Posted on May 03-04, 1998 on WoT Alliance BBS
Category: WoT Humor

The Dark One's Thoughts

(Authors note: HE is the Father of Lies..)

I am The Dark One.... I spend my day in this very cramped little room. So I spend a lot of time watching these pathetic mortals. Here are my thoughts for them...

Matrim Cauthon: A good young man. If only he was a Dark Friend. It seems all of the GOOD warriors and generals are always on the light side. (makes sure none of the Chosen are reading) He has a grand style with women.. He gets more women then Lanfear gets men. If only I could turn him to the dark.. Maybe he will dice with me? I never lose. (frowns) You laugh? Moridin! BALEFIRE HIM!

Rand al'Thor: Hmm... A shepherd. He leads these mortals like sheep. If only one of my (looks around again) Forsaken were competent enough to take him and turn him. But no, I am surrounded by fools. This one could go far.. If he was turned to the Shadow, for the light.. The only place he shall go, besides to the beds of Elayne, Min, and that Aiel girl, is to death. He also shall fall to the temptation of the Dreaded Girl Scout Cookies.. he has already had the Girl Scouts himself. The Cookies shall lead him unto me.. And the Taint shall become stronger!! (mad cackling)

Perrin: Barely worth to mention. A weak fool, even amongst the Mortals. Even my .. Chosen.. are more competent then he is. He has no intelligence, is dragged about by his wife, whom IS a Dark Friend, I am sad to admit. IF only she was a walker in the Light.. then I could have her killed.

Mazrim Taim: Demandred is a loyal subject.... Errr I mean Mazrim Taim is a strong Channeler. The Black Tower will follow its name, as each Asha'man swears to the Dark, Instead of to the Dragon. A good Subject. Somewhat competent.

Elayne Trakand: Sworn to the Dark as but a child... She was destined to become Aes Sedai. They are all my followers. This a strange world, in which Lews Therin Reborn beds two of my followers, but he has yet to sleep with my most dedicated? Perhaps he realizes she is a Dark Friend to the core?

Nynaeve: Ahh... I am so entirely glad she is not of the Dark. I would have myself sealed away if she was. I would have her destroyed, but she makes the Creator cringe and curse himself for allowing such a zealous woman to exist. Therefore, I shall not have her destroyed, but will make sure she does not die. The Creator shall regret his mistake.

Olver: Olver is truly Ishamael reborn. You see it, yes? From his almighty renderings of the.... Horse Luck.. err Winds, to his use of getting Matrim Cauthon in trouble. A truly dedicated Friend of the Dark.

Moridin: The young Friend of the Dark is powerful. I have allowed him to taste the Girl Scout Cookies. He has used the Power that I get from them many times, and I allow him to. He is addicted, as am I, to their tasty goodness. I trust this Friend of the Dark more then most of my forsaken Chosen. The Chosen are all incompetent except Demandred, and Moridin makes Demandred look like a farm boy.

And finally, Shaidar Haran: A too tall Myddraal... At first look. Truly, He is actually my Physical Form... NO HE is not Ishamael. Thats Olver. I AM SHAIDAR HARAN. YES. THAT IS ME. The Hand of the Dark, is in fact, The Dark. I use the Myddraal to... Pick up women, and to get more Girl Scout Cookies....


(A bolt of balefire strikes the laugher. Somewhere, Moridin was seeing spots before his eyes...) I'm glad you think so highly of me, Great Lord... When I'm not Ari's, I'm yours, now and forever... (kneels) Now let me have some more of those Girl Scout, Great Lord...

Moridin, High Servant of the Great Lord, Lover of the Great Mistress of the Dark, Moghedien's mia'cova, Master of the Game of Houses, Transferrer of TP Bonds, Wearer of Red Masks, Taster of Girl Scout Cookies, 'Cour'souva Boy,' The Only Competant of the Chosen, Nae'blis-elect, Winner of the Looney Theory Contest, Aes Sedai Nor, and owner of many other titles he's too tired to put down here right now...

(rotflmao) Man, I knew those cookies were more than they seemed -- especially those mint ones (eyes the cookie in her hand suspiciously). What else could explain the need to devour the entire box in one sitting, with or wthout milk to wash them down?

Of course, I was the champion cookie-seller in my state three years running... does any one still need more proof that I am Shai'ariel, twin sister to the Great Lord? And Mori -- I'll feed you cookies any time at all, but you simply must stop leaving the crumbs in the sheets...

Ariella, the Great Mistress of the Dark and former champion cookie pusher...

(smile) That explains why I keep smelling mint around my chambers! (chuckle) Great Mistress, you will have to let me have some...especially since you are such a champion cookie pusher.


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