Posted by Barid Bel on May 05-12, 1998 on WoT Alliance BBS Category: WoT Humor

Rand's Wedding

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5]

Part 1:

First time I do it, don't know whatever it's funny or not.

Background: Aviendha, Min and Elayne had finally managed to convince Rand to marry them. Due to the happy event or sad one, dependent on who you are, Rand declares a peace for one week between the shadow and the light and invites all the characters we met to the wedding.

Elayne: (wearing a very big smile) So good to see you here, Egwene. I thought your duties wouldn't allow it, I certainly didn't expect the hall to allow you to come.
Egwene: (Wearing Mat's smile {stolen, Mat don't smile anymore}) They don't know, I wouldn't miss it for all the money in the world.
Nynaeve: (stepping throught a gateway with Lan on her heels, Lan wisely disappears in the crowds since Nynaeve tugged her braid off) Nor would I Elayne, What did I hear about you marrying. With Aviendha! And Min! (Shouting and shaking a cut braid)
Elayen: (sighing heavily) It's a long story, Nynaeve. And I don't actually marry them, I marry Rand WITH them.
Nynaeve: Ohhh... but how do you managed to convince Rand into doing that, he should know better.
Elayne: (Wisphering) It's a secret but...
Nynaeve: (glaring at Elayne) How could you?
Egwene: (shocked) It really wasn't that wise of you? Are you sure? All three of you?
Min: (walking toward them with waried expression) Elayne did you see Rand, I and Aviendha need him for a moment.
Nynaeve and Egwene: (suspicous stares)
Elayne: He is a little tied up at the moment, couldn't it wait for an hour or so.
Nynaeve: You TIED him. That is enough, you can't force a man to marry you, Elayne. It isn't decent.
Egwene: (giggling) And what you exactly did, Nynaeve?
Nynaeve: (Blushing like five or six suns) That has nothing to do with this.
Elayne: (flashing angrily) Or course not! What do you think I'm? He's there (pointing to the doors) accepting the guests.
Min: Thank you, goodbye.
Elayne: Wait I will come with you, there is certain... company (glaring at Nynaeve) I don't want to be with.
(And off they gone to see Rand, leaving Nynaeve and Egwene arguing what is the best way to force man to marry without him knowing it.)

[Author note: They finally agreed that hitting men in the head and drugging them to the priest is the best way, but as far as I know they still argue about what to use, Egwene keep saying that a flow of air is the best while Nynaeve claiming that the best way is to hit men with a big stick.]

Meantime... on the doors Rand has unwelcome visitors, Semirhage and Demandred.

Rand: What a surprise, I haven't seen you in... what, three thousand years or so? How the time passed quickly when you're having fun. You wouldn't believe how this age is fascinating. (hiding an evil grin behind his hand)
Semirhage: (pale face, SG isn't a lovely place, and those who live in it for a year forget what is the meaning of fun. In fact, in a dictionary that cought on the strike at SG there is defination for the word Fun - "Something that can kill you in a second, live in the blight and eat shadowspawn. See also "Aginor's birth controls") How lovely of you. Where it's?
Rand: (pointing up at a giant cake) Here.
Demandred: Noooo! ( a six tons cake crushing on him, the sound is like "cruuunch")
Semirhage: (LOL) That is fun.
Rand: (smiling in satisfaction) It's only the start. (Pointing at the cake. The cover of it open and Elaida get out) That is yours.
Elaida: (Even Rand was smart enough to keep her fully dress, his future wives want SOME male guest in the wedding) Lah Lah Lah
Semirhage: Thank you. (She and Elaida gone through a gateway, before it's closing the screams start)
Elayne: (Finally reached for Rand) What are you smiling about?
Rand: (To Elayne) In a moment. (Shouting) Servants!. (Three servant appear in black livery, all had ageless face and red shawls.) Clean the floor with this (giving them toothbrushs) or do you think you can disobey me. (treatening tone) You can all share Alvirian's fate, still, and happily... (wait to make impression) married.
Red#1: (pale and shivering) Start working, you fools.
Red#2: Yehh, we don't want to be maried.
Red#3: I will be in the pit of doom first. (All three starting to clean the floor with toothbrushs)
Rand: That are good pets. (To Elayne) What did you want from me, dear?

To be Continue...

~Barid Bel


Part 2:

Background: Somehow Aviendha, Min and Elayne managed to convince Rand to marry them. On the day and the night of the wedding there is temporary peace between the light and the shadow since every one want to join the party. Demandred got smashed by a gint cake and Semirhage decided that having Elaida is more important than having a party.

On the party...

Egwene and Nynaeve are still arguing about the best tool to hit men with. Rand had gone to Aviendha while Min and Elayne are accepting the guests. Mat enters the hall with a strange pretty woman leaning on him...

Elayne: (staring questioning at the woman) Mat, how did you come here? Where have you been? We thought you have died.
Min: (glaring at Mat) And who is your... (dramatic pause and a stronger glare) companion?
Mat: (under his breath) I wish I was really dead, death is better than marriage.
Strange woman: What did you say, dear?
Mat: (pale) Nothing, darling. (to Elayne) This is the Daughter of the Nine Moons, and... and... (tears in his eyes) my ... (deap breath) wife.
Elayne and Min: (chins on the floor, tongues rolling out of their mouths)
DotNM: Good, very good. Now I had a red carpet. (dragging Mat to the hall)
Min: Mat? Married? I pittied the poor girl.
Elayne: Her? I pittied Mat!
Min: (under her breath) So the madness isn't limited to males only.


Mat: They both looked... fatter, did you noticed that, dear?
DotNM: (under her breath but loudly enough so anyone in the room can hear) Did you learn to be such an idiot, Matrim? Or did this came to naturely? (in normal voice) It is only temporary, Mat. Very temporary.
Mat: (Thinking for a few moments) Ohhh. I get it, Rand does love plump women.
DotNM: (shaking her head to the skies and sign) Why me, light of heaven, why me?

Meantimes... Morgase enters the hall...

Elayne: Mother. (hugging her tightly) So good to see you.
Morgase: What did I heard of you, Elayne? Marrying to the...
Elayne: (Cutting her off) And what about you?
Morgase: (staring in shock at her daughter, then start screaming as her hair start burning)

{Author's note: Morgase hair burned due to a little problem in Randland. No electric lamps, when someone had idea his hair get burn, this is the real reason why most of the sholars are balds and why there was no research in middle age. This also stand a reason why women didn't read in the middle age, the didn't want to be bald}

Elayne: (opening a gateway to the sea and pushing her mother into the water then drying her off)
Morgase: (not the slightest upset) Talanvor!
Talanvor: (Hurrying to her side) Yes, Morgase?
Morgase: (in commanding voice, her eyes searching in the crowd* Come on , I just had a GREAT idea.
Talanvor: (to Elayne, whispering) What did you do? The last time she had an idea I almost get killed!!!
Morgase: (found what she wanted, dragged him away) Thom, Gareth, here you are. Listen, I had a great idea.

[Author note: Gareth is the commander of the AS armies, and a very unhappy man. He had just had a fight with a superior force, Siuan! Battle score: Siuan unable to sit.]

Morgase: Listen, that... man mean to marry my daughter and two other... women. I will not be outdone by him. Now that you're here we can have a private... party of our own.
Gareth: (paler and looking around nervously) Of course, Morgse. Just let me say goodbye to someone. (he and Thom getting away as quickly as they can)

{Author note: They were later seen begging Elayne to opon a gateway to the other side of the world. And would have probably done a great research on Seanchan if Elayen wouldn't have opened the gateway to a sea folk ship. Where Suian found them later, the score of the battle: Every men in sight were... gentled(geld).}


Lan: Mat, what under the light you're drinking?
Mat: (shaking and whispering) Water.
Lan: (shouting so all would know) Nynaeve, hurry on, Mat is sick. He is drinking WAAATEEER.
Mat: (sobbing) You don't understand. My wife, she had... she had... force me to... to... to... join a ... healthclub.
Lan: What!!??
Nynaeve: (running, with Egwene still arguing with her behind her) What happened?
Lan: Mat joined a health club.
Nynaeve: What?! (Taking a big stick from behind her and hitting Mat's head)
Egwene: What have you done?
Mat: (falling on the floor, whimpering) Faaaaaaaalling thrrrrrrreeeeeeeee.
Nynaeve: (satisfaction) You see! Against him only a stick would work. (walking away arrogantly until she meets a very angry DotNM)
DotNM: You have hit my husband? (shouting) ONLY I CAN DO THIS. (grabbing Nynaeve's neck)
Egwene: Something is missing in here... I know. (channeling to make the floor into mud)
Mat: (rising from the floor) Now that is what I call entertainment!

To be continue...

-Barid Bel


Part 3:

[Background: Till now, Rand had gone to help Aviendha, Egwene settled her argument with Nynaeve in a lovely way. Nynaeve is now tangled with Mat's wife in mud. Morgase is still searching her long lost lovers in order not to let Rand outshine her, Siuan still screaming and killing every men in her sight. Semirhage watching her and enjoying the moment, the Red servants managed to clean Demandred off the floor only an hour ago.]

And as the party continue...

Lan: (watching his wife with dead eyes) You shouldn't do this, if they would stop and see you. (fear shining in dead eyes is a very strange thing indeed, but we won't see it today. Lan fears only from LanFear)
Mat: (having a big jar of very strong and cool ale, now that his wife is busy in something else: tearing Nynaeve's cloths off) Who cares? Now I have FUN.
Nynaeve and tDotNM: (sagging to the mud pool with no strenght left)
Mat: (grinning) Do you think we should help them out of the mud. We can flip a coin for it. Head we'll help them out, a... (looking at the coin) something we let them stay here.
Lan: (surprised) I thought this would the first time she would train you NOT to do.
Mat: (laughing) Oh I doubt if she would even dream about it. She don't like me playing with others than her, though.
Lan: Why?
Mat: The Seanchan are primitives, they know only one card game. Strip poker!


Aviendha: Here you are! (sniff) What took you so long?
Rand: Perrin gave me his present for the wedding. (hiding "How to make your wife stop sniffing at you in three easy steps" behind his back)
Aviendha: Never mind, I had this... creature... demanding to entering, but he had no invitation. (pointing at a big snake in gold and red) He says that he is a ... member of the family?
Rand: (talking to the dragon in dragon's tongue)
{Author note: This talk had been censored since no one would let me write it on a family site. I can only say that it contained a lot of details about Aviendha's habits, parents, and what she used to do every night with the nearest goat she could find.}
Rand: It's alright, he can enter.
Aviendha: He IS a relative??!!!
Rand: Sort of, you can say I'm his father, though- (before he had time to finish Aviendha hit him with a flow of air)
Aviendha: (shouting) To marry a madman is one thing, but to know that his former lover was a SNAKE.(leaving Rand where he is and going to take a long bath)
Rand: (waking with his head hurt crowling after her, Aviendha forgot to release saidar)
Dragon: (smiling) They are going to have a marriage life that cames from a movie. (shruging it off and entering the hall)


Mat: They stopped fighting. I told you I wouldn't loose, they both fainted.
Lan: And here we have a little problem, which one of them is which?
Mat: That is simple, just look at me. (shouting) Men! (both women trying to empty their stomach, Mat scratching his head in confusion) Gambling!!! (To this shout one woman tries to empty her stomach again while the other starts moaning)
Lan: That settles that. (each man take his wife when something appears through a gateway)
Something: I'm from the IRS. You're under arrest.
Mat and Lan: We were going to take a rest any way, but since you are insisting... (the IRS suddenly have a dagger in his eye and a sword cut through the belly)
Mat: That IS my good thing for the day.
Lan: Me too. You know that by the Tower Law we must seek and destroy any who came form the IRS.
Mat: I didn't know that, a wise rule, though. I have an idea how much taxes the Tower would must pay otherwise.
Lan: It isn't so. From where do you think the DO get his grey men? Where can you find anything more evil and more grey than an IRS man.
Mat: Good Point. (each man leaving to his rooms)

Meantime... It the bathroom...

Aviendha: Rand, take off my dress.
Aviendha: Rand, take off my stockings.
Aviendha: Rand, take off my shift.
Aviendha: Rand, You must never wear my cloths again.
Rand: (having a really hard brain damage) Heeh.
Elayne: (rushing in) Aviendha, where in the light have you been? I've been searching all over for you. (seeing Rand, and starts sulking) Why he's naked, Aviendha? Today should be MY turn! I only agreed to share him with you and Min tonight because this is our wedding. You have NO right at all to- (suddenly silent) He doesn't responding. (wary voice) What happened?

{Author note: Elayne is worried since the priest had just arrived and the ceremony is about to begin. But this is only the half reason at best. Dragons left the throwing fire business since it didn't left them something to eat, on the course of evolution they started throwing spices. Since it was both good for the taste of what they ate and for business. The spice that the Sea Folks sell came from Dragons and the spice girls are actually a Sacrifice of the sea folks to the dragons since they were sea folks women that got sea sick from walking on a wet grass.}

Aviendha: (telling the whole story and BTW finding out that Rand only helped in the theory in creating Dragons)
Elayne: (very big sigh) It could have been worse.
Aviendha: Only if he would have helped to create dragons in the flesh and not with the mind.

To be continue... Next part - the ceremony.

-Barid Bel


Part 4: The Ceremony

[Background: On Rand's wedding, Mat and Lan retired with their wives, probably since both of them needed a bath, and not mud one.
Aviendha hitted Rand on the head since she thought he had cheated her with a snake. 'Coz of that, Rand decide that he's Aviendha and wore her cloths, the priest arrived and we found out from where the spice girls came from.]

Elayne: (sending wary glances all around them) Egwene, I need you help, Aviendha hitted Rand and now he thinks that he is she.
Egwene: She hitted him?! Why?
Aviendha: I thought he slept with a snake.
Egwene: Are you all right, Aviendha? Rand isn't mad. (catching her cheeks) He isn't, right.
Aviendha: No he isn't, noting more than the usual.
Egwene: The usual?
Aviendha: Claiming that he is the DR, that he can channel, that he is hearing voice. That sort of thing.
Egwene: Ohh! (sighing with relieve) That is all.
Elayne: (glaring) Egwene, can you call Nynaeve? Rand need healing.
Egwene: I can't.
Elayne: (tight voice) Why?
Egwene: She is busy.
Aviendha: In what exactly?
Egwene: Playing a Trolloc.
Aviendha and Elayne: WHAT???!!!
Egwene: I passed near her and Lan's room and I heard Lan shouting, "You're NOT a Trolloc, stop biting me."
Elayne: What about Mat's wife? I heard she is good with healing.
Egwene: Nope. She is busy too. (shivering) she is gambling with Mat.
Aviendha: So bring her here, healing Rand is more important than gambling.
Egwene: (blushing) Can't do that. They gambling on ... cloths!
Aviendha and Elayne: OHHHH (not just an "OHHH" but knowing "OHHH" it's very important to know how to say a knowing "OHH"; for just 59.99$ I can teach you)
Rand: AAARRGG! (not a knowing "ARRRGGG!" Just a regular "AARRRGGG")
Elayne, Aviendha and Egwene: Stop saying AARRGG all the time!
Rand: My head! AAARRRGGG!
Egwene: What did you use to hit him?
Aviendha: Saidar.
Egwene: (wary) OHH!
{Author note: Here go to hell Egwene's idea about capturing a husband. Here is also the reason why Gawyn is now three inches shorter.}


Min: Let me see the oaths we are about to take.
Priest: Here you go. (with very flat feet)
Min: Can you give me a pen.
Priest: Here you go.
Min: Thank you. (starting to change the text, and then giving the book to the priest)
Priest: Here I go.
Min: Don't you dare move an inch from this spot.
Priest: (under his breath) Bloody woman! (taking a pen and rechanging the oaths again)


Egwene: (walking to the doors of the hall) You will just have to marry him like that.
Elayne: But he won't say "I do" he will say, "I'm refusing to be abused husband ."
Aviendha: Then he will be an abused single.
Min: (running to them) What happened to Rand? The ceremony is about to begin. (suddenly smiling) I changed the text of the oaths. Rand, you won't care to swear a little more, wont you?
Aviendha: I hitted him, I thought he slept with a snake.
Min: (under her breath) The madness is CERTAINLY not limited to males only. (loudly) If he can stand he's good enough for the ceremony.
Elayne: (dragging Rand to the stage) For the ceremony maybe, but I care more for what happen AFTER the ceremony.


Faile: And what are you going to give them.
Nynaeve: A book. "The Art of Comfort - Written by Lanfear and translated by Brigitte, Limited version for adults only. Pictures include."
Faile: OHH (knowing one)


Perrin: And what are you going to give them.
Lan: A book. "The training of a wife for the male channeler. Now in two parts, channeling wife Part I. and Non-channeling wife, Part II. Written by LTT and translated by Mat."
Perrin: OHH (knowing one)
Lan: And it is not all. Look at the chapter list.

Part I: "The channeling wife"
1) The making and the using of A'dam.
2) Simple commands: Seat, Heal, Play dead.
3) Advance commands: Do not sniff, be quiet, and Kiss.
Part two: "The non-channeling wife"
1) The making and the using of a very big stick.
2) Simple commands: Seat, Heal, Play dead.
3) Advance commands: Do not sniff, be quiet, and Kiss.
Perrin: Useful book.


Priest: Do you, Rand al'Thor, take this woman (Elayne stamp on his feet) Ehh, take those women. Elayne Tarkand, Min Farshaw and Aviendha to be your unlegal (Aviendha stamp on his feet) Ehh, legal wives. In.... (deep breath) Sickness and rottenness, madness and sanity, when you will brush their cloths and you also must promise to bent knee every time you see them, and generally act like a slave?
Min: You see. The best oath I can think of.
Rand: I have no wish to be ... (Elayne, Min and Aviendha stamping on his feet) AI OH.
Priest: What did you say?
Min: He said, "I do", continue with the ceremony.
Priest: Do you, Min Farshaw, Elayne Tarkand and Aviendha, take this lovely man to be your legal husband. (deep breath, all the female in the crowd smiling, all the male shaking their head and wondering how they can escape this place) in health and sickness, madness and sanity, love and hate. Putting yourselves under his will and obeying each of his wishes?
Min, Elayne and Aviendha: What???!!!
Elayne and Aviendha: That is one of your... changes?
Rand: (stamping on everyone's feet)
everyone: I did you nothing. (going away)
Rand: (stamping on Elayne's, Min's and Aviendha's feet)
Min, Elayne and Aviendha: Ai Oh.
Priest: (grinning, and returning the pen to his pocket) You may kiss the brides. (going off the stage limping)
{Author note: Now you know why he has flat feet, only now he had flatter.}

(The hall emptied slowly, everyone going to their rooms. Rand, Elayne, Min and Aviendha retiring to their rooms.)

To be continue... Next part, the honeymoon.

-Barid Bel


Part 5: Honeymoon

[Background: The ceremony was over, all had retired to their rooms, some to sleep and some not.]

On the school Rand has opened in Cairhien an inventor looking smugly at his last invent…

Inventor: Now all I had to do is to turn this on. ( pressing a big red button, the machine make a very loud boom and smoke cover the entire room, and peoples start appearing from the air )
Inventor: What have I done? My time machine, broken. (starting to cry )

[Author note: Since the wheel turns to every age, time machines are highly dangerous, as you will see as the story continues…]

Meantime… In the royal rooms in Cairhien.

[Author note: The last five hours spent in this rooms are censured, only three days old dead can read this. I only permit to say that Rand seemed to like saying, “Sometimes it does more manly to decline women offers than accepting it.” He seemed to like saying this when he got tired. P.S. he said this a lot.]

Rand: What was that?
Elayne: Ignore this, Rand.
Min: Yeah, you can’t run away from us. Not tonight, and not for that.
Aviendha: (sleeping exhausted) Snore.
Rand: I go to see what it was! (rising from the bed and start dressing)
Elayne: You are certainly not! (burning the cloths out of him)
Min: Come to us…
Rand: (hesitated) Well, I suppose it can’t be that important.

After a while…

Rand: (entering the school with Birgitte, Elayne, Min and Aviendha) What had happened here?
Inventor: (trying to hide behind a table from three or four people, whining) I made a time machine and they just appeared from the air.
Ilyena: Lews Therin! What happened to you?
Mierin: Lews Therin? Is that you?
Birgitte: (staring at a very ugly man) Oh. (dreamy tone) Who are you?
Rand: Ilyena! Mierin! How do you get here? You are both dead!
Aviendha: Lanfear! She is Lanfear! (pointing at Mierin)
Mieren: (questionably) Who is Lanfear? I’m Mierin, his (pointing at Rand) lover.
Ilyena: What! Lews Therin, you had better have some good explanation to this!
Aviendha: (drawing her dagger) You certainly had to!
Min: (toying with daggers and wearing a look that doesn’t leave any doubt to where she wants to put it9
Elayne: (to Birgitte) Stop staring at him, it’s not polite!
Birgitte: But he’s so…
Elayne: (sarcastic) Ugly?
Birgitte: (excited) Yeah!
Elayne: (just hearing what were said) Rand, what is this?
Inventor: (running away of the room) From now on it will be just steams engines, I don’t even think of time!
Ugly man: (to Birgitte) Who are you pretty lady? And what in hell is going on around here?
Birgitte: Who are you?
Ugly man: My name is Beldin, from the Balgriad. Now answer my questions.
Birgitte: I’m Birgitte, and there are, (pointing at Rand) Rand al’Thor, the Dragon Reborn, (pointing at Elayne, Aviendha and Min) his wives, (pointing at Ilyena) there is another wife, (pointing at Mierin) and finally, his lover.
Beldin: A very busy man, how he managed to keep this hidden so far?
Birgitte: I can explain this to you… in private.
Beldin: (taking her arm) Why not? (both going out of the room)
Rand: Wait a moment! I can explain it all!
All the women: Oh. How?
Rand: You I dumped. (pointing at Mierin) You I killed. (pointing at Ilyena) And you I married today. (pointing at Elayne, Min and Aviendha)
Elayne: And what did you mean to do with us?
Min: Kill us?
Aviendha: Dump us?
Ilyena: I have an idea.
Rand: What?
Ilyena: If you can marry those three you can marry us too.
Elayne, Rand, Min, Aviendha and Mierin: Five? No way!
Rand: (fleeing screaming in terror) Nooooooooooooooo!
Ilyena: Was it something I said? (innocent tone) Never mind that, I could always bring him to my way of thinking with time.
Elayne, Min, Aviendha and Mierin: Me too!
Ilyena: Let us start planning the wedding.
Elayne, Min, Aviendha and Mierin: Well… Oh, let it be.

Meantime… In Shayol Ghul…

Rand: (going to the Pit of Doom with bloody sword in his hand) Shait’an, are you here?
Rand: I know this, I came here for you to kill me!
Rand: Problems? I had enough troubles to make six dozen men… unhappy.
Rand: That is really helping me! Can you just kill me, if I will kill myself I will just pop up on Tel’aran’rhiod.
Rand: (miserable tone) Are there things worse than what I had to face?
Rand: I don’t believe it, what are they?
Rand: It’s my problem, only much larger. What is the first?
Rand: (faint dead on the spot)

[Author note: here are the reasons for that collapse. 1) Microsoft Exchange is a patriot program, it refuses to accept that there is something outside USA. 2) It doesn’t believe in phone lines and always trying to send faxes or E-Mails through the Printer port, or the mouse one. If you think that I wrote this because I had such experience you’re absolutely right!]

After about an hour...

Rand: (awaking) Thank you, Shait’an. Maybe next time, when I will prison you, I will leave you a TV connection, so you can rewatch Seinfled. You are right, there are thing worse than my fate.
Rand: (opening a gateway a stepping through to accept whatever his women decided)
[Author note: this isn’t quite right, he stepped through to accept what the women who owned him decided.]

Five weeks later...

Priest: Do you, Rand al’Thor, take these women to be….

[Author: And so they lived happily till yesterday when another time machine was invented.]

This is the end, there will be no continues.

~Barid Bel

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