thom: Who told you that?
Rand: Asmo...I mean, I read it somewhere. Yeah, in a book, that's right.
Perrin: Well, I hope we find an Aiel hold soon, I'm getting very thirsty.
Rand: Yeah, I can't believe how heavy Mat's got.
Thom: Well, it just so happens... (rummaging around in his cloak)... Aha! Thought so. Knew I had a bottle of Leg Shortener somewhere. Anyone think to bring a bottle opener?

[Lan, Perrin, Rand and Thom all look around sheepishly]

Perrin: We've got to get it open! I'm desperate!
Rand: (grabs the bottle) must break the seal break the seal bust the seal kill the seal break it break it break break break...
Perrin: Rand, calm down man. No need to crazy over it. (the others look at him sharply) Well, not crazy, exactly, I mean...I..
Selene: Oh for hell's sake! (grabs the bottle from Rand, grips the bottle neck in her cleavage, and twists.) There, it's open. Might be a little warm though, and some of the seat from by bossom is on the bottle lip. Whose first?
Rand: ME!
Perrin: NO, ME!
Lan: ME! ME! ME! GIMMEE !
Thom: ME! It's my (BLEEPING) bottle, you (BLEEPS).
Mat: (from the ground) meeee.... meeeee.
Selene: Rand asked first. (gives bottle to Rand) Here, Lord Dragon. (husky voice) Put this in your mouth and take a deep swallow ...
Lan: (stroppy voice) That's it ! I'm going to lay down here and just die.
Thom: Y'can't die, Lan. Nynaeve would kill you...
Lan: It's my party, and I'll die if I want to! (leans up against a strangely marked pillar) Yeah, nice and comfy against this portal stone...
Perrin: Portal Stone?
Thom: Portal Stone?
Rand: Portal Stone?
Portal Stone: Me?
Mat: (slurred) Stortal Pone? (hic)

Selene: (to author) Get on with it, Darkhound. I'm not going to say it, so you might as well just get on with it.
Darkhound: Alright! Alright! (low voice) Bloody women...
Ariella: What was that, slave? (dangerous voice)
Darkhound: (face to floor) Nothing, most magnificent majestiness.
Ariella: GET ON WITH IT THEN!

[And so Rand activated the portal stone.]

Flicker. Flicker. Flicker again. (pause) Flicker. Flicker? Flicker! (A really long pause) Fricker (a chinese flicker), F-L-I-C-K-E-R (a flicker trying to make an impression)

Thom: Where are we?
Rand: An alternate world that might exist.
Perrin: Different to ours?
Rand: Maybe. Could be VERY different...for example, here Faile might be a really nice girl....
Lan: Or here, there may be someone that thinks the artwork in the WOT guide is really cool.
Selene: No, warder, I don't think that world COULD exist.
Rand: (points) Look!
Everyone: What?
Rand: (holds up his pointing finger) I broke a nail...
Lan: I swear, I'm gonna thump him in a minute...
Perrin: (points finger) Look!
Thom: We're not falling for that again, wolf-boy.
Perrin: Erm...I meant REALLY look.

[A man was coming towards them. They all fingered their weapons. Selene suggested there was a time and a place for that kind of behaviour, so they gripped their swords and axes instead.]

Man: Hello! Lost are you?
Rand: No! Where just...temporarily between places we recognize.
Perrin: Or "Lost" as it's otherwise known.
Man: Well, allow me to guide you. My names Fred Saberhagen.
Everyone (except Mat): Who?
Fred: Fred Saberhagen! Y'now, the guy who gets to have his words on all of RJ's covers!
Rand: Wait a minute...You're the one that says... (frowns) "As long as a broadsword, and bulging with fine words?"
Perrin: No, it's "As solid as a big sword, and trembling with true excitement?"
Thom: "As tough as old boots, and hot as a fire?"
Lan: "As strong as a rock, and glowing like a hot fire?"
Mat: (mumbled) as big as a bigthing 'n' s'long as long?"
Selene: "As stiff as a meaty [CENSORED] and throbbing with true [CENSORED] ?"
Fred: SHUTTUP! SHUTTUP! (shakes head) Look, it's "Solid as a steel blade, and glowing with true magic" (proud look)
Everyone (except Mat): (disappointed tone) Oh.
Fred: Yeah, well.....Look, about this world. It's the most terrible world that ever could be. It's a world where RJ decided to write WOT as a musical!
Everyone (except Mat): NO!
Rand: We gotta get out of here....

[Suddenly, a new voice:]

New voice: Not so fast!
Selene: Semirhage!
Semi: Yes! Semirhage! And I have you all shielded and in my power!
Rand: She's right, I can't channel!
Selene: Nor can I ! (they all look at her) ....I mean, obviously I can't...I'm only the Lady Selene after all....I meant if I could have channelled, then now I wouldn't have been able to... that's what I meant!
Thom: Torture us all you want. We'll tell you nothing!
Lan: Yeah, nothing at all, foul forsaken! Torture away!
Perrin: Sod them! I'll tell you everything, honest.
Darkhound: Torture me all you want! Please! I'll give you anything, just torture me!
Everyone (even Mat): SHUT UP, DARKHOUND!
Semi: Meistro! (music starts up from somewhere) - ("favourite things" from the sound of music)

...and Semi starts singing:

"Shackles and Handcuffs and things that restrain you,
Thumbscrews and stretch-racks and things that will pain you,
Items that hurt you, and burn you, and sting,
these are a few of my favourite things..."

Everyone: SCREAM!

[top]

EPISODE 3

The story so far: Our Stag Party consisting of Lan (duh!), Rand, Mat, Perrin and Thom have gone to the waste with the mysterious Selene to find Rhuidean and get tattooed. But they got lost, and so decided to try the portal stone method of travel. Now they are stuck in a WOT musical, with only Fred "Solid as a steel blade yada yada" Saberhagen to guide them.... (is that ALL that's happened so far? I've really got to make this story move....)

The screams of the party managed to stir the so-far mainly-comatosed Mat......

Mat: Hey what's that (BLEEPING) noise?
Rand: (hands over ears) It's Semirhage Mat. She's singing!
Semi: [Theme tune to "Fame"] Pain! I'll make it last forever, your gonna learn how to cry, CRY!
Mat: Well do something, Rand!
Rand: I can't, I'm shielded.
Mat: You can't break through it?
Rand: No, it's solid!
Fred: Solid as a steel blade, and glowing...
Rand: Shut up Fred!
Semi: If I had a hammer...
Perrin: Someone save us!
Semi: ....I'd hammer in the morning...
Thom: Actually, this would be better in high chant.
Semi: .....I'd hammer in the evening.... (walks over to Lan)
Semi: .....All over this Lan!
Lan: AAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

[Just then, a poodle falls from the sky, knocking Semi unconcious.]

Selene: Thanks, DarkHound.
DarkHound: (booming voice from the sky) S'alright. I had to put an end to this nonsense somehow - I've run out of songs. The airstrike poodle is a favourite technique of mine.
Selene: Rand, use the portal stone! It bought us here, it can take us away!
Rand: I dunno if I can...
Selene: Just grip the shaft firmly in both hands and think of me....
Mat: (snicker)
Rand: Shut it. (grabs portal stone) Wait...something's happening....

Flicker, Flicker, Flicker, Flicker, Flicker, Flicker...

Lan: We're back!
Perrin: And look over there! A city!
Rand: It's Rhuidean!
Mat: Waddawe waiting for? Lets hit the town! (runs towards Rhuidean) LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS! MAT "LURVE MACHINE" CAUTHON'S IN TOWN !!
Rand: Oh no. Well, come on let's follow him before he gets into too much trouble.

[They catch Mat up in the Rhuidean square.]

Perrin: What is THAT? (points to a series of glass columns)
Rand: That's it! That's the tattoo machine!
Lan: Wow!
Thom: A feat of amazing architecture and engineering.
Perrin: Look at the size of that thing.
Selene: Mmmm. An incredible erection....
Mat: (snicker) A long, hard, shiny....
Rand: MAT!
Mat: Alright, Alright! She started it (points at Selene, who arches an eyebrow)
Fred: Solid as a steel....
EVERYONE: Shut Up Fred!
Lan: Can we find a bar, first? It's my Stag Party, and all I've had is one drink, for (BLEEP)'s sake.
Rand: I think there's an Inn called the Taveren's Tavern just down near the river.
Perrin: Well, lets go then.

[Just as they set off, Lan suddenly stops dead with a wide eyed expression]

Lan: (turns to his friends) She's back!
Rand: Who?
Lan: Moiraine!

[Just then out of the shadows comes Moiraine at full sprint]

Moraine: YOOOOOUUUU BIIIIIITTTTTCCCHHH !!!!!!!

[She slams into Selene and bundles her through the twisty red doorframe]

Lan: No, she's gone again. (shrugs)
Mat: I thought you couldn't enter the door twice?
Thom: (pointing at the sky) Yeah, but Darkhounds bending the rules for the sake of comedy.
Rand: (under his breath) You call this comedy?

[Suddenly Rand is struck by lightning]

Rand: Ha! That's the best you can do is it?

[Suddenly Rand is struck on the head by a poodle that falls from the sky]

Rand: Oooh, very big of you!

[Suddenly Rand is struck by the futility of existence]

Rand: No, still not scared.

[Suddenly Darkhound decides to alter the ending that originally read "Rand gets to sleep with Selene" to "Rand gets to sleep with Verin"]

Rand: (pauses) All right, I'm sorry. It is funny.

[Just then, a party of three young Aielmen enter the scene.]

Aiel#1: Stwangers! In holy Wuidean! You are all in tho much twubble!
Aiel#2: He's right! hallibutt, Just to be found here in Rhuidean, skate, without the permission of a wise one, cod, is death!, shrimp.
Aiel#3: And der.. der... don't think that because Der..Der..Darkhound has dee... dee... decided to resort to fer... fer.. feeble jokes about sper... sper... speech impediments, that he's rer.... rer... run out of material, either!
Perrin: You realise that you're speaking to the Caracarn?
Aiel#1: The Cawacarn?
Perrin: No, the Caracarn. (turns to camera) Sorry about that joke.
Aiel#2: You expect us, haddock, to believe, hake, that this tattooed wetlander, octopus, is the Caracarn?
Aiel#3: Cer... Cer... Caracarn, Shmer... Schmer.... Schmaracarn!
Rand: I don't think we've got time for this. (rolls up sleeves and shows his dragons) There! Now do you believe us?

[The three Aielmen look at each other, roll up their own sleeves, and reveal identical dragon tattooos on their own arms]

Rand: (looks back at the Crystal Column Ter'Angreal) Oh, I don't (BLEEP)ing believe this ...
Aiel#1: We don't think that you (points at Rand) are the weal Cawacarn. We think it ith ... (pauses) ... YOU! (points at Mat)
Mat: What? Don't be a complete (BLEEP). I am NOT the Caracarn. (folds arms and looks affronted)
Aiel#2: Only the true Caracarn, prawn, would deny that he was the Caracarn, eel.
Mat: What chance does that give me? Alright I am your (BLEEP)ing Caracarn!
Aiel#1: (points in triumph at Mat) He ITH the Cawacarn!
Aiel#2: He IS, dolphin, the Caracarn! whale
Aiel#3: Her...Her..He IS the Cer... Cer... Caracarn!

[Suddenly Aiels#2 and #3 grab Rand]

Aiel#1: We will execute this twubble-maker for imperthonating the Cawacarn!
Mat: Look, if I'm Caracarn, you have to obey me, right?
Aiel#1: I thuppose so.
Mat: Then I order you to release Rand immediately.

[Thom, who has been knuckling his mustache all through, turns away, but his shoulders are shaking]

Aiel#1: Vewy well. (turns to Aiels#2 and #3) Welease Wand!

[Thom's now laying on the floor, slapping his fists in the sand]
Rand: This ain't funny, Thom.
Thom: (in a voice that sounds like crying) No, haah, no you're wight Wand! Oh... a... Heheheh... It's vewy wong! Mmmmm... It's ... It's ... TEWIBBLE! MwaHAHHAH! OH! Aha hehehe. (rolls about kicking his heels)
Lan: (also hiding a smile) I just hope they don't want to know who the Cowamoor is!

[top]

EPISODE 4

The story so far: Our party, consisting of Lan, Thom, Rand, Mat and Perrin have escaped from the WOT musical world beyond the portal stone only to gain Fred Saberhagen, loose Selene, and meet three decidedly strange Aielmen. They still haven't been tattooed!

Mat: (mid conversation with Aielman#1) And so I wriggled my lttle finger at her, and she walked upto me, doing that raising-one-eyebrow thing that they do...
Aiel#1: You're wight! They do waithe one eybwow, don't they?
Mat: ...yeah, and I said to her "If I come make you come with just my little finger, think what I can do with the rest of me!
Aiel#2: You DIDN'T, mackerel?
Mat: I did, and y'know what she did?
Aiel#3: Sner... Sner... Sner.... Sniffed?
Mat: Yes!
Perrin: I always remeber the chat up line I used on Faile that time.
Thom: What was that?
Mat: He went up to her and said "I came here to find a miserable old strop and chew gum.... but I'm all out of gum."
Perrin: I never (BLEEP)ing did. I said "Did you bruise your wings when you fell from Heaven?"
Lan: (mimes putting fingers down his throat) UUUuuugh!
Thom: She certainly bruised something. Her charm, maybe?
Perrin: She's not that bad! She's just.... clingy.
Lan: So are tapeworms, I've heard.
Mat: Yeah, and they're a pain in the ass too!
Perrin: Well, if you're gonna be like that... (storms off on his own)
Rand: I just wish I knew where Selene has got to.
Thom: Why's that, my boy?
Rand: Hmm? Er... curiosity, that's all. Just wondering, and that. (blush)
Lan: Now there's a fine woman
Fred: Solid as....
Everyone: SHUTTUP, FRED!
Thom: Yes indeed. Why, I'd give myself to Lanfear just for a night with Selene.
Rand: Y'know there's something very odd about that sentence.
Lan: Yes, Darkhound thought he'd try a joke based on irony, rather than innuendo.
Aiel#1: Iwony! Iwony! Ahahaha! Vewy good, yeth.
Aiel#2: The irony of that statement, herring, is that he doesn't know what irony is, tuna.
Mat: If I could have Selene for a night, I'd do it rodeo style!
Aiel#1: Wodeo style?
Mat: Yeah. They get down on all fours, and you grab'em from behind. Take a firm hold of their breasts, then say "Ooh, they're not as firm as your sister's!" Then hang-on for dear life!

[Everyone falls about laughing.]

Selene: (suddenly appearing from the shadows) And you think you'd wake up in the same bed as your dangly bits? (raises one eyebrow, sniffs, and would have tugged her braid, had she got one.)
Mat: Selene! I was... that is... I didn't... PERRIN, WAIT FOR ME! (displays proof of the ONE and only thing men know about woman for certain - when it's a good time to run away from them)
Rand: Selene! Your back!
Selene: What about it? (looking over her shoulder)
Rand: No, I meant: You are back! as in you have returned!
Aiel#1: Well, Hewo there my pwitty one.
Aiel#2: Now, I would love to drink your bathwater, sprat!
Aiel#3: Wer... Wer... Where her.. her.. her.. have you ber... ber... been all mer.. mer... my ler... ler... life?

[Selene doesn't raise an eyebrow, instead she points at it as if to say "I'm not gonna waste a perfectly good eyebrow raise on the likes of you]

Rand: Selene, Where have you been?
Selene: To *finnland!
Rand: What, the country east of Sweden? (snorts)
All men: (snort) (except Fred who says "Solid.")
Aiel#1: (demonstrating the manly art of stretching a poor joke even thinner) You mean the countwy to the north west of Wussia?
Selene: (looks around puzzled) What's that noise? I know, it's the sound of my sides splitting apart with mirth, that's what it is. (Heavy Sarcasm)
Lan: (leans over to Rand) Darkhounds really on top of this episode. That's sarcasm and irony in one post, plus he's got Selene back for the innuendo, got rid of Perrin for a while because he's dull, and Mat will probably get in some sort of trouble ready for next episode! Any minute now, he'll make Fred say "Solid" just for the sake of it....
Fred: Solid...
Lan: .....told you! Shut up Fred.
Selene: Anyway, that blonde phsycho dwarf woman bundled me into that doorway, and we fought, but the foxes came along and seperated us. For some reason, they didn't want to savour my experiences, something about "not wanting to know any part of a mind created by Darkhound" whatever that means. So, I came here! To be with my most favourite, hunkiest, sexiest, man.
Rand: (blush) Aw, gee Selene, you're not so bad yourself!
Selene: Don't flatter y'self, loser. I'm talking about Fred.
Rand: FRED?
Lan: FRED?
Thom: FRED?
Aiel#1: FWED?
Aiel#2: FRED, LOBSTER?
Aiel#3: Fer.. Fer... Fer... FRED?
Fred: ME?
Selene: Yes, Fred!
Rand: But why, Selene?
Selene: I'll show you! (she walks up to Fred, and puts a hand on his crutch) Now, that IS solid as a steel blade. And I'm sure it'll leave me glowing with true magic! Come on Freddy baby, let's get out of this post!
Fred: See ya guys. Binalot of fun.
Rand: Yeah, solid.

[long pause]

Lan: But this doesn't explain what happened to Moraine......

Meanwhile:

*finn#1: Go on, do it again.
Moraine: No.
*finn#1: Oh please, please, please, please.....
*finn#2: Yeah, please, please, please, please....
Moraine: ALRIGHT ALREADY! (mutters) Of all the things an Aes Sedai has to put up with... Okay, watch now. This is the last time, and then I really have to go.

[She channels and music starts up in the background. Some words are being sung, but no one can make out the strang gutteral language. Moraine is moving very strangely, extending her left arm, then her right, then touching her shoulders, then her hips, all the while the gibberish and the music reaches a crescendo....]

All *finns: HEY, MACARENA!
[Moraine leaps in the air and turns 90 degrees to start over again]
Moraine: (to herself) So at least I've learnt why you mustn't make music here.

Back to rhuidean.....Mat runs into the camp

Mat: COME QUICK, IT'S PERRIN!
Rand: What's he done?
Mat: No time! Quickly, follow me!

[They oblige him. He leads them to the crystal columns, and points. In the centre, the shaggy form of Perrin can just be seen]

Thom: Light, someone help him!
Rand: I'll go, I've been in before. I know I'm safe!
Lan: Quickly Rand!

[Rand passed into the columns. Time passes, as time has a habit of doing if you don't keep an eye on the bugger. Eventually Rand appears, dragging Perrin behind him.]

Rand: (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP) of a son of a (BLEEP)!
Mat: What's a matter, Rand?
Rand: Look at this! Look at it!

[He holds up his fists. Across one knuckle is written "L O V E". Across the other is written "H A T" Mat: Love and ......hat?]

Rand: One more minute! Just one more minute, and it would of been fine. But Perrin wouldn't have survived!
Perrin: (looks down his shirt) Oh light no. Oh creator help me. Oh (BLEEEEEEP) IT!
Mat: Wassamatta?
Perrin: Look. (rips open shirt)

[On Perrin's chest is tattooed a large pink heart with a single phrase inside The phrase reads "BERELAIN 4 EVER"]

Mat: Oh boy.... (chuckle) are YOU in the brown stuff!

[top]

EPSIODE 5

Lan, Rand, Mat, Perrin, Thom, and three Aielmen are still in Rhuidean, and are still drinking. Selene has run off with Fred Saberhagen. Beyond the portal stone the musical WOT world still waited, and in *finnland, Moraine is alive and well and teaching the *finns how to Macarena. Perrin has been tattooed, but got more than he bargained for. And Rand, well he's just a little madder than usual that's all.

About the author: Darkhound aka Cecil Theobald Lazarus Bicarbonate Dave Podium was born in the circus, his father a Ringmaster, his mother a Sword-Swallower. Trained as a circus clown, he forsook the big top and run off to join some accountants. There he gained a love for accruing, depreciating, rounding, and most of all, ledgers. He began writing on a tuesday teatime two years ago whilst sitting on the toilet and hasn't stopped since, not even for number two's. Cecil says that writing is the most fun thing you can do with a sharp pencil and a lot of toilet paper. His favourite word is "Pamphlet".

Perrin: Help me Rand! Do something with the power! (wriggles his fingers and makes a spooky face)
Rand: I hate that, I really do.
Mat: Hate what, Rand?
Rand: People that wriggle their fingers, scrunch up their face and go "maaaaaa-jick!"all mysteriously. I mean, have you ever seen me or any one else for that matter, do this when we channel? Have you?
Mat: No, but I remember you pulled that Rabbit out of Min's.....
Rand: MAT! If you breathe one word of it....
Mat: My lips are sealed, Rand.
Rand: Good.
Mat: Mind you, her lips wer....
Rand: MAT! Once more and I swear I'll melt your earwax till it runs out in luminous green streams!
Perrin: Erm, hello? What about me? If Faile sees this, Rand, Tarmon Gaidon is the least of your troubles.
Rand: (examining the tattoo) Well, we can't remove it, it's too large. We'll have to change it.
Thom: Maybe there's something in the old tongue that will look like it.
Lan: You any good with the old tongue, Thom?
Thom: Morgase thought so.
Lan: No, I meant.... forget it. I don't want to have the conversation.
Aiel#1: (looking around nervously) Erm, thomethingth not wight here.
Aiel#2: Yeah, salmon, something smells a bit.... fishy, cod.
Aiel#3: It fer... fer... fer... feels like der... der... der.. danger!
Lan: Y'know, now you mention it....

[just then a party of Trollocs come screaming into the valley]

Lan: Brace yerselves, here comes trouble!
Aiel#1: Twollocth !
Lan: It's true, I tell you!
Aiel#1: Erm... No, I meant Twollocth, ath in "Here comthe Twollocth" ath in more than one Twolloc, as in lotsth of Twollocth.
Lan: It's worse than that, it's..... light no..... it's a Trolloc Hen Party!

[Fortunately Lan posseses a sense of Shadow Sworn so accute, that he can tell the sex of the trollocs without needing closer examination Telling the gender of a trolloc is not an exact science in that due to the mixing with animal stock, if you look down the front of the Y-fronts, you might just find a horn. Then again, look down the front of my Y-fronts any time and you'll find a horn....]

Everyone: GET ON WITH IT DARKHOUND!

[....yeah, alright, alright. Anyway, female trollocs are essentially the same as male trollocs, but they don't leave the seat up on the toilet, and they own lots more shoes]

Trollocette#1: OOh hooh, boyth! Hewo boyth!
Trollocette#2: Hey, warm ripe men, shrimp. Lots of 'em! prawn
Trollocette#3: Ger... ger.. get your ber... ber... ber... bits out for the ler... ler... ladies!

[Lan looks up at the sky]

Lan: This is terrible Darkhound. Couldn't you think of any better way to get rid of the Aielmen?
Darkhound: Yeah, but then I won't be able to do my joke where the Aielman wake up next to them in the morning and I say "Oh well, we've all woken up next to a trolloc in our time"
Lan: And do you know what The Great Mistress of the Dark would do to you if you try that joke?

[(pause) (sweat) (tremble)]

Darkhound: I guess you're right.

[balefires the trollocs so that they never actually arrived]

Perrin: Do you mind? What about my tattoo?
Lan: Sorry, we were nearly caught by the Trollocs.
Thom: Sounds painful.
Perrin: What Trollocs?
Lan: Trollocs? Where?
Rand: Look, I think we all understand the effects of balefire, Darkhound. Now will you get on with it?

[A poodle falls from the sky onto Rand's head]

Rand: Stroppy Mutt....
Mat: I've got it! (whispers into Rand ear)
Rand: Y'know, that might just work.... (channels)

[Perrins tattoo begins to change. When Rand is finished it reads "Bela reigns 4 ever"]

Perrin: I could make this work! I've always been fond of Bela, y'know. She'll think I'm just stating my appreciation for Bela! Mat, Rand, I could kiss you guys!
Rand: Only if you want black eyes instead of golden ones....
Mat: No offense, Perrin, but I never kiss people with beards.
Thom: Except that wench in that tavern in Tear.
Mat: Except her, yes.
Lan: Well, if we're all done here, I for one, am not nearly as drunk as I'd like to be.
Rand: Queens Colon?
Lan: Yes Siree!

[Rand weaves a gateway. A horizontal one]

Meanwhile.....

Moraine: [singing] one hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer, and if one of those bottles should happen to fall....
*finns: [singing] THERE'LL BE NINETY-NINE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL!
Moraine: ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer....

Meanwhile....

Nynaeve: (tug) Well, I say we go look for them (tug)
Elayne: No it's wrong Nyn. There just out having fun. If we turn up at the Queens Colon, we'll be as popular as a ginger step-son.
Nynaeve: (sniff) I just know they're getting themselves in trouble, Elayne. The kind of trouble only men can get themselves into (tug) (sniff)
Birgitte: You've got to trust them Nynaeve. You're marrying Lan, after all. Marriage is based on trust.

[from the doorway, a new voice enters the fray]

Faile: Trust? No man can be trusted.
Elayne: Faile? What are you doing here?
Faile: Well, I knew that at least Nynaeve would be concerned about letting men out on their own without us there to keep them out of trouble. Right Nynaeve?
Nynaeve: (sniff) Absolutely. I was just saying that very thing (tug) (sniff) (tug)
Faile: There you go then. Why, just the other day, I was out with Perrin and a woman walked by. Y'know what he did?
Elayne: What?
Faile: He... He didn't look at her! The (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)er.
Nynaeve: (big sniff) Typical.... (tug) (tug) (hard tug)
Elayne: I'm not sure I understand....
Faile: It's obvious, you Andoran sop. He didn't look at her, so he must of been THINKING about her.
Nynaeve: (tug) Or perhaps he already knew what she looked like. Knew very well, most likely! (sniff)
Elayne: (to Birgitte, softly) I think these two are beyond help, y'know.
Birgitte: (to Elayne, softer still) Yeah, I'm hoping RJ will give them a painful death in PoD.

[Elayne and Birgitte descend into helpless giggles. Faile and Nynaeve look at them with simultaneously raised eyebrows]

Meanwhile.....

Masema: And you're sure about this Ragan?
Ragan: Absolutely holy one. Our spy says that the Lord Dragon had "Love" and "Hat" across his knuckles.
Masema: It can only mean one thing.
Ragan: What, Holy One?
Masema: That the Lord Dragon loves hats, you numbskull! Issue a proclamation, Ragan.
Ragan: And what shall it say, Holy One?
Masema: That any head spotted in Gheladan without a hat on it.... shall be removed from the body it was attached to!
Ragan. (gulp) Right you are, Holy One.
Masema: Of course I'm right, Ragan. And Ragan?
Ragan: Holy One?
Masema: Get me a hat, before I have to cut my own head off. You too.
Ragan: Any preference, Holy One?
Masema: Anything but them stupid felt hats from Tanchico. I don't know what RJ was thinking of when he came up with them.....
Ragan: Very well, most Holy. I'll get you a red one, Holy One. It'll match your eyes.

Meanwhile...

[In the Queens Colon tavern,]

Man#1: It's true I tell you.
Man#2: What, earlier on today?
Man#1: S'what they say. Two men, sitting here like us, drinking "Leg Shortener" and suddenly PHWITT! Leg's considerably shorter on account of being sliced off at the knee
Man#2: PHWITT?
Man#1: That's the noise, alright. Then this shimmering appeared just above the floor, and a load of guys leapt through it, and it disappeared.
Man#2: Well, thank the light we're drinking "Strangely Brown's cold filtered Head Remover" then.
Man#1: Thank the light indeed. What's that noise?
Man#2: Sound's like a PHWITT, if you ask me.
Man#1: Y'right. It's a PHWIT if ever I heard one. [turns to Man#2] Oh (BLEEEEEP)
Man#2: (BLEEEEEEP)

[The tavern is filled with a noise like "PHWITT". Then: "THUD,THUD". A gateway appears at neck height, and out of it fall five men, carried through the horizontal gateway by gravity....]

Gravity: Yeah, don't mind me, will you. Muggins here will just make things fall from the sky, which isn't easy at all, by the way, and everyone just takes me for granted, oh yes, "what goes up must come down" they say, well one day it bloody well won't let me tell you, thing's will go up and they'll just bloody have to stay up there, they will, then we'll see you get's taken for granted, oh yes, they'll.....

Mat: (shouting) LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS...
Rand: Just for once, Mat, it would be nice if you just said "Oh this is quaint. Anyone fancy a pint?"
Mat: And then the sun will freeze over, the Dark One will open a restaurant, and Perrin will be an exciting character.
Perrin: I heard that....
Lan: (picking up two severed heads) Look's like there was trouble.
Thom: (nodding) Earlier, two men lost their legs below the knee, so I heard.
Lan: Good job we've got Rand here then. He can make a gateway if things get rough....

Just then, the door to the tavern flies open....

Lan: Oh light no....
Perrin: My life is over...
Mat: Well that's this evening over and done with....

Nynaeve: Lan! Get your Malkeiri butt over here this minute, you stupid lug. (tug) (sniff)
Lan: (resigned tone) Yes dear.
Faile: Perrin! Get here now, farmboy, before I spank you in front of all your friends!
Perrin: (defeated tone) Of course, light of my life.
Nynaeve: You're drunk! You disgust me, Lan. Drinking on your stag night, whatever next? And what are these heads on the floor? You been fighting? Why, if I had a big stick, I'd thump your wooly head until you saw the pointlessness of violence....
Mat: (in a very, very, low whisper to Rand) Whatever you do, don't mention Selene, Rand.
Rand: (nods)
Faile: Selene? Selene? Who's Selene? Perrin, do you want to tell me about Selene before I rip off your beard and use it to scrub my boots? I suppose she's prettier than me, hmmm? Had a good look did you?

[Thom, Rand, and Mat make their way slowly to the exit, in the knowledge that for Lan and Perrin at least, the fun has stopped]

Faile: And another thing....
Nynaeve: ...I'll tell you, and if you so much as think of....
Perrin: .....yes, dear..... no, dear .....of course, dear....
Faile: ....and if you don't know what you've done wrong, I'm not going to tell you.....
Lan: ....yes, my love .....yes, but.... yes, but you.... yes, love...
Nynaeve: .....always leave the seat up on the toilet.......
Faile: ......squeeze the toothpaste in the middle.....
Nynaeve: ......always leave your socks on the floor....
Faile: ...wouldn't hurt to pay a bit more attention to me.....
Lan: ...yes, dear....
Perrin: ...absolutely dear....

Outside...

Rand: I'll tell you, I'm NEVER getting married, whatever happens.
Thom: You and me both, Rand.
Mat: Make that three. Mind you, not much chance of old Mat "one night stand" Cauthon settling down, no siree.
Daughter of the nine moons: Really Matrim?
Mat: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!

[top]

EPISODE 6

Authors note: Originally Stag Party ended here, but due to requests (and threats) the series has been extended. In order to do this, I have had to seek out a world where the party is still going strong.....

At a portal stone in a world where the stag party is still going strong

Flicker, Flicker, Flicker, Flicker..... all the flickers stop and waited as for the fifth flicker, who as usual, was late.

Flickers 1 through 4: Come on for (bleep)s sake!
Flicker 5: Sorry guys, I was working on my lines.
Flickers 1 through 4: It's hardly difficult. You just have to "Flicker"
Flicker 5: I know, but I thought I'd try and add some emotion to the role. Y'know, add a little bit of "me" to it.
Flickers 1 through 4: (sigh) Go on then.
Flicker 5 went down on one knee. It put one hand on it's hip, and one in the air. Closing his eyes, he trembled slightly, then opened them and yelled at the heavens: OH.... FERLICKER!! Flickers 1 through 4 shake their heads and walk off muttering
Flicker 5: What did you think guys? Guys? Hey wait for me...

Darkhound appeared at the portal stone. It was the correct world, he was sure. Everything here was the same as Stag Party episodes 1 to 5, with the exception that the lads were still together and partying strong. Or so he thought..... suddenly he heard a noise like a helicopter, and a military drum beat played in the air. A narrator piped up, in a dramatic american accent.....

Narrator: In the age of legends, a team of crack commando Aes Sedai were imprisoned in Shayol Ghul for a crime they did not commit. But they escaped. Now, if you have a problem with which no-one else can help, if you can find them..... Maybe you can hire..... THE F-TEAM !!!! (cue music)

Darkhound: Oh light, not a world where the Forsaken are represented in the style of the A-team. (shakes head) This episode will be so predictable....

Lan, Mat, Thom, Rand & Perrin are down at the King's Kidney (not the Queen's Colon, where the women are), where Mat and Thom are providing some impromptu entertainment.

Thom: (strums his lute) Take it away, Mat!
Mat: Girl, I've been watching you.... (sings to Sara the cross-eyed waitress)
Mat: .... and I think you're really sweat.....
Thom: (strum) (strum) Oh yeah..
Mat: .... As long as I have got a face.... (nods to Sara)
Mat: .... You'll always have a seat..... (winks at Sara, who blushes)
Thom: (strum) (ster-rum) kicking, bro'...
Rand: (in conversation to Lan and Perrin) And then Min told me about the vision she had of me.
Lan: What did she see?
Rand: She saw me standing at a fork in a road. Down one fork, I died horribly. Down another, I was captured by the shadow and screamed for eternity in hopeless agony. Down a third fork, I lived, but I had to work for someone called Bill Gates.
Perrin: Horrible death's not so bad, Rand.
Lan: And an eternity of agony, well, you could cope with that.
Perrin: What will you do?
Rand: (thinks for a minute, then slaps his hand on the counter) I know, I'll get another round in!
Perrin and Lan: Hurrah!
Thom: (strum)(ster-rum) I bad. Yes I are.
Mat: (still singing) I love the way you pick your nose...
Rand: (handing flagons of "Deathwish" to his mates) And then Min said she knew of a woman who loved me totally and wanted to make hot love with me.
Perrin: Who?
Mat: ....the way you make bad smells....
Thom: (strum ) (ster-rum ) Oh, daddio.
Rand: She wouldn't say. She would only give me these really cryptic clues.
Lan: What clues?
Rand: Apparently, this woman hails from Baerlon, she's Min's height, has hair and eyes like Min's, and her name starts with "M". Also, her name rhymes with "Pin".
Mat: ..... the way your swollen sore's weep slime....
Thom: (strum) (ster-rum) somebody stop me!
Lan: (counts off on fingers) She looks a lot like Min?
Rand: (nods)
Lan: She's from Baerlon?
Rand: Yep.
Lan: Her name starts with "M"?
Rand: S'what she said.
Lan: and rhymes with "Pin"
Rand: S'right.
Thom: (strum) (ster-rum ) smokin'
Mat: .... You make my love plums swell....
Lan: Rand, you woolhead!! Don't you see what she meant?
Rand: (vacant stare) What?
Lan: Somewhere in Baerlon, there's another woman called Min !! And she must be a real looker too, coz she looks like our Min!
Rand: (slaps forehead) How could I have missed it !!

Just then, the doors to the inn crash inwards. Or innwards, if you like. Five men and a woman walk in, and stand just inside the door.

Lan: What the (bleep) ?

One, with flaming eyes and mouth, smoked a cigar, and looked around the room with a grin. He stepped forward. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm General Hannibal Ba'alzamon. This..." he pointed to a man-mountain covered in expensive jewellery with a hooked nose, ".... is Mr D. We call him Bad Attitude." He pointed to a wide eyed man who seemed to be muttering to himself. "This is howling - mad Aginor. He's crazy, but he's the best damn sho-wing pilot I've seen!" He points to a the man to his side who was busy talking to the woman. "This is Rhavin, or Face, as we call him because of his looks And the woman, well, she's here to give Face someone to slobber over. She's called Selene."

Rand: Selene?
Selene: (waves excitedly, and smiles) Hi Rand!
Rand: You in this episode?
Selene: Yep. I'm the token female. You know, the one that tags along with the A-team without actually doing much?
Rand: Oh. How's Fred?
Selene: He's solid, Rand.
Hannibal Ba'alzamon: When you two are quite finished....
Mr D: (steps forward) SHUDDUP FOOL!
Hann/Baa: Thaks Mr D. Why don't you go and throw some people through the air in slow motion.
Mr D: GRRRRR!
Aginor: Ha HA! Captain Kirk stole my chickens! Wooo! Woooo! Fnaaaa Fnaaaaaa! Mother?
Hann/Baa: (nodding at Howling Mad Aginor) Just his way of showing you he's crazy.
Lan: What do you want?
Han/Baa: We've been hired to track you down and terminate you're fun. The party's over.
Lan: Who hired you?
Han/Baa: Dunno her name. Scariest damn woman I ever saw though. Kept tugging her braid and sniffing. All the time, tug, sniff, tug, sniff. Scary stuff man. (shivers)
Lan: (turns to Rand) Nynaeve!
Rand: (nods)
Hann/Baa: I thought I would have trouble, but here you all are, drunk as lords, waiting for me to round you all up...

[the Inn waits expectantly for the next line]

Hann/Baa: .... I love it when a plan comes together !!! (puffs cigar to polite applause from the inn)
Perrin: (whispers to Lan and Rand) We're in trouble boys. Big trouble.
Rand: Relax, Perrin. In all those episodes of the A-team, no-one EVER got shot, let alone killed. The worst that can happen is Mr D might throw you in slow motion !

[top]

EPISODE 7

The story sofa. Whoops, I meant story so far. Obviously a story sofa is what Robert Jordan sits on. Now, Lan's party, you know who they are by now, have had their entertainments at the Kings Kidney cut short by the arrival of the F-Team, hired by Nynaeve to cut short the fun....

Mat: Look you guys, whatever Nynaeve is paying you, we'll double it.
Hannibal Ba'alzamon: I doubt it.
Mat: Why?
Han/Baa: She's not paying in cash. She's paying with her soul....
Mat: No problem. (puts his boots up on the table) You can have both of mine!
Mr D: SHUDDUP FOOL!
Han/Baa: Thanks, Mr D, but I can handle this. No, Cauthon, her soul, not her sole.
Lan: Nynaeve has gone over to the dark?
Han/Baa: (evil chortle) Yes, warder. She has seen that only the dark can offer her a world of eternal suffering, misery, and no fun at all. What she wanted all along, as it turns out.
Mad Aginor: ooohooohooo We like the music! We like the disco dance, hey!
Mr D: SHUDDUP FOOL!
Han/Baa: And now, you will all accompany me.
Perrin: Where are we going?
Han/Baa: To a place of terrible coldness, darkness, and inhospitableness.
Perrin: Faile's skirt?
Han/Baa: No, Shayol Ghul. Although I see your point.
Mat: Ha! We are going nowhere, foul shadowspawn! We are in mid PAAAAAARTEEEY!

[Ba'Alzamon channels at Mat. Mat's medallion grows cold, and he grins. Ba'alzamon see's his flows dissolve.]

Mat: Wanna try that again? (he picks up his beer, and lets his medallion fall into it)
Han/Baa: Why you little..... (channels again)

[The flows disolve, and Mat's medallion chills his beer for him. Mat takes a sip.]

Mat: Aaaah! Cold filtered! (smacks lips)

[Just then, a doorway opens up, and Shaft steps out]

Shaft: (to Mat) I just wanted to shake your hand my bro'. That is possibly THE coolest thing I have ever seen.
Mat: Thanks Shaft.
Shaft: I gotta go. There's a patch of fertile soil not far from here.
Mat: Sorry?
Shaft: I'm gonna dig it!. (leaves through the gateway, which winks out)

[Suddenly another Gateway appears. From it emerges ArchAngel]

Arch: Look, (wink), if there's any (wink)ing to be done, even if it's (wink)ing out, I'll be doing it, alright (wink)?

[He leaves it through the gateway, which promptly (winks) out]

Rand: (to Lan) Darkhounds trying to get all the characters he promised a bit part into one episode.
Lan: Yeah, that gives him an opportunity to do the following joke.

[Lan turns to a famous man eating soup in the corner]

Lan: Hey, you want a cameo role?
famous Man: No thanks, the soup's fine as it is.
Rand: (holds his head) I don't believe that. That was awful, even by his standards.
Han/Baa: Erm... Hello? Remember us? We are quite a serious threat you know.
Thom: Look, you know what's going to happen lads.
Han/Baa: We do?
Thom: Sure. We'll fight, and we'll win. We'll lock you up in a shed in which we've conveniently left a lot of sheet metal, ammunition, engine parts, and power tools in. You'll build a tank, and escape.
Han/baa: Your point?
Thom: Well, we could go through all that nonsense, or....
Han/baa: or what?
Thom: .... or we could get disgustingly drunk together!
Howling Mad Aginor: Wardrobe! Menagery kingdom, I want to party, boss, OOOO hahahahah,
Mr D: SHUD...wait a minute.... HEY HANNIBAL. THE MAN GOT A POINT. GRRRR. LETS DRINK, FOO...ER BOSS.
Han/Baa: Well, I don't know.... Face, what do you think?
Face/Rhavin: Don't ask me. I haven't got a personality, I can't fight, all I do is pull the birds. I'm useful at parties, though.
Hann/Baa: Mmmmm. Well.... I suppose we could have just the one.
Mr D: HURRAY! GRRRRR!
Howling Mad Aginor: FaLaLaFaLaLa Excellent. Party on! DimberlyDimberly Rhubarb, Mother?
Face: Mines a large one!
Selene: (arches an eyebrow) Really, Face? You know how I just luuurve a large one...

Meanwhile, in *finnland.

Moraine: Oh for (bleep)s sake. It's sooooo easy! Why can't you get it? Hmmm?

[a couple of hundered *finns look shame faced]

Moraine: It's important that you lift your left leg in the air, but replace it back on the floor BEFORE you lift your right leg up. Otherwise, the Can-Can is a very bad idea. Ok lets try. (music starts)

[A couple of hundered *finns left their left legs, then their right legs, and fall flat on their butts]

Moraine: (covers her eyes with her hands) Oh please, light, what have I done to deserve this? Give me that Al'thor boy anytime....

Meanwhile, outside Shayol Ghul....

Nynaeve: ( sniff ) tug ) Unbelievable! (BLEEP)ing Dark One. Did you here what he said to me? Did you?
Faile: Of course. I was there, don't forget. You shouldn't have told him to stop shouting. He IS a god-like entity after all.
Nynaeve: (sniff) God or not, I won't have some woolheaded male shout at me! Who does he think he is with his WOULD THOU BE NAEBLIS, NYNAEVE? and his HOW FARES THIS WORLD, NYNAEVE?. (tug) If I had a stick......
Faile: Well, at least he gave you your soul back.
Nynaeve: (tug) Ha! Begged me to take it back more like! (sniff) You heard him.

[shimmering waves, like on TV when they want to show you a flashback]

DO: PLEASE NYNAEVE, TAKE IT BACK. I DON'T WANT IT, REALLY, I DON'T. THE CREATOR'S WELCOME TO IT. BLIMEY, I'M TOO OLD FOR ALL THIS. I WAS QUITE HAPPY IN MY PRISON, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, WHEN (BANG) SUDDENLY THERE'S A BORE, AND SOME WOMAN MAKING DEMANDS! NO WONDER THAT POOR BEIDOMON CHAP WANTED TO STAY DOWN HERE WITH ME, IF HE HAD TO PUT UP WITH WORKING WITH HER. MEIRIN, HER NAME WAS. NICE LEGS, BUT HER TONGUE COULD MAKE EVEN ME WINCE. NOT LIKE IT WAS IN THE OLD DAYS, NO SIREE. WHY, MY COUSIN SAURON WAS TELLING ME THAT IN THE OLD DAYS A DARK LORDS WORD WAS LAW, THAT EVERYONE FEARED HIM AND COWERED IN HIS PRESENCE AND.......

Meanwhile, back at the Kings Kidney....

Rand: And so I said to Taim, "Make me weapons Taim." and he did! He taught them nutters how to fight with the power! (roars with laughter) And he thinks I don't know about him being turned by thirteen fades! Oooh, Ha HAHAHA. (wheeze) He thinks.... oooh... he thinks I believe that those stupid ventriloquist voices he does in my head are actually Lews Therin! (rolling around) Oh dear... (wipes tears) And, wait till you here this, he tries to make me think he is Demandred! MWA HA HA HO HEE HEE.
Mr D: WHERE HE AT? I'LL KILL HIM. I'LL BUST HIM UP REAL BAD. GRRRRRR. FOOL!

[top]

EPISODE 8

The story so far: Lan, Mat, Perrin, Rand and Thom have joined up with the F-Team, a band of mercenary Forsaken hired by Nynaeve, for a serious drinking session at the "King's Kidney" tavern. Moraine is still teaching the *finns about the magic of song and dance, and the Dark One himself has rejected Nyneave's soul, her payment for the services of the F-Team. After all, he's dark, but not that dark...

The wheel of time turns, and the ages come and go. The present turns to legend, legend fades to myth, and myth is long forgotten by the time it comes around again. A wind sprung up in the mountains of Kinslayers dagger, blowing south and rattling the faded wooden sign of the "King's Kidney" Tavern. When no-one payed it any attention, it rattled it a bit harder, until a young man in a wide brimmed hat and fox medallion stuck his head out the door and shouted "sod off!" It was not the beginning, for there are no beginnings to the wheel, but it was a beginning....

Authors note: Actually, there is a beginning to the wheel. It is written in The lost book of Cecil : "And the Creator did decided to make the Wheel, he said "Let there be Wheel" and there was a Wheel, and so happy he was with his own cleverness, he did dance a jig and dropped the Wheel, breaking it. And the Creator did say "Bugger it!" and did call forth the holy glue** and did fix the Wheel, so that only a teeny weeny little crack could be seen".....

**(Sticky Steve's "EternoStick" - the choice of the discerning deity.)

Where was I? Oh yeah....

Rand: (to Mat, who was looking out into the street through the door) Mat, close that (BLEEP)ing door! It's cold out there!
Mat: Sorry Rand. Hey, that wind is back. Y'know, that "beginning" wind that turns up every new book.
Rand: Well, it can just blow off, cause I ain't available for Path of Daggers till Autumn!
Mat: (snigger) You said "blow off"!!
Rand: (mutters under his breath) It's gonna be that kind of episode, is it?
Thom: Barman! Barman! Ten flagons of "Curious Colin's Colonic Cleaning Kit", if you please.

[Perrin whispers to Thom]

Thom: ... and a packet of grolm-and-onion flavoured potato chips as well.

[Mr D whispers to Thom, ie the whole tavern hears it]

Thom: .... and a snickers bar.

[Selene whispers to Thom, whose cheeks flush red]

Thom: .... and a packet of... (looks to Selene who nods)... a packet of salted nuts.
Mat: (snicker) (snicker) (snicker) Hey Selene... if you wanted salty nuts....
Rand: MAT! Don't even think about it. (he looks at Perrin, who is busy with large cardboard squares, and a set of crayons) Perrin, what ARE you doing?
Perrin: Well Rand, sooner or later, with this many guys getting drunk in a bar, there's gonna be a brawl, right?
Rand: I guess so....
Perrin: Well, I thought I'd write out some fight noises on these cards, you know, like in the old sixties Batman series, to save Darkhound having to do it.
Rand: Good idea, Perrin! What you got so far?
Perrin: Well, I've got "Thwack!", "Kerrunch!", "Boom!", "Smack!", "Thud!", "Kerrrack!", "Bosh!" and "Twat!"
Lan: Perrin, you can't use "Twat!". It's.... it's just not proper.
Perrin: Well, what then?
Mat: "Plonk!" ?
Lan: Nah.
Rand: "Clod!" ?
Lan: Nope.
Thom: "Thwang!" ?
Lan: No, don't think so. Sounds like the noise an elastic band would make....

[authors note: You have just experienced foreshadowing. Don't be alarmed...]

Selene: "Thong!" ?
Lan: (reddens) No, thank you Selene.
Selene: "Dong!" then, or "Flap!" or "Slap!" or "Grunt!" or "Ooooh!" or "Aaaaah!" or ....
Face: Hey baby, I think they get the idea....
Lan: Yes, (gulp) thanks Selene, but there not really suitable.
Barman: If I may make a suggestion, sir?
Lan: Go on.
Barman: Well, how about "Plap!"
Lan: I like it! "Plap!" Yes, good one. Well done, my man.
Barman: Well sir, I can't take the credit, not really. See, Darkhound invented the word, and wanted to use it in a story, and I didn't have many lines in this episode, so he said I could contribute with "Plap!"
Lan: Yes well.... Well done, anyway.

Meanwhile.....

Flicker, Flicker, Flicker, Flicker, Plop (there's always one, isn't there?)

Faile: Nynaeve, where are we?
Nynaeve: London, England. Victorian London, to be precise. Ah here it is. Baker Street! (sniff)
Faile: What are we doing here?
Nynaeve: Looking for a man who help us track down Lan. (tug)
Faile: A man? Help us? Ha!
Nynaeve: I know, I know. (sniff) But this one really can help us. He's the greatest detective that ever was created. (sniff) ( tug )

[They stopped before a door, and entered. Inside were two well dressed gentleman, smoking pipes, looking at pocket watches, and doing other old gentlemanly things.]

Sherlock: Aaah. You two beautiful ladies must be Nynaeve and Faile.
Faile: You trying to be funny?
Dr Watson: Amazing, Holmes! How on earth did you know that?
Sherlock: (sighs) They had an appointment, Watson.
Dr Watson: Amazing thing!
Nynaeve: Look, we want to hire you.
Sherlock: I'm high enough as it is, thankyou.
Nynaeve: (sniff) No, "hire" not "higher", as in employ you, as in rent your services. (sniff)
Sherlock: Aaah, I see.
Dr Watson: Amazing, Holmes!
Sherlock: Shut up Watson. Now then ladies, what can I do for you?
Nynaeve: We wish you to track down a Malkeiri warder by the name of Lan. I have reason to believe he might be..... having fun. (tug) (tug) (tug) (tug)
Faile: (gasp) Don't say those words, Nynaeve! Why, when I think my Perrin might be having "fun" also.... (sniff)
Sherlock: You want me to find him and bring his fun to an end?
Nynave: No, that's my job. (sniff) You just need to find him. (tug)
Sherlock: Simple. They're at a tavern called the "King's Kidney", in Caemlyn. Having a bar-brawl, actually.
Faile and Nynaeve: Fighting! Why we oughta.... (sniff)
Dr Watson: Unbelievable, Holmes! How could you have known!
Sherlock: Elementary, my dear Watson. I scrolled down to then end of this post, and had a look.
Dr Watson: Holmes, you're a genius! (pause) And I find you strangely attractive.
Nynaeve: (sniff) Come on Faile! We've got them now! (tug)

[The ladies depart hurredly, leaving Holmes and Watson alone]

Sherlock: Well, typical! I didn't even get paid. (looks at Watson) So, you find me attractive, Watson?
Dr Watson: Incredible, Holmes! How could.....
Shelock: (bored tone) You just told me, Watson. (stands up, and makes his way to the bed chamber) I'll be in here, Watson, bending over. Come and do something interesting with a piece of citrus fruit.
Dr Watson: What do you mean, Holmes?
Holmes: Lemon-entry, my dear Watson.

Meanwhile, back at the King's Kidney.

[Just then, on the stage in the corner where Thom had performed, a group of pale, emaciated, teenaged boys with long greasy black-died hair, and various interesting piercings began their sound check...]

Thom: Dear spirits, what in the light are they?
Barman: Ah, my nephew William, sir. He and his friends have formed a band, and I said they could do a gig here. (lowers his tone) They're Guths, you know.
William: (from the stage, in an oscillating voice) That's "Goth's", uncle. As in Gothic Rock....
Lan: Gothic Rock? Isn't that what Shayol Ghul's built on? (laughs)

[The stag party fall about laughing]

Willaim: Yes, very funny. (under his breath) Bloody adults. They just don't understand. Life's sounfair. I don't care. I'm gonna kill myself. (continues reciting from the book "A hundred things you can expect your average adolescent male to say" )
Barman: William, mind your language!
William: Hey, I don't answer to William, man. William's dead, man. My name....is Grim Reaper!
Barman: Alright then, mind your language... Grim.
William: (scowling at his uncle) Okay, let's sound check. One.... One.... One, Two... One, Two.... Two.... T... T.... Two.
Lan: Why do bands do that?
Thom: They can't count any higher. (much laughter)

[There is a nosie that sounds like someone is drawing an accordion through a live-cows intestines. It is the noise that only teenage boys with musical instruments know how to make.]

Lan: Geez! They better not get any worse....
Mr D: (to band) SHUDDUP FOOLS!
Rand: Yep, you'd have to be stark raviing foaming mad to like this.
Howling Mad Aginor: YeYaYeYa woo woo I like it! Sounds great! numinny numinny numinny
William: (ignoring them) Okay, Ladies and gentleman! We are "THE ELASTIC BAND" and this is our new single, "THWANG!"
Thom: Talk about deja-vue....
Lan: I'm sure you've said that before somewhere....
William: [singing, in the loosest sense of the word] THWANG! It's a noise! THWANG! We are boys! THWANG! We've got long hair! THWANG! But we don't care!
Thom: Well, I think my job is safe.
Lan: Definitely. (covers ears with hands)
Wiiliam: THWANG! I've got spots! THWANG! In fact I've lots! THWANG! I don't eat meat! THWANG! I've smelly feet! T-H-W-A-N-G spells THWANG!
Lan: (grimacing) If he doesn't stoppit....
William: THWANG!
Lan: I swear I'm gonna... (rolls up sleeves)
William: THWANG!
Lan: (shouting above the noise) Right you little b@st#rds!

[Lan dives onto the stage, which as anyone who's ever been to a concert will know, is the complete opposite of what you're meant to do. The noise of snapping guitar strings, and crashing symbols nearly drown out the sound of teenagers being soundly thrashed....]

[Over by the bar, Perrin observed the melée. With a grin, he held up a sign. It read "Thwack!"]

Lan: come here you little...
William: AAARRGGHH!
Perrin: (holds up "Thud!")
Barman: William, stop hitting your face against that nice warders fist!
William: I'm.... AAARGGH! ....not.... OUCH! ....William....
Perrin: (holds up "Kerrunch!", "Boom!" and "Smack!")
William: ....my.... OOOF! ....name is..... OW!...... Grim.....(gurgle) .....Reaper!... (BLEEEEEP)
Barman: Language, Grim....
Perrin: (holds up "Thud!", "Kerrrack!" and then after some thought, "Plap!")
Darkhound: Cheers, Perrin.
Perrin: Don't mention it.

[top]

EPISODE 9

Dedicated to those ladies of dark aspect, without whom this nonsense would have ceased some time ago, but whose support, and encouragement ..... erm.... bullying, terrorising, and general menacing have allowed, or forced rather, me to continue.

So far: The party, boosted by The F-team, and Selene are partying in the "king's kidney" tavern, unaware that Nynaeve and Faile are hot on their trail, intent on halting their fun. Lan has succesfully dispersed the Elastic Band, a trio of teenage musicians, but now our boys face a greater danger.....

Shadar Haran stood before the pit of doom. "The chosen weaken and falter, Great Lord."
NO SHIT, SUPERFADE! NOT ONLY DO THEY FALTER, THEY JOIN AL'THOR FOR A PARTY!
"I shall take a handful of Mindtrap's Great Lord, and go bring them to heel...."
NO SHADYKINS.... NO NEED FOR THAT. THE AL'MEARA GIRL HAS UNWITTINGLY UNLEASHED A FAR GREATER HORROR THAN ANYTHING WE COULD COME UP WITH.
"Worse than our foulest shadowspawn, that we only release in really dire emergencies, Great Lord?"
YES, WORSE THAN THAT.
"Worse than an entire hour alone with David Hasselhoff, Great Lord?"
MMMM.... YES, I THINK WORSE THAN THAT, JUST.
"Worse than the music of Michael Bolton, Great Lord?" Shai'tan paused, considering.
CLOSE, THAT ONE. BUT YES, EVEN WORSE THAN THAT.
Shadar Haran have an involuntary step backwards. "No Great Lord..... Surely you don't mean.... Not her?"
YES, SHADYPOOS. HER. EVEN I COWER IN TERROR BEFORE.......HER.
"What shall we do, Great Lord?"
WE MUST KEEP THEM OCCUPIED UNTIL SHE CAN REACH THEM. WHICH OF THE FORSAKEN ARE STILL AVAILABLE?
Shadar Haran brought out a clip-board. "Well, Great Lord, let me see: Ishy, Aginor, Demandred, Rhavin and Lanfear have become the F-Team and have joined the Al'Thor's mob for much partying. Asmodean is pretending to be dead, Great Lord, as you instructed him, until Beidomon get's back with Mazrim Taim from the Isle of Madmen. Mesaana is still pretending to be Verin, and Semirhage is performing in musical world. There's alwaysMoghedien...."
GET REAL. WHAT ABOUT MY SECRET CHOSEN?
"Bela? She's already on another undercover mission, Great Lord."
WHOSE LEFT?
"Well, that leaves.... Balthamel, Great Lord."
REALLY? THAT'S THE BEST I HAVE? I GOTTA GET ME SOME NEW CHOSENS....
"Great Lord, wouldn't the Al'Meara girl have made a formidable chosen?"
TRUST ME, SHADY-WADY, WE DON'T WANT HER ON OUR SIDE. WE WANNA HAVE SOME FUN...... OH AND SHADSY?
"Great Lord?"
FOUND ME ANY SPEECH MARKS YET? I'M GETTING REALLY TIRED OF SPEAKING WITHOUT SPEECH MARKS.
"I'll get right on it Great Lord. Mind you, it could be worse, Great Lord. You could have to speak in italics....."

The Great Lord of the Dark shivered. Out in Thrakandar valley, some people fell over, as people have a way of doing when Great Lords shiver.

DON'T EVEN SUGGEST SUCH A THING, SHADLEPLOP. GO NOW, AND TELL BALTHAMEL TO HAUL HIS ASS DOWN TO THE KINGS KIDNEY TAVERN. TELL HIM, I'LL MAKE HIM NAE'BLIS

Shadar Haran laughed. It sounded like rotting leather. Which, if you think about it, is really quiet. I mean, I threw an old leather coat in a field once, and it took years to rot, I mean y-e-a-r-s, and I never heard a thing. Not a whisper. Still, if it had of made a noise, I guess that's what Shadar Haran's laugh would have sounded like.

"Great Lord, not THAT one again, surely?"
TRUST ME, SHADSA, THEY ALWAYS FALL FOR THE NAE'BLIS LINE.
The Great Lords laughter reverberated around Shayol Ghul.

The Wheel of time turns, and ages come and go and.... (THUNK)

Darkhound: OUCH!
Great Mistress of the Dark: Get on with it, you silly mutt.
Smoke: Yeah, or else....
Darkhound: Alright! Alright already. I'm typing, I'm typing..... (mumbles under breath) honestly, the things a guy has to do to get a bit of peace...
Great Mistress of the Dark: What was that?
Darkhound: Nothing, unholiness. Just working out a plot, that's all.
Smoke: A Plot? Why start now? (evil feminine laughter echoes through the mind........)

Rand: Bugger! I fold! (throws his cards on the table)
Mat: Thom?
Thom: Nah, too hot for me.
Mat: Lan?
Lan: Yeah, I'll see your 5 andoran crowns.... and raise you five.
Mat: Okay, I'll see them. (clink) Perrin, you in?
Perrin: Yeah, I'm in. (tosses 5 crowns onto the pile)
Lan: Alright, Mat, what you got?

[with a broad grin, Mat lays down four queens]

Lan: Smeg! (tosses his cards away in disgust)
Perrin: All I got is this pair of kings....
Mat: Gimme! Gimme! (begins scooping the crowns into his hat)
Perrin: ....and this other pair of kings, too. (grins)
Mat: (going pale, then red, then pale again) YOU... YOU.... YOU...
Thom: (slaps Perrin on the back) Nice one! About time he lost a hand!
Rand: (sits up) What did you say!
Thom: I said it was about time Mat lost a hand - at poker.
Rand: Oh...
Lan: I thought we'd had it when Mat layed four queens.
Thom: The last time Mat layed a queen for real, he thought HE'd had it!

[raucous laughter, except from Mat who glares at Thom. Suddenly the door to the bar flies open. In strides Balthamel]

Balthamel: Well! The Lord Dragon and his drunken sycophants all in place!
Rand: (frowning) What's a sycophant?
Mat: It's a psychotic elephant.
Rand: I'm not a psychotic elephant!
Mat: Well..... you're not an elephant, anyway...
Thom: How can you be Balthamel? You're a woman!
Balthamel: (face reddens) Look, I'll have you know this is one of the best damn bodies that could be found in the borderlands, actually.
Mat: (snicker) Well, it's not a bad body...
Balthamel: Never mind my body! Worry about your own! (points finger)
Lan: Oooh, we're really scared. Here's us, ten in number, the Lord Dragon amongst us, not to mention the F-Team, not to mention the one-power-proof Mat Cauthon, against a forsaken who lost a fight to a plant.
Balthamel: (foaming) Did not! Never did! He got lucky! It.... It was just a flesh wound.....
Lan: (chortle) Yeah, right...(snicker)

[Thom reaches behind him, and holds up a decorative pot-plant]

Thom: Hey Balthamel! Lookey here! (waves plant menacingly)
Balthamel: AAAAARRRGH! (scampers away)
Thom: (sitting back down) That was frightening, wasn't it? (laughs)

[suddenly Lan stands up, wide eyed]

Rand: Lan? Is something up?
Selene: (sultry voice) Oooh, I hope something IS up, Rand.... Lan: I... I.... Something bad approaches. Something.... terrible....
Rand: (stands) Trollocs?
Lan: No, worse... much worse....
Mat: (stands too) Fades?
Lan: Worser.
Perrin: (also standing) Not Faile? Please god, not Faile...
Lan: Worserer!
Thom: What could be worse?
Ishmael: The only thing I can think of is our secretest foulest shadow spawn.
Aginor: Wooohoo! Lalalalal Yes! The Secret ShadowSpawn! The SpiderGranny! chutney-warble-codpiece
Perrin: Wha... What's a SpiderGranny?
Thom: Read Darkhound's note below Perrin. We don't have time...

[*authors note: Not all the shadowspawn created by Aginor have been released on WOTland. This is because some of them were just not particularly... fearsome. Amongst this list, is cousin to the black wind, "The Wet Wind" which as anyone whose ever suffered it can attest, is the worst wind there is. There can also be found the not-so- terrifying VelocerTortoise, which has nasty little teeth, but chases you at 0.001km/hr. Then there is the Sarcastica - a race of creatures who try and destroy your self-esteem with comments about your hair and clothes. Then, there is Horrificus - a creature totally immune to the one power, the true-power, weapons of anykind, ice or fire. It is however, not immune to whistling. A single whistled tune, however quiet, from the smallest child, sends it running back to the blight. However, one creature there is that is so horrible, that the DO has heldit back all this time. The SpiderGranny is a genetic mix of arachnid and elderly grandmother. The resultant monstrosity had eleven legs (8 of a spider, 2 of a granny, one walking stick) and catches you in unescapable webs of knitting or embroidery. When caught, it tortures it's prey with tales of how great things used to be in the old days, occasionly spitting on a hanky and using it to wipe imaginary dirt from the victims face. Sometime's it will force the victim to except discusting sticky sweeties, whispering "don't tell your mother..." The only way to know if a SpiderGranny approaches, is a feint smell of carbolic soap, cold toast and urine. Obviously, the SpiderGranny is being kept by the DO only for emergencies...]

Lan: No.... I don't smell soap, toast or wee-wee. Besides.... this is.....lord help us.... worsererer.
MR D: WHAT CAN BE WORSERERER, FOOL?
Lan: I don't know...Ishy?
Ishy: I... There is something.... what was it... something from another place....
Rand: Come on, think harder!
Selene: (breathless voice) Ooh Randy, yes, think "Harder"....
Ishy: It's on the tip of my tongue....
Selene: Ooooh, Ishy, I just luuuurve the tip of your tongue....
Ishy: I got it! Its.... It's.... ANGELA LANSBURY!
Lan: YES! IT'S HER! QUICK, OUT THE BACK PASSAGE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Barman: Erm... my back passage is blocked.
Lan: So! Take a pill!
Barman: No, I meant you can't leave by the back passage. It's full of crates and barrels and other tavernly things.
Lan: Alright.... Quick, gang, hide yourselves!

[Rand and Mat put lampshades on their heads and stand very still. The F-Team dive under the pool table. Lan and Thom dive behind the bar. Perrin puts his head on a table, and puts a beer on his head....]

Lan: (peeking out from behind the bar) Perrin, what are you hiding as?
Perrin: A beer mat.
Mat: (from under lamp-shade) I thought you more of a doormat, Perrin! (snicker)
Lan: Sssshhh! Here she comes!

[door opens....]

AL: I'm Jessica Fletcher. From "Murder She Wrote". Nynaeve Sedai hired me. I'm looking for some men....
Selene: (from under the pool table) Ooooh, aren't we all dear.
Barman: (pointing a shaking finger) You.... your the one who..... every time you arrive, people die! And you always get away with it! No-one ever realises that it's you, framing people! Just so you can write a bloody book! Every family party in america, your there! And someone dies! Just how many "relatives" have you got anyway? (THUNK)

[The barman slumps, a knife hilt sticking out of his forehead....]

Jessica Fletcher: Ooops! A murder! Who could of done it? I'll find out, you mark my words. There's a book in this, I reckon.
Rand: (tries not to sneeze) Errrr... Arrrr.... Ooooh... Hnnn.... Hnnnn. HHHHNN ATCHOOOO!

[*authors note: It is written in the book of clichés, that when any group of people are trying to hide, someone MUST sneeze in a ridiculous manner, giving themselves away. It is also written in the same book that when you are running away, you must fall over stupidly at the worst possible moment....]

Mat: Bugger! (shouts) WE'RE RUMBLED PEOPLE! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Selene: And maybe a couple for me!

[The tavern empties quicker than the credit balance on a womans credit card... Except for Rand, who fulfills the requirements by falling over. But, as you would expect, he (just manages to get up and escape...]

Jessica Fletcher: Damn it. I forgot to have the police hiding outside, ready to come in when I signalled them. Still, they'll not get far.... There's a SpiderGranny about..... (evil chuckle)

[top]

EPISODE 10

Look this ain't easy! I need to get shot of the F-Team, except for Selene, she's too cool to leave. So, when the stag party flee from the kings kidney tavern too escape Jessica Fletcher, Ishy & MR D & Aginor & Rhavin bolt in the other direction, Okay? Now, on top of all this, I have to fit a mountain climber in it for Smoke, more Pythonesque stuff for Kiriath and Egwene2, and a whole lot more filth. Yes, I've lost it completely. I warned you though, didn't I? I said "Let there be five episodes, and yay, there were five episodes, and then the Great Mistress of the Dark and Smoke Ashalen and Egwene2 did say unto me "No, Mutt, let there be lots more episodes until POD otherwise we will let there be a severely squashed puppy, get the picture?" and so I have to dredge the dark depths of my madness for inspiration. So, I'm sure you understand why this things getting.... a bit surreal. What's that? You like surreal? Well, why didn't you say.........

After their escape, the party camps out in a hollow in the woods. The alcohol, and the adrenalin catches up with Rand, who falls asleep. And as he sleeps, he dreams ...

Music Starts. Camera zooms in to focus on Rikki Lake.

Rikki: Hi! Welcome to todays show which is called "My mans a taint maddened channeler, and a love cheat besides!" Please welcome to the stage a young lady from Baerlon, called Min.

[applause]

Rikki: Now Min, tell us your story.
Min: Well Ricky, for years and years I'd been totally self sufficient, uninterested in romance and love and all that girlie stuff, and then this guy turns up one day, and I just totally fell in love with him.
Rikki: What was it about him?
Min: I dunno... he was so.... interesting! I mean, he had these strange grey eyes and red hair, unusual for the area. Plus, he carried a heron-marked sword.
Rikki: For those of you watching at home, a heron-marked sword is the sword of a blademaster.
Min: Yes, and he was so young I thought "No way can he be a blademaster." Anyway, he seemed really scared, like he was on the run or something, and then.... then I had my first visions of him.
Rikki: Visions?
Min: Yeah, it's a talent of mine. I sort of see peoples aura's, and I... see other things in the aura's that relate to things that will happen. I don't know how or why, only that it will.
Rikki: And you saw visions in this young man's Aura?
Min: Oh yes. Like, there's a great darkness, and millions of fireflies try to swarm into it to fill it, but the darkness swallows them all.
Rikki: That's it? [looks at the audience with that "what a load of crap" look]
Min: No! There were others, actually! But they're... private. Hey, weren't you the fat woman in "Hairspray"?
Rikki: Yes. (scowls) Shut up. Tell us about these private visions, Min.
Min: Well.... There was one with Rand and me and Bela and we were naked, and I'd covered him in custard, and Bela was wearing a large pair of....
Rikki: ...YES! Thank you Min, that'll do, I think.
Min: .... well, you asked for it. You're not as good as Oprah, you know.
Rikki: (In a low voice) Watchit, you. (switches to normal voice) Now, ladies and gentlemen, meet the man himself, Rand Al'Thor.

[applause and whistles as Rand enters the stage. He takes a stool next to Min, frowning at all the other stools set out]

Rikki: Hi Rand.
Rand: Hi Rikki!
Rikki: Now, Min here was telling us about you. You come form the two rivers, right?
Rand: That's correct, Rikki.
Rikki: And you were a shepherd, yes?
Rand: Yes, Rikki.
Rikki: Did you keep mountain sheep?
Rand: Yeah, but I had to give it up, because it was making me bow-legged!

[crowd screams with laughter]

Rikki: Very funny, Rand. But, you're something considerably more now, aren't you?
Rand: (raises chin) I am the Dragon reborn!

[crowd gasps! a few boo and hiss. One person cheers.]

Rikki: So, presumably, you can channel, right Rand? You are a male channeler?
Rand: Yes. I channel Saidin.
Rikki: Can you channel for us now Rand?
Rand: Very well.

[Rand looks out into the audience, and set's fire to a couple of the audience who booed earlier]

Rand: How's that?
Rikki: (gullp) F... Fine, Rand. Just fine. Now, would you say your as fond of Min as she is of you?
Rand: (looks at Min) Well.... I.... Erm... Yeah, I guess so. Yes.
Rikki: You love her, Rand?
Rand: I... I... well.... Yes, I suppose I do.
Rikki: You suppose? You must know whether or not you do, Rand.
Rand: Alright then, yes! I love her! There, you happy?
Min: (eyes filling with tears) Oh you woolheaded sheephearder, now look what you made me do. (wipes tears)
Rikki: Well, that's very nice Rand. Very Nice. However, Min's not the only girl you love is she, Rand?
Rand: What?
Rikki: (to audience) Ladies and gentleman, please welcome to the stage, Elayne Trakand, Daughter heir of Andor, and Aes Sedai of the Green Ajah!

[audience whistle and hoot and hotter, except for two who just smoulder... Elayne struts on stage, her eyes meeting Mins. Sparks fly. She sits on the other side of Rand, who looks rather uncomfortable...]

Rikki: Your highness, welcome to the show.
Elayne: Just Elayne, please Rikki.
Rikki: Okay, just Elayne it is. Now, just Elayne, you know this man?
Elayne: Oh yeah. First time was when he fell into the royal gardens at Andor. He's been trouble ever since.
Rikki: Fell?
Elayne: He was climbing a tree.

[the audience laughs]

Rikki: And would you say, that you know Rand very well.
Elayne: Well, I certainly got to know him well enough, in the stone of Tear!

[the audience gasps]

Elayne: Yeah, I got to know him very well indeed. Intimately, I'd say. Right Rand?
Rand: Well, that is... erm... well...
Min: Rand? What's that Andoran sop talking about?
Elayne: You cow! You're Andoran! I'll be your Queen soon, you peasant!
Min: Peasant! You might wear your fancy clothes, but I recognise a slapper, when I see one!
Elayne: Slapper! Why you little.... (she channels and Min is thrown across the stage and pinned flat against the wall with flows of air) I'm gonna peel of your skin...(gasps as she is cut off from Saidar) Rand! How dare you shield me! Let me go! (Min slides to the floor)
Rand: No, Elayne. I won't let you hurt Min. (turns to Min, who is stalking across the floor towards Elayne) And I won't let you hurt Elayne, either.
Rikki: Rand? You feel for both these ladies, don't you.
Rand: Yes, I love both of 'em.

[audience gasps.]

Rikki: Lets take a commercial break right there....

cue music, camera pans out, fade out....

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fade in, cue music, camera pans in....

Rikki: Okay, now it's time to meet lady number three!

[audience gasp "No!"]

Rikki: Yes! Come in, Aviendha!

[much applause and whistling]

Rikki: Aviendha, thanks for coming on the show. Now, you follow a weird system of honour don't you?
Avi: Yes, Ji 'e' toh.
Rikki: Okay, does this "cheese-on-toast" allow you to tell us of your experience with Rand?
Avi: No, It's Ji 'e' toh.
Rikki: (waves hand) Whatever. Can you dish the dirt or not?
Avi: Ji 'e' toh does not allow me to tell...

[audience groans]

Avi: ....but the $500 appearance money does! In a nutshell, we went somewhere really cold and snowy, and he gave me one in the igloo.
Rikki: I've never heard it called that before!
Rand: No! That is.... we did..... but.... Dammit, it's wasn't like that!
Rikki: Oh? Well, in case Aviendha's word wasn't enough for you, we got a witness! This gentleman was climbing a glacier in Seanchan, and saw it all. Come in, Mr Strange!
Mr Strange: Hello, Rikki.
Rikki: You saw the dirty deed?
Mr Strange: Yes, I did. I saw it all! Y'see, I was climbing the southern face of Mount Upwards, which has two out sloping stretches of more than 100 feet, not to mention a complete lack of resting ledges until you reach the apex, and...
Rikki: Just get on with it. Why are you here, anyway?
Mr Strange: Darkhound has to get a mountain climber in this episode, to satisfy the dark sister known as Smoke Ashalen.
Rikki: Oh, I see. Why do you people climb mountains anyway?
Mr Strange: Because... they're there!
Rikki: Silly person. Get off my show. (Mr Strange leaves, by climbing the back wall of the stage. Because it was there.)
Min: You want to explain this, Rand?
Elayne: Yes, I'd love to here your explanation to Rand Al'thor!
Rand: Look... look.... I... I can't.... I don't....
Avi: He loves me as well. He said so. Is this a wetlander custom? To tell a woman you love her, when you find out she is with child?
Elayne: WHAT?
Min: WHAT?
Rikki: (rubs hands and murmurs to her producer) You getting this, Ivan? This is award winning viewing figures, y'know.

[Just then the mountain climber falls to the floor, and a few second later, his tattered, bloody skin drifts down and covers him like a shroud. A moment later and Lanfear glides down from the ceiling, on a staircase made from air.]

Lanfear: So, you've been at it again have you Lews Therin?
Rand: What? Me?
Lanfear: After last time, I thought you'd learn, but you did it again, Lews Therin!
Rand: I am not him! Stop calling me that!
Lanfear: You are, too! I am going to give you pain, Lews Therin! (she tries to channel, but finds she's blocked)
Rand: See? I can shield as many of you as I have too.
Lanfear: (shrugs) Oh well... (she kicks Rand between the legs, and he drops like a stone, making that special noise that men make when this unfortunate event occurs)
Rand: NNNNNNNNNNN
Rikki: Look, if you'll all take a seat...
Rand: NNNNNNNNNNN
Lanfear: Pain, Lews Therin....
Rand: NNNNNNNNNNN
Rikki: Erm... I think it's time for a commercial break.....

#ADVERTISMENT#
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[top]

EPISODE 11

So far: Our party has escaped from many dangers: Nynaeve and Faile, the F-Team, Balthamel, the mad Aielman, musical WOT world, teen bands, and of course, Jessica Fletcher. Currently, they all sit around a campfire, talking except for Rand who sleeps. A new day is dawning, and it's time to stop running, and start drinking..

Thom: And of course, I learnt that method of whittling from the Hellarwee tribe.
Perrin: The who?
Thom: No, the Hellarwee tribe.
Rand: CRRRGGGGNNNN
Perrin: Yeah, I meant "who are they?" These.... Hellarwee's.
Thom: Well, in the high grass that grows out on the plains, there lives a tribe of midget people. Every now and then, if you're lucky, you get to see one leap up out of the grass for a moment. That's where they get their name.
Perrin: (frowning) I don't understand...
Rand: (gurgle) NNNGGGGG (snort) ( whistle )
Thom: Well, the midgets, they leap up out of the grass and shout "Where the hell are we?"

[Lan and Mat turn away from the fire, trying to hide a grin. Rand starts mutter in his sleep]

Rand: NNNNGGGGMMMFFF no Ilyena i didn't mean it (mumble) NNNGGGFF
Mat: Will someone please poke Rand.
Selene: I'll do it Matrim. I just luuurve to give people a good poking.
Mat: (snicker)
Lan: I knew a young man up at Fal Dara who suffered from terrible snoring. They tried every remedy they knew to stop his snoring. Herb-women from far and wide plied him with foul concoctions, all to no avail. They even tried a witch doctor!
Perrin: Witch Doctor?
Lan: I don't know, I didn't ask his name!

[All laugh, except Perrin, for whom the realisation that he is the fall guy for all the jokes in this episode, has suddenly occured]

Rand: NNNNNNNGGGGMMMFFF no Elayne, not the big rubber one, no MMMPPPFFNNNGGGG
Lan: Anyway, one day an Aes Sedai was passing through, and they begged her to see if she could do something for him.
Mat: (who loves a good story) What happened?
Lan: Well, she wove threads of water, and moistened his throat.
Selene: I like a nice, moist throat...
Perrin: And it worked?
Lan: No. So, she wove threads of air, and cleared out his sinuses with them.
Mat: And that worked?
Lan: No. She tried several more flows, in different combinations and none of them worked.
Perrrin and Mat: SO WHAT HAPPENED?
Lan: (shrugs) Dunno. I think he's probably still snoring.
Perrin: That's it? You don't KNOW?
Mat: Bloody ashes! What kind of story is that?
Lan: (shrugs) You want a story, go ask Thom.
Rand: NNNGGGGMMMFFF yes Lanfear yes do it with the electric wires yes MMMPPPPGGGGFFFNN (snort)
Mat: (leans close to Rand's ear and whispers) Rand.... Rand.. (shouts) RAND, YOU SON OF A RABID GOAT, WAKE UP!
Rand: NNGGG.... WHA....what... who... Mat? What's a matter?
Mat: You were snoring.
Rand: Was I? I'm so glad you woke me! I was having a terrible dream. I was at the mercy of all these women, and they were angry with me, and they could all channel, except one, but she was good with a knife, and.....
Thom: You sure it was your dream? Sounds like one of Darkhound's.

[They all laugh, and Darkhound ponders the wisdom of writing a story where the characters mock the author]

Meanwhile, at a farm in Caemlyn......

Taim: Right, you despicable rabble, line up, and shut up.
[an assortment of men, all shapes and sizes, form a ragged line in front of Taim]
Taim: Well, I have never seen such a pathetic display in my life. (approaches one man) Where you from boy?
Boy: Murandy, sir.
Taim: Murandy? Only two things come from Murandy, boy, steers and queers. I don't see no horns, so you must be queer?
Boy: No sir!
Taim: What?
Boy: No sir?
Taim: I can't hear you....
Boy: NO SIR!
Taim: Don't you eyeball me boy......

Meanwhile, in a stedding somewhere....

Male Ogier: Damn it, woman, stop your incessant nagging would you?
Ogieress: Nagging? It's the only sure way to get you off you're hairy butt, that's for sure.
Ogier: Look, all in good time. It will be done, in time. We mustn't be to hasty. (drinks from a large can of bear) Hmmmmf. Hmmmph.
Ogieress: Hasty? HASTY? Two hundred years I've been asking! Two hundered long years of asking and pleading for you to TRIM THAT BLOODY TREE! Look at the size of it! Light! An Ogier could live in it!
Ogier: Look, it's dangerous, out there. I might get the longing!
Ogieress: Oh here we go. Every time I ask you to do the smallest thing, it's (silly voice) "I might get the longing, I might get the longing" Well, Longing-Schmonging!
Ogier: (ears drooping) Oh no, here we go again... (starts rolling a cigarette)
Ogieress: I'm the one with the longing round here! I'm longing for you to trim that bloody tree! Positively yearning for it! I couldn't long for it anymore! An Ogier whose lost his soul to Machin Shin, is more active than you!
Ogier: But we mustn't be...
Ogieress: Don't you dare say "hasty" again! You don't know the meaning of the word! Ice-ages are more hastier than you! Why, I lose count of the times........

Meanwhile, not far from Rand's crew, a man stands staring in their direction....

Flunky: Master Fain! Master Fain! Are we getting nearer?
Fain: Oh yes, much nearer. (MuHaHa). Yes, nearer indeed. (he he he he)
Flunky: Will we catch 'em up tomorrow, Master Fain?
Fain: Hmmm? Oh yes, tomorrow, yes. Al'thor is mine. all mine! (he he he) He always was....
Flunky: Only, you've been following him for seven books now, master Fain, and well.....
Fain: What? C'mon out with it...
Flunky: Well, you never seem to manage to corner him in a trap.
Fain: (menacing look) Is that so? (MuHaHa) I'll show you. I'll show you all!!! Al'thor is mine!
Flunky: (holds up hands in supplication) Whatever you say boss!
Fain: (he he he)
Flunky: Master Fain? When we catch him.... what'll you do to 'im, boss? Something terrible?
Fain: Terrible (he he he) Oh yes! I'll corner him with this.... [Fain reaches inside his jacket, and his flunky leans back with fear. Instead of the ruby hilted dagger Fain pulls out...]
Flunky: An autograph book?
Fain: Yes! (mwa ha ha) He won't escape me this time! I'll have his autograph, or die trying! (he he)
Flunky: But.... but.... an autograph book?
Fain: What did you think I was? Some long dead ghoul that's been touched by the Dark One? Oh what imaginations you have! (he he he) I just want his bloody signature, that's all! For the complete set! See here....

[He shows the book to his flunky. It is titled "Dragons of the age, false and true."]

Fain: .... that's Raolin Darksbane's autograph, that is. Now he WAS a gentleman, always had time for his fans, not like this young pup Al'thor. See here (flicks some pages) this is Guaire Amalasan's! And here..... Logain's! See, I even have Mazrim Taim's somewhere....

Meanwhile, our heroes have found a tavern in a nearby village, and our enjoying some breakfast - liquid breakfast.

Mat: (slams bottle down on table, and wipes lips on back of his sleeve) Aaah! That was what I needed! A nice chilled bottle of "Laughing Larry's Liquid Lunacy".

[the bottle wobbles, topples, spins round several times, and points at Selene. Mat grins...]

Mat: Truth or dare!
Selene: What?
Mat: It's called Spin the Bottle. Whoever it points at gets to choose Truth or Dare. Either you swear to answer a question truthfully, or you do a dare. Fail, though, and it's a forfeit....
Selene: I choose truth.
Lan: Selene, you don't have to play...
Selene: (holding up a hand) It's okay. I will tell the truth. What is your question? [ Mat confers with the other men] Mat: I... we.... I would like to know, what a man would have to do, to get you to go to bed with him

[Selene pauses, then moves close, and whispers in Mat's ear. Mat goes a whiter shade of pale...]

Mat: And if I were to do that, you would find me irresistable, and just have to have me, would you?
Selene: Oooh, definitely, Matrim. I'd channel the clothes off you, so I could get to you quicker.

[the men look at her questioningly]

Selene: Well, I mean, if I COULD channel, that is. Ha Ha. Yes, if I could, I would, but I can't so I won't. No siree, no chance of poor Selene channeling, none at all. Nada. Zip. Zero.
Thom: Okay, I think we get the idea, my lady.
Selene: no chance at all. Nope. None. Null. Nill. Noooooo waaaaaaay......
Lan: Yes, we understand Selene......
Selene: Ne Channelez pas.....
Rand: Selene, we.....
Selene: Nicht Channellen fur Frauline Selene.....
Perrin: Really Selene, we totally....
Selene: Hoots mon, they'll be nay chann'lin for me, I kin tell ye.
Mat: Please Selene, I really do believe...
Selene: 100110010101001111100010101010010001111010101010101001111
Everyone: ALRIGHT ENOUGH! WE UNDERSTAND! STOP IT!
Selene: Well, as long as evryone's sure they understand....
Everyone: YES!
Selene: Well...... okay then. So Mat, you up for it?
Mat: Erm.... (licks lips furtively)
Selene: Oooh I lurrrve a man who can lick lips furtively...
Darkhound: Er... Selene? That was a desriptive addition, denoted by the two asterisks. You aren't meant to be able to read it.
Selene: Oh.... sorry.
Mat: Okay! I'll do it!

Meanwhile, at a whitecloak camp nearby, the whitecloak captain stops by the washing line, and begins to curse....

Captain: Oh (clinton) (thatcher)
Lieutenant: CAPTAIN?
Captain: Lieutenant, who was on washing duty this day?
Lieutenant: CHILD MCULKIN, CAPTAIN!
Captain: Well, go fetch him for me Lieutenant.
Lieutenant: RIGHT AWAY CAPTAIN!
Captain: And stop shouting! You're not the bloody dark one, you know.
Lieutenant: Sorry sir.

[Lieutenant goes off, returning shortly with child Mculkin]

Captain: Ah, child Mculkin. You were on washing duties today, were you not?
Child Mculkin: Yes Sir.
Lieutenant: It's "Captain", Child Mculkin.
Child Mculkin: Yes, Captain, Sir.
Captain: (sigh) Thank you, Lieutenant. You are Dismissed. (The Lieutenant leaves) Now Child Mculkin, did you make sure that the wash load contained only white cloaks?
Child Mculkin: Yes, Captain, Sir.
Captain: So, you made doubly sure that only cloaks of purest white made up the wash load? No stray socks, for example? (points to sock on washing line)
Child Mculkin: Yes, Captain, Sir?
Captain: You made absolutely sure? That no socks, for example, oh I don't know, say.... this bright red sock here, didn't polute the wash?
Child Mculkin: Erm... fairly sure, yes, Captain, Sir.
Captain: Fairly sure? Fairly sure that you checked for bright red socks in a whitecloak wash?
Child Mculkin: Well.... fairly.... sort of.... well.... erm... nope. No Captain Sir, I didn't ,Captain, Sir. Sorry.
Captain: Sorry? Oh well that makes it okay of course. If you're sorry, then I can forgive you.... this (points at cloaks on wash line)

[Child Mculkin grins]

Captain: However, I don't think the questioners will take very kindly to the name change.
Child Mculkin: Name change, Captain, sir?
Captain: Why yes, Child. Tell me - why are we known as the "whitecloaks", Child Mculkin?
Child Mculkin: because..... because.... coz our cloaks are white, Captain, Sir!
Captain: Yes, Child, well done! But not anymore, hmmmm? Now, they are a different colour. An altogether less pure, and less.... macho.... colour. So how will we be known from now on, Child Mculkin? Hmmmm?
Child Mculkin: Erm.... Pinkcloaks, Captain, Sir?
Captain: Yes, Child, Pinkcloaks. What a name to inspire fear in the black hearts of Darkfriends. Still, I'm sure the questioners will understand....

[Just as Child Mculkin feints, the lieutenant returns.]

Lieutenant: CAPTAIN?
Captain: (sigh) You're shouting, lieutenant.
Lieutenant: Sorry, Captain..... Captain?
Captain: Yes?
Lieutenant: Our scouts report.... report....
Captain: Out with it, lieutenant.
Lieutenant: Well, Captain, they reported Mat Cauthon in the camp, Sir.
Captain: What? Mat Cauthon here? Where exactly? When?
Lieutenant: Well, Captain, last we saw of him he was going that way (points to the horizon) and he was running very quickly.
Captain: How odd.
Lieutenant: And.... he was naked, Captain
Captain: Naked?
Lieutenant: Yes, Captain, and... and he had a sign around his neck, that read "I AM A DARKFRIEND, HONEST." And, he was shouting, "COME AND HAVE A GO, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE HARD ENOUGH"
Captain: Hmmm....
Lieutenant: You think he is a Darkfriend, Captain?
Captain: Nah.... he's probably doing it to get laid.

Meanwhile....

Mat: And I ran right through, and before they had a chance to saddle up, I was through! (pant) (gasp) So, Selene.... (wheeze) I'm brave aren't I?
Selene: Oooh, definintely. The bravest.
Mat: So... well.... y'know. I suppose, ( wheeze ( I suppose you're struggling to keep... keep your hands off me?
Selene: Well, not exactly struggling.....
Mat: What? You promised! You said you liked brave men, and that if I did this, I'd prove myself brave!
Selene: Yes, but there's just one thing, Matrim.
Mat: What?
Selene: I was lying!
Mat: WHAT! WHY YOU..... HOW DARE.... HOW COULD.... mummy?
Selene: Of course, that means I have to do a forfeit.
Mat: YES! FORFEIT! YOU SHOULD GET 'EM OFF!
Selene: Already have done, Mat.
Mat: When?
Selene: When you were running about in the whitecloak camp!

For the first time, Mat realises the ecstatic grins on the faces of Rand, Perrin, Thom and Lan. He also notices their faces are quite flushed, and some of them are displaying signs of "lipstick" kisses.

Mat: YOU .... YOU... YOU.... YOU.... YOU... B.... B.... (thud)
Rand: It appears that Mat has fainted. Well done Selene, that was a quite excellent practical joke.
Perrin: Only next time, you should kiss us with the lipstick on. Thom's lips are chapped.

[Thom gives a big, glossy, red grin]

[top]

EPISODE 12

No intro's. No Story-so-fars. Just these words from the author:

My friends, this will be the last Stag Party. Those of you who were around when I started this, will remember I originally intended to end after five episodes. Then, a tidal wave of encouragement, positivity, support, and lets face it, threats, led to me continuing the series, hoping that it wouldn't out stay it's welcome like a long lingering guest.

Well, twelve epsidoes, including this one, I have created. Twelve episodes, some maybe quite good, some not so good. I've been proud to churn them out, whilst there has been a positive reception, despite the difficulties of an English guy creating humour for a largely American audience. And some of the emails or bbs posts I have received from people in response have been heart-warming to say the least. But, be that as it may, this will still be the last, because I think the time has definitely come to end it. Basically, the tank is dry. The wheel is flat. This parrot is deceased. I think what I'm trying to say is, I have no more ideas for the series, and I don't want to force myself into scratching together any half-baked piece of garbage and calling it Stag Party, just for the purpose of continuation. How many TV seires would be better if they left it at just the first two series? How many feature films were great until some one decided to make a sequel too many? Like, "Nightmare on Elm Street 37 - Freddies definitely dead this time, honest." I don't want Stag Party to be like that.

So, that is why it ends here. It's not the end of my attempts at creative humour, far from it, just this particular adventure.

So, If you've had half as much fun reading it, as I have had in writing it, then that means I've had twice as much fun as you have.

Thanks for the memories,
~Darkhound.

Okay let's get on with it.....

Deep in the chaos-wracked, warped and twisted desolation that men called the blight, a noise stirred. Less than human, more than animal, it's bone-scraping tones sent even the nightmarish denizens of the blight running for cover. If an observer had had the courage to stand and wait for the source of the noise to show itself, it would have detected that the noise was made up of words..... human words..... being sung....

Mat: Show me the way to go home......
Rand & Perrin: I'm tired 'n' I wanna gooo t'bed. (hic)
Thom: I had a lickle drink 'bout 'n' hour ago...
Selene & Lan: An itsh gone right to my head!
Mat: Show me the way to go home......
Rand: I'm tired and...
Mat: Hang on, hang on.... Just remind we what we're doing here anyway?
Rand: We're gonna fight the Dark One!
Perrin: Yeah!
Selene: Are you sure this is a good plan, Rand? Fighting the Great Lord of.... I mean the Dark One, whilst drunk?
Rand: Sure it is. Element of surpise. He won't expect it.
Selene: But.... drunk?
Rand: Would you fight him sober?
Selene: point taken.
Thom: Has anyone noticed the Blight has gone quiet?

[Just then, the blight seems to recede, leaving a clearing where it seems the essence of spring waits.... A being strides into view, made of leaves and acorns, and all things horticultural]

Lan: Get behind me! (draws sword)
Someshta: Hey man! Peace, brother!
Lan: Someshta? Is that you?
Someshta: None other!
Rand: But.. you're dead! Aren't you?
Someshta: Nah, it was just a flesh wound. I've had worse....
Perrin: What are you doing here?
Someshta: When the eye of the world was used, I spent some time cultivating my special plants, but then the Creator spoke to me in my heart, and gave me a new charge....

[The Nym points to a long narrow rock sticking out of the ground. Two holes are visible at the wide end, and two green mossy trails fall from the holes into the soil....]

Someshta: (reverential bow) The Nose of the World!
Mat: The.... Nose of the world? It's just a rock!
Someshta: No it isn't!
Mat: Someshta, this "cultivating" you speak of, did it involve extracting the resin, burning it, and inhaling the smoke?
Someshta: No! ....Well..... maybe.
Mat: And these special plants, were they perchance deep green and spikey of leaf? And grew only in very special conditions?
Someshta: ... erm...(cheeks blush) Look, it's boring up here! A Nym needs something to pass the time!
Mat: Well that's just great. The last Nym in the world is a dope head.
Rand: Come on, we're wasting our time.

[The party begin to leave] Someshta: Come back! Come back! Hey, you wouldn't have any food would you?

Meanwhile.....

Ragan: Holy one, it has arrived!
Masema: What has?
Ragan: Word from.... from him, holy one!
Masema: (falls to his knees) The Lord Dragon! He speaks to me in a voice of thunder across the countless leagues!
Ragan: Well.... he sent a note, holy one.
Masema: Yes... but, imagine the power it needs to compell a piece of paper to travel all the way here!
Ragan: It was attached to a pigeon, holy one.
Masema: Yes... well.... attached using the one power, no doubt!
Ragan: erm.... using string, holy one.
Masema: String? I'll bet it was a very special piece of string, though!
Ragan: Absolutely, holy one. The moment I looked at it, I thought, this ain't no ordinary string, no siree! Covered in pigeon crap, for a start, holy one.
Masema: Yes! (foams) The pigeon - it must be honoured! I shall make it king of Gheladan!
Ragan: Very well, holy one. I'll have the sheep dethroned at once.
Masema: What sheep?
Ragan: The one you installed as monarch last month when you learnt that the Lord Dragon used to be a shepherd, holy one.
Masema: Ah... that sheep. Well, never mind then. Now Ragan, read the words of the Lord Dragon unto me!
Ragan: Okay, holy one... (unravels paper) Now then..... "Here me, prophet called Masema! Desist in your stupidity immediately, or I'll come down there and give you a right good kicking! I do not expect to hear that a sheep is king of Gheladan, nor do I expect to hear that anyone not wearing a hat, is beheaded. And don't even think of making my pigeon king instead or any stupid bloody thing like that! Just sit tight, and keep Gheladan from exploding until I win Tarmon Gaidon, okay? Yours, Rand Al'thor, Dragon Reborn."

[long pause]

Masema: It doesn't say anything about me promoting the pigeon to lord general of the army, does it Ragan?
Ragan: No, holy one. You want me to make the announcement?
Masema: If you would, Ragan. If you would.

Meanwhile:

Egwene: I tell you, I'm worried Sheriam.
Sheriam: Mother?
Egwene: I think Halima has too many male hormones.
Sheriam: She's just.... different, Mother.
Egwene: Sheriam. I caught her shaving yesterday.
Sheriam: We all need to shave once in a while, Mother.
Egwene: Not a bloody mustache, we don't. And then there's this strange manly behaviour of hers.
Sheriam: How do you mean, Mother?
Egwene: Yesterday, I suggested we went shopping at that quaint little dress shop in that town, and she wasn't interested.
Sheriam: Really?
Egwene: Yes, and have you noticed she rarely sniffs? Or tugs her hair, or raises an eyebrow? It's un-natural. She'll be watching football next.
Sheriam: Perhaps it is the strain of this march to the tower, Mother.
Egwene: That's not the worst of it Sheriam. Theodrin caught her ogling breasts, the other day.
Sheriam: Mother, perhaps she's.... well, you know.... one of those women who..... you know... with other women. Not men.
Egwene: Red Ajah?
Sheriam: Erm... not precisely, Mother.
Egwene: They were her own breasts, Sheriam! She was ogling herself in the mirror. I tell you, it's weird! Like, she has the soul of a man. The other day, she broke wind really loud! And she was proud of it! She giggled and said "Oh dear me, I appear to have released a bubble of evil!" I mean, really! You keep an eyes on her for me Sheriam.
Sheriam: Of course, Mother.

Meanwhile, on the slopes of Shayol Ghul:

Perrin: We're here! I can't believe we made it!
Mat: (shouting) YO! DARK ONE! PREPARE TO DIE! WE.....

[Mat is wrestled to the ground by Lan.]

Lan: Are you off your head?
Mat: I'm as sane as the next man!
Perrin: (discreet cough) Ahem.

[Mat looks, and finds he is standing next to Rand]

Mat: Well, I mean as sane as the next-man-but-one.
Lan: Look, our hope relies on stealth and secrecy, not bluster and bravado.
Mat: I can't help myself! I'm filling my pants, if truth be told. Damn, I wish I had some courage.....
Rand: OUCH!
Lan: Ssshhh! Now what?
Rand: (whispering) I tripped on that rock. See? I cut my knee! I'm bleeding!
Perrin: Light! You know what this means?

[everyone looks at Perrin]

Perrin: "His blood on the rocks of Shayol Ghul shall save us". Don't you see? We're saved! Rand bled on the rock!
Thom: (pats Perrin on the shoulder) Erm, lad, I think it might mean a little more blood than a grazed knee.
Perrin: Oh.... sorry. Damn, sometimes I'm such a klutz. I wish I had a brain.....
Lan: Now, we must be real quiet, while I seek out the entrance to the pit of doom.
Selene: Oh, it's over there. (points to a tunnel, marked "Pit of Doom, 150ft. (All children must be accompanied by an adult")
Lan: How did you know that was there?
Selene: I... well... I ..... read it. In a book. Yes, that's right. I read it.
Thom: What book?
Selene: Erm..... it.... was...... "Inside Shayol Ghul - the Architecture and History of the Dark One's Demesne" It specifically points out the entrance to the pit of doom. It's a good read. Really.
Lan: Hmmm. Well. Alright then. Lets go then. Selene, is your passage wide enough for more than one man?
Mat: (chortle)
Selene: Ooooh, warder, I just luuurve.....
Lan: Forget it! What I meant was..... will we need to get down on all fours and form a long column?
Mat: (snort) (snicker) (wheeze) Mwa HAAHAHA!
Selene: oooooooh, Lanny-wanny, you naughty boy. I just luuuurve a long...
Lan: Look, I just meant...... how big...... how long..... damn it.... is....
Rand: Look, stop this nonsense and show us this pit of yours!

[Silence....]
Selene: Well there's no need to be filthy.
Thom: Yeah, steady on, Rand.
Rand: Sorry guys. Sometimes, I'm an uncaring swine. I wish I had a heart......

[They enter the tunnel, and at length arrive at the pit of doom. The mad sky races over head, the fiery lake bubbles down below...]

Rand: Oh wow! Nice sky effect...
DO: FOOLISH MORTALS! YOU DARE TO DISTURB SHAI'TAN?

[The voice is like a thunderclap, but as if felt in the bone, rather than heard by the ear]

Mat: Nope! Not me! He does though! (points at Rand) He made us do it!
DO: SILENCE! I CAN NOT BELIEVE THAT MINE ANCIENT ENEMY WOULD BE SO FOOLISH AS TO COME TO ME! YOU HAVE SEALED YOUR DOOM!
Rand: Come on. Give it your best shot!
DO: MY HAND MOVES.....
Rand: Where? I didn't see it....
DO: NO, I MEANT, LOOK OVER THERE..... AND DESPAIR! SHADAR HARAN!

[The superfade appears]

Rand: Boy, you're a tall one.
Shadar: (in a voice like rotting leather) Yes I am. Tall enough to crush you!

[Authors note: I didn't want to use "rotting leather" again, honest I didn't. I considered alternatives, like "a voice like an over-ripe melon" and "a voice like David Hasselhoff" and even "a voice that was really unpleasant, and no mistake" but "rotting leather" won through in the end.]

Rand: Oh really? (grabs Shadar's cloak, and rips it away, to reveal two quite short fades, one standing on the others shoulders)
Shadar (top half): Ahhh. So, you know abut that trick, do you? Oh.... right then... well.... RUN FOR IT!

[The top and bottom sections of Shadar flee quickly. Meanwhile, Selene yawns, and slowly wanders over to a dark curtain hanging over a nearby rock....]

DO: IT WILL AVAIL YOU NOT! THIS IS MY DOMAIN. HERE, REALITY IS HOW I WISH IT TO BE! YOU WILL ALL BE HELD ON THE CUSP OF DEATH IN ENDLESS AGONY FOR ETERNITY!
Selene: Oh boys?

[they turn, and she pulls back the curtian, revealing an alcove. In the alcove, an old man sits, working various levers and buttons to make the lava bubble, and the sky whizz past. When he speaks, he speaks into a microphone. They see his lips move, and they hear the Dark One....]

DO: I WILL SUCK THE MARROW FROM YOUR BONES! I WILL TEAR THE FLESH FROM YOUR MISBEGOTTEN BODIES! I WILL....
Mat: I don't believe it! The Dark One's just a weak old man! He's not very powerful after all!
Selene: Perhaps now would be a good time to mention my new shoes? My red shoes? Ruby red, infact? (rolls her eyes) Doesn't anyone see where this is going? I'll be clicking my stilettoes together three times, any time now.
Rand: Shai'tan! Stop this stupidity! Come out of there!

[Shai'tan realises he is observed.]

DO: I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU'D BELIEVE THAT BENEATH THIS FRAIL AND ELDERLY EXTERIOR, LURKS THE SOUL OF AN EVIL GOD?
Rand: No, and I'll thank you for not talking into that microphone. Now come out of there.
DO: Well.... alright then. I suppose the game is up, eh?
Selene: ......There's no place like home you know....
Rand: Why? Why scare the whole world witless all this time?
DO: You don't know who I am, do you?
Rand: Should we?
DO: You should Rand. You're meant to be me, after all.
Rand: Wait..... Lews Therin?
DO: The very same! See, there was never a Dark One, you know. Rand: But how.... why..... what.....

Lews: Well, it's like this: (opens a bottle of beer)

When Mierin bored that hole in the pattern she'd been going on about for ages, she found..... nothing. Bugger all! Can you believe it? So, she came to me, said how her reputation was at stake and all that. Well, she can be very persuasive, you know. Anyway, I was getting nowhere with that doe-eyes sop Ilyena, so Mierin and I came here, and we channelled this bloody great rock out of the ground, and with the help of a few good mates, like Elan, Barid and Tel, we sort of made up this Shai'Tan business. It was a hell of a laugh, if truth be told. That was the thing about the Age of Legends - it was so peaceful, it was boring! I mean soooooo dull! Shai'tan soon livened things up a bit, though. Before long, it had gotten a bit out of hand, though. I was knackered, one minute being the big Dark One, the next being Lews Therin, so I led a "strike" on myself, and "sealed" up the DO, then I went back to being plain old Lews Therin. I thought that would be the end of it, but I found I missed it. So, I pretended I was going mad, and made myself another mountain, Dragon Mount. But, it lacked that certain something, so I returned to Shayol Ghul, and everyone thought I was dead. Mierin, me, Tel, Barid and all the rest had a massive party, must have lasted, oh, several millenium, I guess. Elan kept nipping out to get some food in every forty years or so, and stir up a bit of trouble. Well, you know Ishy! Anyway, then you showed up Rand, and we had an opportunity for one last bit of fun! I didn't realise you was going to start killing poeple though.

Rand: Sorry. I'm a bit heartless sometimes.
Lews: Heart your problem is it? No worries, I can sort you out one of them. Got a few left over from the age of legends.
Mat: You can do that?
Lews: (shrugs) We could do pretty much anything, in the age of legends!
Mat: Like... give a man courage?
Lews: Sure! No problems!
Perrin: What about brains?
Lews: (shrugs) It's a small thing, really!
Perrin: Yeah? Excellent! Well, this is a tale that could make me a considerably rich gleeman! Tell me, where is Mierin, then?
Lews: You really haven't guessed? MwaHAHAHA! You're all in need of a brain, in my opinion!
Selene: Erm.... boys? I wanted to tell you, I really did.
Rand: Selene? YOU? NO!
Selene: All right, don't over do it. It's only obvious because the readers have already read the series.
Lews: I can't believe you got here all the way through the blight! Without any casualties!
Lan: Well, I had a bit of trouble with the worms.....
Mat: .....but Thom had a cream that cleared it up for him!
Rand: And then, just when we were hoplessly lost, a toad like creature, all yellow and jaundiced and sickly and fevered, appeared, and we followed it, thinking only Shayol Ghul could spawn such a creature, and we were right! It led us here...
Lews: Ah! So, you "followed the yellow sick toad!"
Everyone: (singing) Follow the Yellow Sick Toad! Follow the Yellow Sick Toad! Follow, follow, follow, follow the Yellow Sick Toad!

[Authors note: I would like to apologise for contriving to include that joke, but it had to be done, you understand. It IS the last one, after all]

Rand: But.... if your Lews Therin, then, who am I?
"YOU ARE A TWO-BIT WOOLHEADED MALE SIMPLETON FROM THE TWO RIVERS!"

[The voice startles the company with it's vitriol. They turn to the source of the voice....]

Selene: (gasp) OH NO! It's the Wicked Witch of the West!
Lan: Oh no, it's Nynaeve.
Nynaeve: That's Wicked Witch of the Two Rivers, actually! (sniff) So, I finally caught up with you! Thought you could escape me, eh? (tug)
Lan: I can explain, dear one, honest, I....
Nynaeve: Silence! (tug) Five episodes, you said. Five epsiodes of Stag Party, and then your wandering days were over, and you'd come and lay in misery at my feet forever! (sniff) And yet, here we are, in episode TWELVE, and you're still having ..... fun.... (she spits the word "fun")
Lan: Look... I.... I.... it's.....
Nynaeve: Hush, spouse-to-be! I am speaking! (tug) And as for you lot of unworthy, good-for-nothing, low down dirty.....

[The party cower on their knees under the force of Nynaeve's anti-fun....]

Lews: Wait a minute.... here Nynaeve, catch!

[He throws his bottle of beer at Nynaeve, who can not catch it, as touching a beer bottle is anathema to her, and it spills down her front...]

Nynave: AAAAAAH! (sniff) AAAAAAAHHHH!
Rand: What's going on? What's that hissing noise? Why is Nynaeve steaming?
Nynaeve: I'M MELTING! I'M MELTING...... MELTIING....(tug) MEEEEEEELTING....(sniff) AAAAaaaaaaa...(pop)
Mat: She's gone! Well done Lews!
Rand: Yes, well done! All these years we thought you were the one source of evil, and all along it was in the Two Rivers with us! How blind we were!
Lan: Not as blind as I! I was going to marry her! What was I thinking?
Selene: Go easy on yourself, Warder. You were under her spell. No man, save Lews, could stand up to that.
Perrin: Now wait a minute...yes! .... So, presumably, Faile is like, her acolyte right? And she's using her black arts upon me, to make me so helpless and downtrodden, right?

[There is silence]

Perrin: Don't you think?

[Still silence]

Perrin: Guys?

[silence]

Perrin: Right?

[silence]

Perrin: Don't you agree?

[silence]

Absolutely, irrevocably, and utterly, THE END.

~Darkhound



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